Chapter One:

This Ace Book contains the complete

text of the original trade edition.

It has been completely reset in a typeface

designed for easy reading and was printed

from new film.

MYTH-ING PERSONS

An Ace book / published by arrangement with

Starblaze Editions of the Donning Company/Publishers

PRINTING HISTORY

Donning edition published 1984

Ace edition / November 1986

All rights reserved.

Copyright © 1984 by Robert L. Asprin.

Cover art by Walter Velez.

This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part,

by mimeograph or any other means, without permission.

For information address: The Donning Company/Publishers,

5659 Virginia Beach Blvd., Norfolk, Virginia 23502.

ISBN: 0-441-55276-5

Ace Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group,

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are trademarks belonging to Charter Communications, Inc.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

10 9 8 7

"Reputations are fine up to a point. After

that they become a pain!"

—D.JUAN

THERE is something sinfully satisfying about doing

something you know you aren't supposed to. This was

roughly my frame of mind as I approached a specific

nondescript tent at the Bazaar at Deva with my break-

fast under my arm ... guilty, but smug.

"Excuse me, young sahr!"

I turned to find an elderly Deveel waving desperately

at me as he hurried forward. Normally I would have

avoided the encounter, as Deveels are always selling

something and at the moment I wasn't buying, but since

I wasn't in a hurry I decided to hear what he had to say.

"I'm glad I caught you in time," he said, struggling

to catch his breath. "While I don't usually meddle, you

really don't want to go in there!"

"Why not? I was just...."

"Do you know who lives there?"

"Well, actually I thought...."

"That is the dwelling of the Great Skeeve!"

Robert Asprin

Something about this busybody irritated me. Maybe

it was the way he never let me finish a sentence. Any-

way, I decided to string him along for a while."

"The Great Skeeve?"

"You never heard of him?" The Deveel seemed gen-

uinely shocked. "He's probably the most powerful

magician at the Bazaar."

My opinion of the busybody soared to new heights,

but the game was too much fun to abandon.

"I've never had too much faith in magicians," I said

with studied casualness. "I've found for the most part

their powers are overrated."

The oldster rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"That may be true in most cases, but not when it

comes to the Great Skeeve! Did you know he consorts

with Demons and has a dragon for a familiar?"

I favored him with a worldly smile.

"So what? Deva is a crossroads of the dimensions.

Dimension travelers, or Demons as you call them, are

the norm around here. As a Deveel, your main liveli-

hood comes from dealing with Demons. As for the

dragon, there's a booth not eight rows from here that

sells dragons to anyone with the price.''

"No, no! You don't understand! Of course we all

deal with Demons when it comes to business. The dif-

ference is that this Skeeve is actually friends with them

... invites them into his home and lives with them. One

of his permanent house guests is a Pervert, and I don't

know of a single Deveel who would stoop that low.

What's more, I've heard it said that he has underworld

connections."

The game was growing tiresome. Any points the

Deveel had made with his tribute to the Great Skeeve

had been lost with interest when he started commenting

on Demons.

MYTH-ING PERSONS 3

"Well, thank you for your concern," I said, holding

out my hand for a handshake. "I promise you I'll re-

member everything you've said. What was your name

again?"

The Deveel grabbed my hand and began pumping it

vigorously.

"I am Aliman, and glad to be of assistance," he said

with an ingratiating smile. "If you really want to show

your gratitude, remember my name. Should you ever be

in need of a reputable magician, I have a nephew who's

just getting started in the business. I'm sure we could ar-

range some discount prices for you. Tell me, what is

your name so I can tell him who to watch for?"

I tightened my grip slightly and gave him my widest

smile. "Well, my friends call me Skeeve."

"I'll be sure to tell... SKEEVE?"

The Deveel's eyes widened, and his complexion faded

from red to a delicate pink.

"That's right," I said, retaining my grip on his hand.

"Oh, and for your information Demons from Perv are

called Pervects, not Perverts... and he's not my house

guest, he's my partner."

The Deveel was struggling desperately now, trying to

free his hand.

"Now then, how many customers have you scared

away from my business with your tales about what a

fearsome person I am? "

The Deveel tore loose from my grip and vanished into

the crowds, sounding an incoherent scream of terror as

he went. In short, Aliman left. Right?

I watched him go with a certain amount of mischie-

vous satisfaction. I wasn't really angry, mind you. We

literally had more money than we could use right now,

so I didn't begrudge him the customers. Still, I had

never really paused to consider how formidable our

4 Robert Asprin

operation must look from the outside. Viewing it now

through a stranger's eyes, I found myself more than a

little pleased. Considering the dubious nature of my

beginning, we had built ourselves quite a reputation

over the last few years.

I had been serious when I told Aliman that I didn't

have much faith in magicians. My own reputation was

overrated to say the least, and if I was being billed as a

powerful magician, it made the others of my profession

more than a little suspect in my eyes. After several years

of seeing the inside of the magic business, I was starting

to wonder if any magician was really as good as people

thought.

I was so wrapped up in these thoughts as I entered our

humble tent that I had completely forgotten that I was

suppoised to be sneaking in. I was reminded almost im-

mediately.

The reminder came in the form of a huge man who

loomed up to block my path. "Boss," he said in a

squeaky little voice that was always surprising coming

from such a huge body, "you shouldn't ought to go out

alone like that. How many times we got to tell you...."

"It's all right, Nunzio," I said, trying to edge around

him. "I just ducked out to get some breakfast. Want a

bagel?"

Nunzio was both unconvinced and undaunted in his

scolding.

"How are we supposed to be your bodyguards if you

keep sneaking off alone every chance you get? Do you

know what Don Bruce would do to us if anything hap-

pened to you?"

"C'mon, Nunzio. You know how things are here at

the Bazaar. If the Deveels see me with a bodyguard, the

price of everything goes through the ceiling. Besides, I

MYTH-ING PERSONS 5

like being able to wander around on my own once in a

while."

"You can afford the higher prices. What you can't

afford is to set yourself up as a target for every bozo

who wants the rep of bagging the Great Skeeve."

I started to argue, but my conversation with Aliman

flashed across my mind. Nunzio was right. There were

two sides to having a reputation. If anyone believed the

rumors at the Bazaar and still meant me harm, they

would muster such firepower for the attempt that my

odds for survival would be nonexistent.

"Nunzio," I said slowly, "you may be right, but in

all honesty what could you and Guido do to stop a

magical attack on me?"

"Not a thing," he said calmly. "But they'd probably

try to knock off your bodyguards first, and that might

give you time to get away or hit them yourself before

they could muster a second attack."

He said it easily, like you or I might say "The sun

rises in the east," but it shook me. It had never really

occurred to me how expendable bodyguards are, or how

readily they accept the dangers of their profession.

"I'll try to remember that in the future," I said with a

certain degree of grave humility. "What's more, I think

I owe you and Guido an apology. Where is Guido,

anyway?"

"Upstairs arguing with His Nibbs," Nunzio grinned.

"As a matter of fact, I was looking for you to break it

up when I found you had snuck out again."

"Why didn't you say so in the first place?"

"What for? There's no rush. They'll be arguing until

you get there. I figured it was more important to con-

vince you to quit going out alone."

I groaned a little inside, but I had learned long ago the

6 Robert Asprin

futility of arguing priorities with Nunzio.

"Well, thanks again for the advice, but I'd better get

upstairs before those two kill each other."

With that I headed across the courtyard for the foun-

tain stairs to our offices....

Courtyard? Fountain stairs?

What happened to the humble tent I was walking into

a minute ago?

Weelll... I said I was a magician, didn't I? Our little

stall at the Bazaar is bigger on the inside than it is on the

outside. Lots bigger. I've lived in royal palaces that

weren't as big as our "humble tent." I can't take any

credit for this particular miracle, though, other than the

fact that it was my work that helped earn us our current

residence. We live here rent-free courtesy of the Devan

Merchants Association as partial payment for a little

job we did for them a while back. That's also how I got

my bodyguards ... but that's another story,

Devan Merchants Association, you ask? Okay. For

the uninitiated, I'll go over this just once. The dimen-

sion I'm currently residing in is Deva, home of the

shrewdest deal-drivers in all the known dimensions. You

may have heard of them. In my own home dimension

they were called devils, but I have since learned the

proper pronunciation is Deveels. Anyway, my gracious

living quarters are the result of my partner and I beating

the Deveels at their own game ... which is to say we got

the better of them in a deal. Don't tell anyone, though.

It would ruin their reputation and maybe even cost me a

cushy spot. You see, they still don't know they've been

had.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Heading for the of-;

fices. Normally after sneaking out 1 would stop by the

stables to share breakfast with Gleep, but with a crisis

on my hands I decided to forgo the pleasure of my pet's

MYTH-ING PERSONS 7

company and get to work. Gleep. He's the dragon

Aliman was talking about... and I'm not going to try

to condense that story. It's just too complicated.

Long before I reached the offices I could hear their

voices raised in their favorite "song." The lyrics

changed from time to time, but I knew the melody by

heart.

"Incompetent bungler!"

"Who are you calling an incomplete bungler?"

"I stand corrected. You are a complete bungler!"

"You better watch your mouth! Even if you are the

boss's partner, one more word and I'll...."

"You'll what? If you threw a punch the safest place

to be would be where you're aiming."

"Izzatso?"

It sounded like I had arrived in the nick of time. Tak-

ing a deep breath, I casually strolled into the teeth of the

fracas.

"Hi, guys." I pretended to be totally unaware of

what was going on. "Anyone want a bagel?"

"No, I don't want a bagel!" came the sneering re-

sponse from one combatant. "What I want is some de-

cent help."

"... and while you're at it see what you can do about

getting me a little respect!" the other countered.

The latter comment came from Guido, senior of my

two bodyguards. If anything, he's bigger and nastier

than his cousin Nunzio.

The former contribution came from Aahz. Aahz is

my partner. He's also a demon, a Pervect to be exact,

and even though he's slightly shorter than I am, he's

easily twice as nasty as my two bodyguards put together.

My strategy had worked in that I now had their an-

noyance focused on me instead of each other. Now,

realizing the potential devastation of their respective

8 Robert Asprin

temperaments individually, much less collectively, I had

cause to doubt the wisdom of my strategy.

"What seems to be the trouble?"

"The trouble," Aahz snarled, "is that your ace ;

bodyguard here just lost us a couple of clients."

My heart sank. I mentioned earlier that Aahz and I

have more money than we know what to do with, but

old habits die hard. Aahz is the tightest being I've ever

met when it comes to money, and, living at the Bazaar |

at Deva, that's saying something! If Guido had really :

lost a potential customer, we'd be hearing about it for a i

long time. I

"Ease up a minute, partner," I said more to stall for

time than anything else. "I just got here, remember?

Could you fill me in on a few of the details?"

Aahz favored Guido with one more dark stare. I

"There's not all that much to tell," he said. "I was in

the middle of breakfast..."

"He was drinking another meal," Guido translated

scornfully.

"... when mush-f or-brains here bellows up that there

are some customers waiting downstairs in reception. I

called back that I'd be down in a few, then finished my

meal."

"He kept them waiting at least half an hour. You

can't expect customers to...."

"Guido, could you hold the editorial asides for one

round? Please?" I interceded before Aahz could go for

him. "I'm still trying to get a rough idea of what hap-

pened, remember? Okay, Aahz. You were saying?"

Aahz took a deep breath, then resumed his account.

"Anyway, when I got downstairs, the customers were

nowhere to be seen. You'd think your man here would

be able to stall them or at least have the sense to call for

reinforcements if they started getting twitchy."

MYTH-ING PERSONS

"C'mon, Aahz. Guido is supposed to be a body-

guard, not a receptionist. If some customers got tired of

waiting for you to show up and left, I don't see where

you can dodge the blame by shifting it to...."

"Wait a minute. Boss. You're missing the point.

They didn't leave!"

"Come again?"

"I left 'em there in the reception room, and the next

thing I know Mr. Mouth here is hollerin' at me for los-

ing customers. They never came out! Now, like you say,

I'm supposed to be a bodyguard. By my figuring we've

got some extra people wandering the premises, and all

this slob wants to do is yell about whose fault it is."

"I know whose fault it is," Aahz said with a glare.

"There are only two ways out of that reception room,

and they didn't come past me!"

"Well they didn't come past me!" Guido countered.

I started to get a very cold feeling in my stomach.

"Aahz, "I said softly.

"If you think I don't know when...."

"AAHZ!"

That brought him up short. He turned to me with an

angry retort on his lips, then he saw my expression.

"What is it, Skeeve? You look as if...."

"There are more than two ways out of that room."

We stared at each other in stunned silence for a few

moments, then we both sprinted for the reception room,

leaving Guido to trail along behind.

The room we had selected for our reception area was

one of the largest in the place, and the only large room

with easy access from the front door. It was furnished in

a style lavish enough to impress even those customers

spoiled by the wonders of the Bazaar who were expect-

ing to see the home office of a successful magician.

There was only one problem with it, and that was the

10

Robert Asprin

focus of our attention as we dashed in.

The only decoration that we had kept from the previ-

ous owners was an ornate tapestry hanging on the north

wall. Usually I'm faster than Aahz, but this time he beat

me to the hanging, sweeping it aside with his arm to re-

veal a heavy door behind it.

Our worst fears were realized.

The door was unlocked and standing ajar.

Chapter Two:

"Success often hinges on choosing a

reliable partner."

—REMUS

"WHAT'S that?" Guido demanded, taking advantage of

our stunned silence.

"It's a door," I said.

"An open door, to be specific," Aahz supplied.

"I can see that for myself!" the bodyguard roared. "I

meant what is it doing here?"

"It would look pretty silly standing alone in the mid-

dle of the street now, wouldn't it?" Aahz shot back.

Guido purpled. As I've said, these two have a positive

talent for getting under each other's skins.

"Now look, all I'm askin'...."

"Guido, could you just hang on for a few minutes

until we decide what to do next? Then we'll explain, I

promise."

My mind was racing over the problem, and having

Aahz and Guido going at each other did nothing for my

concentration.

"I think the first thing we should do, partner," Aahz

11

12 Robert Asprin

said thoughtfully, "is to get the door closed so that we

won't be... interrupted while we work this out."

Rather than answer, I reached out a cautious toe and

pushed the door shut. Aahz quickly slipped two of the

bolts in place to secure it.

That done, we leaned against the door and looked at

each other in silence.

"Well? What do you think?" I asked at last.

"I'm in favor of sealing it up again and forgetting the

whole thing."

"Think it's safe to do that?"

"Don't know, really. Not enough information."

We both turned slowly to level thoughtful stares at

Guido.

"Say, uh, Guido, could you tell us a little more about

those customers who came in this morning?"

"Nothing doin'." Guido crossed his arms. "You're

the guys who insist on 'information for information.'

Right? Well, I'm not telling you anything more until

somebody tells me about that door. I mean, I'm sup-

posed to be your bodyguard and nobody bothers to tell

me there's another way into this place?"

Aahz bared his teeth and started forward, but I

caught him by the shoulder.

"He's right, partner. If we want his help, we owe him

an explanation."

We locked eyes again for a moment, then he shrugged

and retreated.

"Actually, Guido, the explanation is very sim-

ple. ..."

"That'll be a first," the bodyguard grumbled.

In a bound, Aahz was across the room and had Guido

by the shirt front.

"You wanted an explanation? Then SHUT UP AND

LET HIM EXPLAIN!"

MYTH-ING PERSONS 13

Now Guido is no lightweight, and he's never been

short in the courage department. Still, there's nothing

quite like Aahz when he's really mad.

"0—Okay! Sorry! Go ahead. Boss. I'm listening."

Aahz released his grip and returned to his place by the

door, winking at me covertly as he went.

"What happened is this," I said, hiding a smile.

"Aahz and I found that door when we first moved in

here. We didn't like the looks of it, so we decided to

leave it alone. That's all."

"That's all!? A back door that even you admit looks

dangerous and all you do is ignore it? And if that wasn't

bad enough, you don't even bother to tell your body-

guards about it? Of all the lamebrained, half...."

Aahz cleared his throat noisily, and Guido regained

control of himself... rapidly.

"Aahh... what I mean to say is ... oh well. That's

all behind us now. Could you give me a little more in-

formation now that the subject's out in the open?

What's on the other side of that door, anyway?"

"We don't know," I admitted.

"YOU DON'T KNOW?" Guido shrieked.

"What we do know," Aahz interrupted hastily, "is

what isn't on the other side. What isn't there is any di-

mension we know about."

Guido blinked, then shook his head. "I don't get it.

Could you run that past me again ... real slow?"

"Let me try," I said. "Look, Guido, you already

know about dimensions, right? How we're living in the

dimension Deva, which is an entirely different world

than our own home dimension of Klah? Well, the

people here, the Deveels, are masters of dimension

travel to a point where they build their houses across the

dimension barriers. That's how come this place is bigger

on the inside than it is on the outside. The door is in

14 Robert Asprin

Deva, but the rest of the house is in another dimension.

That means if we go through that door, the back door

that we've just shown you, we'd be in another world ...

one we know nothing about. That's why we were willing

to leave it sealed up rather than stick our noses out into

a completely unknown situation."

"I still think you should have checked it out," the

bodyguard insisted stubbornly.

"Think again," Aahz supplied. "You've only seen

two dimensions. Skeeve here has visited a dozen. I've

been to over a hundred myself. The Deveels you see here

at the Bazaar, on the other hand, know over a thousand

different dimensions."

"So?"

"So we think they gave us this place because it opens

into a dimension that they don't want... 'don't want'

as in 'scared to death of. Now, you've seen what a

Deveel will brave to turn a profit. Do you want to go ex-

ploring in a world that's too mean for them to face?"

"I see what you mean."

"Besides." Aahz finished triumphantly, "take an-

other look at that door. It's got more locks and bolts

than three ordinary bank vaults."

"Somebody opened it," Guido said pointedly.

That took some of the wind out of Aahz's sails.

Despite himself, he shot a nervous glance at the door.

"Well... a good thief with a lockpick working from

this side...."

"Some of these locks weren't picked, Aahz."

I had been taking advantage of their discussion to do

a little snooping, and now held up one of my discoveries

for their inspection. It was a padlock with the metal

shackle snapped off. There were several of them scat-

tered about, as if someone had gotten impatient with the

MYTH-ING PERSONS 15

lockpick and simply torn the rest of them apart with his

hands.

Guido pursed his lips in a silent whistle. "Man, that's

strong. What kind of person could do that?"

"That's what we've been trying to get you to tell us,"

Aahz said nastily. "Now, if you don't mind, what were

those customers like?"

"Three of them... two men and a woman... fairly

young-looking, but nothing special. Klahds by the look

of 'em. Come to think of it, they did seem a bit nervous,

but I thought it was just because they were coming to see

a magician."

"Well, now they're on the other side of the door."

Aahz scooped up one of the undamaged locks and

snapped it into place. "I don't think they can pick

locks, or break them if they can't reach 'em. They're

there, which is their problem, self-inflicted I might add,

and we're here. End of puzzle. End of problem."

"Do you really think so, Aahz?"

"Trust me."

Somehow that phrase struck a familiar chord in my

memory, and the echoes weren't pleasant. I was about

to raise this point with Aahz when Nunzio poked his

head in the door.

"Hey, Boss. You got visitors."

"See?" my partner exclaimed, beaming. "I told you

things could only get better! It's not even noon and

we've got more customers."

"Actually," Nunzio clarified, "it's a delegation of

Deveels. I think it's the landlord."

"The landlord?" Aahz echoed hollowly.

"See how much better things have gotten?" I said

with a disgusted smirk. "And it's not even noon."

"Shall I run 'em off, Boss?" Guido suggested.

16 Robert Asprin

"I think you'd better see *em," Nunzio advised.

"They seem kind'a upset. Something about us harbor-

ing fugitives."

Aahz and I locked gazes in silence, which was only

natural as there was nothing more to be said. With a

vague wave that bordered on a nervous tick, I motioned

for Nunzio to show the visitors in.

As expected, it was the same delegation of four from

the Devan Chamber of Commerce who had originally

hired us to work for the Bazaar, headed by our old ad-

versary, Hay-ner. Last time we dealt with him, we had

him over a barrel and used the advantage mercilessly.

While he had agreed to our terms, I always suspected it

had hurt his Devan pride to cut such a generous deal and

that he had been waiting ever since to pay us back. From

the smile on his face as he entered our reception room, it

appeared he felt his chance had finally come.

"Aahh, Master Skeeve," he said. "How good of you

to see us so promptly without an appointment. I know

how busy you are, so I'll come right to the point. I

believe there are certain individuals in residence here

that our organization is most anxious to speak with. If

you would be so kind as to summon them, we won't

trouble you further."

"Wait a minute, Hay-ner," Aahz put in before I

could respond. "What makes you think the people

you're looking for are here?"

"Because they were seen entering your tent less than

an hour ago and haven't come out yet," said the largest

of Hay-ner's back-up team.

I noticed that unlike Hay-ner, he wasn't smiling. In

fact, he looked down-right angry.

"He must mean the ones who came in earlier," Nun-

zio suggested helpfully. "You know. Boss, the two guys

with the broad."

MYTH-ING PERSONS

17

Aahz rolled his eyes in helpless frustration, and for

once I was inclined to agree with him.

"Umm, Nunzio," I said, staring at the ceiling, "why

don't you and Guido wait outside while we take care of

this?"

The two bodyguards trooped outside in silence,

though I noticed that Guido glared at his cousin with

such disdain that I suspected a stern dressing-down

would take place even before I could get to him myself.

The Mob is no more tolerant than magicians of staff

members who say more than they should in front of the

opposition.

"Now that we've established that we all know who

we're talking about and that they're here," Hay-ner

said, rubbing his hands together, "call them out and

we'll finish this once and for all."

"Not so fast," I interrupted. "First of all, neither of

us have laid eyes on those folks you're looking for,

because, second of all, they aren't here. They took it on

the lam out the back door before we could meet them."

"Somehow, I don't expect you to take our word for

it," Aahz added. "So feel free to search the place."

The Deveel's smile broadened, and I was conscious of

cold sweat breaking out on my brow.

"That won't be necessary. You see, whether I believe

you or not is of little consequence. Even if we searched,

I'm sure you would be better at hiding things than we

would be at finding them. All that really matters is that

we've established that they did come in here, and that

makes them .your responsibility."

I wasn't sure exactly what was going on here, but I

was sure that I was liking it less and less with each pass-

ing moment.

"Wait a minute, Hay-ner," I began. "What do you

mean 'We're responsible'? Responsible for what?"

18 Robert Asprin ;

"Why, for the fugitives, of course. Don't you remem- |

ber? When we agreed to let you use this place rent-free,

part of the deal was that if anyone of this household

broke any of the Bazaar rules, and either disappeared

off to another dimension or. otherwise refused to face ;

the charges, that you would personally take responsibil-

ity for their actions. It's a standard clause in any Bazaar

lease."

"Aahz," I said testily, "you cut the deal. Was there a

clause like that in it?" |

"There was," he admitted. "But I was thinking of

Tananda and Chumley at the time... and we'll stand

behind them anytime. Massha, too. It never occurred to

me that they'd try to claim that anyone who walked

through our door was a member of our household. I

don't see how they can hope to prove...."

"We don't have to prove that they're in your house-

hold," Hay-ner smiled. "You have to prove they

aren't." I

"That's crazy," Aahz exploded. "How can we |

prove...." I

"Can it, Aahz. We can't prove it. That's the point. |

All right, Hay-ner. You've got us. Now what exactly

have these characters done that we're responsible for

and what are our options? I thought one of the big sales

points of the Bazaar was that there weren't any rules

here."

"There aren't many," the Deveel said, "but the few

that do exist are strictly enforced. The specific rule your

friends broke involves fraud."

He quickly held up a hand to suppress my retort.

"I know what you're going to say. Fraud sounds like

a silly charge with all the hard bargaining that goes on

here at the Bazaar, but to us it's a serious matter. While

we pride ourselves in driving a hard bargain, once the

MYTH-ING PERSONS 19

deal is made you get the goods you were promised.

Sometimes there are specific details omitted in describ-

ing the goods, but anything actually said is true. That is

our reputation and the continued success of the Bazaar

depends on that reputation being scrupulously main-

tained. If a trader or merchant sells something claiming

it to be magical and it turns out to have no powers at all,

that's fraud ... and if the perpetrators are allowed to go

unpunished, it could mean the end of the Bazaar as we

know it."

"Actually," I said drily, "all I was going to do was

protest you billing them as our friends, but I'll let it go.

What you haven't mentioned is our options."

Hay-ner shrugged. "There are only three, really. You

can pay back the money they took falsely plus a twenty-

five percent fine, accept permanent banishment from

the Bazaar, or you can try to convince your fr—aahh, I

mean the fugitives to return to the Bazaar to settle mat-

ters themselves."

"I see... Very well. You've had your say. Now

please leave so my partner and I can discuss our position

on the matter."

Aahz took care of seeing them out while I plunged

into thought as to what we should do. When he re-

turned, we both sat in silence for the better part of an

hour before either of us spoke.

"Well," I said at last, "what do you think?"

"Banishment from the Bazaar is out!" Aahz snarled.

"Not only would it destroy our reputations, I'm not

about to get run out of the Bazaar and our home over

something as idiotic as this!"

"Agreed," I said grimly. "Even though it occurs to

me that Hay-ner is bluffing on that option. He wants us

to stick around the Bazaar as much as we want to stay.

He was the one who hired us in the first place, remem-

Robert Asprin

20

ber? I think he's expecting us to ante up and pay the

money. That way he gets back some of the squeeze he so

grudgingly parted with. Somehow the idea of giving in

to that kind of pressure really galls me."

Aahz nodded. "Me too."

There followed several more minutes of silence.

"Okay," Aahz said finally, "who's going to say it?"

"We're going to have to go after them." I sighed.

"Half right," Aahz corrected. "I'm going to have to

go after them. Partner or not, we're talking about hit-

ting a totally new dimension here, and it's too danger-

ous for someone at your level of magical skill."

"My level? How about you? You don't have any

powers at all. If it's too dangerous for me, what's sup-

posed to keep you safe?"

"Experience," he said loftily. "I'm used to doing

this, and you aren't. End of argument."

" 'End of argument' nothing! Just how do you pro-

pose to leave me behind if I don't agree?"

"That's easy," Aahz grinned. "See who's standing in

the corner?"

I turned to look where he was pointing, and that's the

last thing I remembered for a long time.

Chapter Three:

"Reliable information is a must for suc-

cessful planning."

—C. COLUMBUS

"HEY! Hot stuff! Wake up!! You okay?"

If I led a different kind of life, those words would

have been uttered by a voluptuous vision of female

loveliness. As it was, they were exclaimed by Massha.

This was one of the first things that penetrated the

fogginess of my mind as I struggled to regain con-

sciousness. I'm never at my best first thing in the morn-

ing, even when I wake up leisurely of my own accord.

Having wakefulness forced upon me by someone else

only guarantees that my mood will be less than pleasant.

However groggy I might be feeling, though, there was

no mistaking the fact that it was Massha shaking me

awake. Even through unfocused eyes, her form was

unmistakable. Imagine, if you will, the largest, fattest

woman you've ever met. Now expand that image by

fifty percent in all directions, top it off with garish

orange hair, and false eyelashes and purple lipstick, and

adorn it with a wheelbarrow load of gaudy jewelry. See

21

Robert Asprin

22

what I mean? I could recognize Massha a mile away on

a dark night... blindfolded.

"Of course I'm okay, apprentice'." I snarled. "Don't

you have any lessons you're supposed to be practicing

or something?"

"Are you sure? she pressed mercilessly.

"Yes, I'm sure. Why do you ask? Can't a fellow take

a little nap without being badgered about it?"

"It's just that you don't usually take naps in the

middle of the reception room floor."

That got my attention, and I forced my eyes into

focus. She was right! For some reason I was sprawled

out on the floor. Now what could have possessed me

to....

Then it all came back! Aahz! The expedition into the

new dimension!

I sat bolt upright... and regretted it immediately. A

blinding headache assaulted me with icepick intensity,

and my stomach flipped over and landed on its back

with all the grace of a lump of overcooked oatmeal.

Massha caught me by the shoulder as I started to list.

"Steady there, High Roller. Looks like your idea of

'okay' and mine are a little out of synch."

Ignoring her, I felt the back of my head cautiously

and discovered a large, tender lump behind my ear. If I

had had any doubts as to what had happened, they were

gone now.

"That bloody Pervert!" I said, flinching at the new

wave of pain brought on by the sound of my own voice.

"He must have knocked me out and gone in alone!"

"You mean Aahz? Dark, green, and scaly himself? I

don't get it. Why would your own partner sucker-punch

you?"

"So he could go through the door without me. I made;

MYTH-ING PERSONS

23

it very clear that I didn't want to be left behind on this

caper."

"Door? What door?" Massha said with a frown. "I

know you two have your secrets, Boss, but I think you'd

better fill me in on a few more details as to exactly

what's going on around here."

As briefly as I could, I brought her up to date on the

day's events, including the explanation as to why Aahz

and I had never said anything about the house's mys-

terious back door. Being a seasoned dimension traveler

herself, she grasped the concept of an unlisted dimen-

sion and its potential dangers much more rapidly than

Guide and Nunzio.

"What I don't understand is even if he didn't want

you along, why didn't he take someone else as a back-

up?"

"Like who?" I said with a wry grimace. "We've

already established that you're my apprentice and he

doesn't give you orders without clearing them through

me. He's never been impressed with Guido and Nunzio.

Tananda and Chumley are off on their own contracts

and aren't due back for several days. Even Gus is taking

a well-earned vacation with Berfert. Besides, he knows

good and well that if he started building a team and

excluded me, there'd be some serious problems before

the dust settled. I wouldn't take something like that

lying down!"

"Don't look now, but you just did," my apprentice

pointed out dryly, "though I have to admit he sort of

forced it on you."

With that, she slid a hand under each of my armpits

and picked me up, setting me gently on my feet.

"Well, now what? I supposed you're going to go

charging after him with blood in your eye. Mind if I tag

24

Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 25

along? Or are you bound and determined to be as stupid

as he is?"

As a matter of fact, that was exactly what I had been

planning to do. The undisguised sarcasm in her voice

combined with the unsettling wobbliness of my legs,

however, led me to reconsider.

"No," I said carefully. "One of us blundering

around out there is enough ... or one too many, de-

pending on how you count it. While I still think I should

have gone along, Aahz has dealt this hand, so it's up to

him to play it out. It's up to me to mind the store until

he gets back."

Massha cocked an eyebrow at me.

"That makes sense," she said, "though I'll admit I'm

a little surprised to hear you say it."

"I'm a responsible businessman now." I shrugged.

"I can't afford to go off half-cocked like a rash kid any-

more. Besides, I have every confidence in my partner's

ability to handle things."

Those were brave words, and I meant them. Two days

later, however, this particular 'responsible business-

man' was ready to go off fully cocked. Guido and Nun-

zio ceased to complain about my sneaking off alone...

mostly because I didn't go out at all! In fact, I spent

most of my waking hours and all of my sleeping hours

(though I'll admit I didn't sleep much) in the reception

room on the off-chance that I could greet Aahz on his

triumphant return.

Unfortunately, my vigil went unrewarded.

I did my best to hide my concern, but I needn't have

bothered. As the hours marched on, my staff's worries

grew until most of my time was spent telling them, "No,

he isn't back yet. When he gets here, I'll let you know."

Even Guido, who never really got along with Aahz,

took to stopping by at least once an hour for a no-prog-

ress report.

Finally, as a salve for my own nerves, I called every-

one into the reception room for a staff meeting.

"What I want to know is how long are we just going

to sit around before we admit that something's gone

wrong?" Guido muttered for the fifth time.

"How long do you figure it takes to find a fugitive in

a strange dimension?" I shot back. "How long would it

take you to find them if they were on Klah, Guido?

We've got to give him some time."

"How much time?" he countered. "It's already been

two days...."

"Tananda and Chumley will be back any time now,"

Massha interrupted. "Do you think they'll just sit

around on their hands when they find out that Aahz is

out there all alone?"

"I thought you were the one who thought that going

after him was a stupid idea?"

"I still do. Now do you want to know what I think of

the idea of doing nothingi"

Before I could answer, a soft knock sounded at the

door ... the back door!

"See!" I crowed triumphantly. "I told you he would

be back!"

"That doesn't sound like his knock," Guido ob-

served suspiciously.

"And why should he knock?" Massha added. "The

door hasn't been locked since he left."

In my own relief and enthusiasm, their remarks went

unnoticed. In a flash I was at the door, wrenching it

open while voicing the greeting I had been rehearsing

for two days.

"It's about time, part... ner."

26

MYTH-ING PERSONS 27

Robert Asprin

It wasn't Aahz.

In fact, the being outside the door didn't look any-

thing at all like Aahz. What was doubly surprising,

though, was that I recognized her!

We had never really met... not to exchange names,

but shortly after meeting Aahz I had been strung up by

an angry mob while impersonating her, and I had seen

her in the crowd when I successfully "interviewed" for

the job of court magician at Possletum.

What I had never had a chance to observe first-hand

was her radiant complexion framed by waves of sun-

gold hair, or the easy grace with which she carried her-

self, or the....

"It's the Great Skeeve, right? Behind the open

mouth?"

Her voice was so musical it took me a few moments to

zero in on what she had said and realize that she was ex-

pecting an answer.

"Aahh ... yes. I mean, at your service,"

"Glad to finally meet you face-to-face," she said

briskly, glancing at Guido and Massha nervously. "I've

been looking for an excuse for a while, and I guess this

is it. Got some news for you... about your appren-

tice."

I was still having problems focusing on what she was

saying. Not only was her voice mesmerizing, she was

easily the loveliest woman I had ever met... well, girl

actually. She couldn't have been much older than me.

What's more, she seemed to like me. That is, she kept

smiling hesitantly and her deep blue eyes never left

mine. Now, I had gotten respect from my colleagues

and from beings at the Bazaar who knew my reputation,

but never from anyone who looked like ....

Then her words sank in.

"My apprentice?"

I stole an involuntary glance at Massha before I real-

ized the misunderstanding.

"Oh, you mean Aahz. He's not my apprentice any

more. He's my partner. Please come in. We were just

talking about him."

I stood to one side of the door and invited her in with

a grand sweeping gesture. I'd never tried it before, but I

had seen it used a couple of times while I was working

the court at Possletum, and it had impressed me.

"Umm—Boss? Could I talk to you for a minute?"

"Later, Guido."

I repeated the gesture, and the girl responded with a

quick smile that lit up the room.

"Thanks for the invite," she said, "but I'll have to

take a rain check. I really can't stay. In fact, I shouldn't

be here at all. I just thought that someone should let you

know that your friend... Aahz is it? Anyway, your

friend is in jail."

That brought me back to earth in a hurry.

"Aahz? In jail? For what?"

"Murder."

"MURDER!" I shrieked, dropping all attempts to be

urbane. "But Aahz wouldn't.. .."

"Don't shout at me! Oh, I knew I shouldn't have

come. Look, I know he didn't do it. That's why I had to

let you know what was going on. If you don't do some-

thing, they're going to execute him... and they know

how to execute demons over here."

I spun around to face the others.

"Massha! Go get your jewelry case. Guido, Nunzio!

Gear up. We're going to pay a little call on our neigh-

bors."

I tried to keep my voice calm and level, but somehow

the words came out a bit more intense than I had in-

tended.

28

Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 29

"Not so fast. Boss," Guido said. "There's something

you oughta know first."

"Later. I want you to...."

"NOW, Boss. It's important!"

"WHAT IS IT!"

Needless to say, I was not eager to enter into any pro-

longed conversations just now.

"She's one of'em."

"I beg your pardon?"

"The three that went out through the back door. The

ones your partner is chasing. She's the broad."

Thunderstruck, I turned to the girl for confirmation,

only to find the doorway was empty. My mysterious

visitor had disappeared as suddenly as she had arrived.

"This could be a trap, you know," Massha said

thoughtfully.

"She's right." Guido nodded. "Take it from some-

one who's been on the lam himself. When you're run-

ning from the law and there are only a couple of people

who can find you, it gets real tempting to eliminate that

link. We've only got her word that your partner's in

trouble."

"It wouldn't take a mental giant to figure out that

you and Aahz are the most likely hunters for the Deveels

to hire. After all, they knew whose house they were cut-

ting through for their getaway," Massha added.

Guido rose to his feet and started pacing.

"Right," he said. "Now suppose they've got Aahz.

Can you think of a better way to bag the other half of

the pair than by feeding you a line about your partner

being in trouble so you'll come charging into whatever

trap they've laid out? The whole set-up stinks, Boss. I

don't know about strange dimensions, but I do know

about criminals. As soon as you step through that door,

you're gonna be a sitting duck."

"Are you quite through?"

Even to my ears my voice sounded icy, but for a

change I didn't care.

Guido and Massha exchanged glances, then nodded

silently.

"Very well. You may be right, and I appreciate your

concern for my well-being. HOWEVER ..."

My voice sank to a deadly hiss.

"... what if you're wrong? What if our fugitive is

telling the truth? You've all been on my case about not

doing anything to help Aahz. Do you really think I'm

just going to sit here while my partner AND friend

burns for a crime he didn't commit ... on the off-

chance that getting involved might be dangerous to

me?"

With great effort I forced my tones back to normal.

"In ten minutes I'm going through that door after

Aahz... and if I'm walking into a trap, it had better be

a good one. Now do any of you want to come with me,

or am I going it alone?"

Chapter Four:

"It's useless to try to plan for the unex-

pected ... by definition!"

—A. HITCHCOCK

ACTUALLY, it was more like an hour before we were

really ready to go, though for me it seemed like a lot

longer. Still, even I had to admit that not taking the

proper preparations for this venture would not only be

foolish, it would be downright suicidal!

It was decided that Nunzio would stay behind so there

would be someone at our base to let Tananda and

Chumley know what was going on when they returned.

Needless to say, he was less than thrilled by the assign-

ment.

"But I'm supposed to be your bodyguard!" he ar-

gued. "How'm I supposed to guard you if I'm sittin'

back here while you're on the front lines?"

"By being sure our support troops get the informa-

tion they need to follow us," I said.

As much as I disliked having to argue with Nunzio, I

would rather dig in my heels against half a dozen Mob-

type bodyguards than have to explain to Tananda and

30

MYTH-ING PERSONS 31

Chumley why they weren't included in this rescue mis-

sion.

"We could leave a note."

"No."

"We could...."

"NO! I want you here. Is that plain enough?"

The bodyguard heaved a heavy sigh. "Okay, Boss.

I'll hang in here until they show up. Then the three of us

will...."

"No!" I said again. "Then Tananda and Chumley

will come in after us. You're going to stay here."

"But Boss...."

"Because if Hay-ner and his crew show up again,

someone has to be here to let them know we're on the

job and that we haven't just taken off for the tall

timber. Assuming for the moment that we're going to

make it back, we need our exit route, and you're going

to be here making sure it stays open. All we need is for

our hosts to move in a new tenant while we're gone...

say, someone who decides to brick up this door while

we're on the other side."

Nunzio thought this through in silence.

"What if you don't come back?" he asked finally.

"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it," I

sighed. "But remember, we aren't that easy to kill. At

least one of us will probably make it back."

Fortunately, my mind was wrenched away from that

unpleasant train of thought by the arrival of Guido.

"Ready to go. Boss."

Despite the desperateness of the situation and the

haunting time pressures, I found myself gaping at him.

"What's that?" I managed at last.

Guido was decked out in a long dark coat and wear-

ing a wide-brimmed hat and sunglasses.

"These? These are my work clothes," he said

32 Robert Asprin

proudly. "They're functional as well as decorative."

"They're what?"

"What I mean is, not only do people find 'em in-

timidating, the trench coat has all these little pockets in-

side, see? That's where I carry my hardware."

"But...."

"Hi, Hot Stuff. Nice outfit, Guido."

"Thanks! I was just telling the Boss here about it."

Massha was dressed ... or should I say undressed in

her work clothes. A brief vest struggled to cover even

part of her massive torso, while an even briefer bottom

was on the verge of surrendering its battle completely.

"Ummm ....assha?" I said carefully. "I've always

meant to ask. Why don't you... ummm... wear

more?"

"I like to dress cool when we're going into a hot situa-

tion," she winked. "You see, when things speed up, I

get a little nervous... and the only thing worse than

havin' a fat broad around is havin' a sweaty fat broad

around."

"I think it's a sexy outfit," Guido chimed in. "Re-

minds me of the stuff my old man's moll used to wear."

"Well thanks. Dark and Deadly. I'd say your old

man had good taste ... but I never tasted him."

I studied them thoughtfully as they shared a laugh

over Massha's joke. Any hope of a quiet infiltration of

this unknown dimension was rapidly disintegrating.

Either Guido or Massha alone was eye-catching, but

together they were about as inconspicuous as a circus

parade and an army maneuver sharing the same road.

Then it occurred to me that, not knowing what things

were like where we were heading, they might fit in and /

would stand out. It was a frightening thought. If every-

body there looked like this....

I forced the thought from my mind. No use scaring

MYTH-ING PERSONS 33

myself any more than I had to before there was in-

formation to back it up. What was important was that

my two assistants were scared. They were trying hard

not to show it, but in doing so, each was dropping into

old patterns, slipping behind old character masks.

Guido was playing his "tough gangster" bit to the hilt,

while Massha was once more assuming her favorite

"vamp" character with a vengeance. The bottom line,

though, was that, scared or not, they were willing to

back my move or die trying. It would have been touch-

ing, if it weren't for the fact that it meant they were

counting on me for leadership. That meant I had to stay

calm and confident... no matter how scared I felt my-

self. It only occurred to me as an afterthought that, in

many ways, leadership was the mask / was learning to

slip behind when things got tight. It made me wonder

briefly if anyone ever really knew what they were doing

or felt truly confident, or if life was simply a mass game

of role-playing.

"Okay. Are we ready?" I asked, shrugging off my

wandering thoughts. "Massha? Got your jewelry?"

"Wearing most of it, and the rest is right here," she

said, patting the pouch on her belt.

While I will occasionally make snide mental com-

ments about my apprentice's jewelry, it serves a dual

purpose. Massha's baubles are in reality a rather exten-

sive collection of magical gimmicks she has accumulated

over the years. How extensive? Well, before she signed

on as my apprentice to learn real magic, she was holding

down a steady job as the magician for the city-state of

Ta-hoe on the dimension of Jahk solely on the strength

of her collected mechanical "powers." While I agreed

with Aahz that real magic was preferable to mechanical

in that it was less likely to malfunction (a lesson learned

from first-hand experience) I sure didn't mind having

Robert Asprin

34 MYTH-ING PERSONS 35

her arsenal along for back-up.

"You know that tracking ring? The one you used to

find the king? Any chance there's an extra tucked away

in your pouch?"

"Only have the one," she said, waggling the ap-

propriate finger.

I cursed mentally, then made the first of what I feared

would be many unpleasant decisions on this venture.

"Give it to Nunzio. Tananda and Chumley will need

it to find us."

"But if we leave it behind, how are we going to find

your partner?"

"We'll have to figure out something, but we can't

afford to divide our forces. Otherwise, even if we get

Aahz, we could still end up wandering around out there

trying to find the other half of the rescue team."

"If you say so. Hot Stuff," she grimaced, handing

over the ring, "but I hope you know what you're

doing."

"So do I, Massha, so do I. Okay, gang, let's see what

our backyard is really like!"

From the outside, our place looked a lot more impres-

sive than the side that showed in the Bazaar. It really did

look like a castle ... a rather ominous one at that,

squatting alone on a hilltop. I really didn't study it too

close, though, beyond being able to recognize it again

for our trip out. As might be expected, my main atten-

tion was focused on the new dimension itself.

"Kinda dark, ain't it."

Guide's comment was more statement than question,

and he was right.

Wherever we were, the lighting left a lot to be desired.

At first I thought it was night, which puzzled me, as so

far in my travels all dimensions seemed to be on the

same sun-up and sun-down schedule. Then my eyes

adjusted to the gloom and I realized the sky was simply

heavily overcast... to a point where next to no light at

all penetrated, giving a night-like illusion to the day.

Aside from that, from what I could see, this new land

seemed pretty much like any of the others I had visited:

Trees, underbrush, and a road leading to or from the

castle, depending on which way you were facing. I think

it was Tananda who was fond of saying "If you've seen

one dimension, you've seen them all." Chumley, her

brother, argued that the reason for the geologic similari-

ties was that all the dimensions we traveled were differ-

ent realities off the same base. This always struck me as

being a bit redundant... "They're all alike because

they're the same? C'mon Chumley!", but his rebuttals

always left me feeling like I'd been listening to someone

doing readings in another language, so of late I've been

tending to avoid the discussions.

"Well, Hot Stuff, what do we do now?"

For a change, I had an answer for this infuriating

question.

"This road has to go somewhere. Just the fact that it

exists indicates we aren't alone in this dimension."

"I thought we already knew that," Guido said under

his breath. "That's why we're here."

I gave him my best dark glare.

"I believe there was some debate as to whether or not

we were being lied to about Aahz being held prisoner. If

there's a road here, it's a cinch that neither my partner

nor the ones he was chasing built it. That means we have

native types to deal with . .. possibly hostile."

"Right," Massha put in quickly. "Put a sock in it,

Guido. I want to hear our plan of action, and I don't

like being kept waiting by hecklers."

The bodyguard frowned, but kept his silence.

36 Robert Asprin

"Okay. Now, what we've got to do is follow this road

and find out where it goes. Hug the side of the road and

be ready to disappear if you hear anybody coming. We

don't know what the locals look like, and until I have a

model to work from, it's pointless for me to try to dis-

guise us."

With those general marching orders, we made our

way through the dark along the road, moving quietly to

avoid tipping our hand to anyone ahead of us. In a short

time we came up to our first decision point. The road we

were on ended abruptly when it met another, much

larger thoroughfare. My assistants looked at me

expectantly. With a shrug I made the arbitrary decision

and led them off to the right down this new course. As

we went, I reflected with some annoyance that even

though both Massha and Guido knew that I was as new

to this terrain as they were, it somehow fell to me to

choose the path.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of voices

ahead, coming our way. The others heard it too, and

without word or signal we melted into the underbrush.

Squatting down, I peered through the gloom toward the

road, anxious to catch my first glimpse of the native life

forms.

I didn't have long to wait. Two figures appeared, a

young couple by the look of them, talking and laughing

merrily as they went. They looked pretty normal to me,

which was a distinct relief, considering the forms I had

had to imitate in some of the other dimensions. They

were humanoid enough to pass for Klahds... or Jahks,

actually, as they were a bit pale. Their dress was not dis-

similar from my own, though a bit more colorful. Ab-

sorbing all this in a glance, I decided to make my first

try for information. I mean, after all my fears, they

were so familiar it was almost a letdown, so why not

MYTH-ING PERSONS 37

bull ahead? Compared with some of the beings I've had

to deal with in the past, this looked like a piece of cake.

Signaling the others to stay put, I stepped out onto

the road behind my target couple.

"Excuse me!" I called "I'm new to this area and in

need of a little assistance. Could you direct me to the

nearest town?"

Translation pendants were standard equipment for

dimension travel, and as I was wearing one now, I had

no fear of not being understood.

The couple turned to face me, and I was immediately

struck by their eyes. The "whites" of their eyes glowed

a dark red, sending chills down my spine. It occurred to

me that I might have studied the locals a bit longer

before I tried to pass myself off as a native. It also

occurred to me that I had already committed myself to

this course of action and would have to bluff my way

through it regardless. Finally, it occurred to me that I

was a suicidal idiot and that I hoped Massha and Guido

were readying their back-up weapons to save me from

my own impatience.

Strangely enough, the couple didn't seem to notice

anything unusual about my appearance.

"The nearest town? That would be Blut. It's not far,

we just came from there. It's got a pretty wild night life,

if you're into that kind of thing."

There was something about his mouth that nagged at

the edges of my mind. Unfortunately, I couldn't look at

it directly without breaking eye contact, so, buoyed by

my apparent acceptance, I pushed ahead with the con-

versation.

"Actually, I'm not too big on night life. I'm trying to

run down an old friend of mine I've lost touch with. Is

there a post office or a police station in Blut I could ask

at?"

38 Robert Asprin

"Better than that," the man laughed. "The one you

want to talk to is the Dispatcher. He keeps tabs on

everybody. The third warehouse on your left as you

enter town. He's converted the whole second floor into

an office. If he can't help you, nobody can."

As vital as the information was, I only paid it partial

attention. When the man laughed, I had gotten a better

look at his mouth. His teeth were....

"Look at his teeth!" the girl gasped, speaking for the

first time.

"My teeth?" I blinked, realizing with a start that she

was staring at me with undisguised astonishment.

Her companion, in the meantime, had paled notice-

ably and was backing away on unsteady legs.

"You ... you're ... Where did you come from?"

Trying my best to maintain a normal manner until I

had figured out what was going on, I moved forward to

keep our earlier conversational distance.

"The castle on the hill back there. I was just...."

"THE CASTLE!?!"

In a flash the couple turned and sprinted away from

me down the road.

"Monster!! Help!! MONSTER!!!"

I actually spun and looked down the road behind me,

trying to spot the object of their terror. Looking at the

empty road, however, it slowly began to sink in. They

were afraid of me\ Monster?

Of all the reactions I had tried to anticipate for our

reception in this new land, I had never in my wildest

imaginings expected this.

Me? A monster?

"I think we've got problems. High Roller," Massha

said as she and Guido emerged from the brush at my

side.

MYTH-ING PERSONS 39

"I'll say. Unless I'm reading the signs all wrong,

they're afraid of me."

She heaved a great sigh and shook her head.

"That's not what I'm talking about. Did you see their

teeth?"

"I saw his," I said."The canines were long and

pointed. Pretty weird, huh?"

"Not all that weird, Hot Stuff. Think about it. My

bet is that you were just talking to a couple of vam-

pires!"

MYTH-ING PERSONS 41

Chapter Five:

"To survive, one must be able to adapt to

changing situations."

—TYRANNOSAURUS REX

"VAMPIRES," I said carefully.

"Sure. It all fits." Massha nodded. "The pale skin,

the sharp fangs, the red eyeliner, the way they turned

into bats...."

"Turned into bats?"

"You missed it. Boss," Guido supplied. "You were

lookin' behind you when they did it. Wildest thing I ever

saw. One second they was runnin' for their lives, and

the next they're flutterin' up into the dark. Are all the

other dimensions like this?"

"Vampires...."

Actually, my shock wasn't all that great. Realizing

the things Aahz and I had run into cruising the so-called

"known and safe" dimensions, I had expected some-

thing a bit out of the ordinary in this one. If anything, I

was a bit relieved. The second shoe had been dropped

... and it really wasn't all that bad! That is, it could

have been worse. (If hanging around with Aahz had

40

taught me anything, it was that things could always be

worse!) The repetitive nature of my conversational bril-

liance was merely a clever ploy to cover my mental ef-

forts to both digest this new bit of information and

decide what to do with it.

"Vampires are rare in any dimension," my appren-

tice replied, stepping into the void to answer Guide's

question. "What's more, they're pretty much feared

universally. What I can't figure out is why those two

were so scared of Skeeve here."

"Then again," I said thoughtfully, "there's the ques-

tion of whether or not we can safely assume the whole

dimension is populated with beings like the two we just

met. I know it's a long shot, but we might have run into

the only two vampires in the place."

"I dunno. High Roller. They acted pretty much at

home here, and they sure didn't think you'd find any-

thing unusual about their appearance. My guess is that

they're the norm and we're the exceptions around

here."

"Whatever," I said, reaching a decision at last,

"they're the only two examples we have to work with so

far, so that's what we'll base our actions on until proven

different."

"So what do we do against a bunch of vampires?"

As a bodyguard, Guido seemed a bit uneasy about

our assessment of the situation.

"Relax," I smiled. "The first order of business is to

turn on the old reliable disguise spell. Just a few quick

touch-ups and they won't be able to tell us apart from

the natives. We could walk through a town of vampires

and they'd never spot us."

With that, I closed my eyes and went to work. Like I

told the staff, this was going to be easy. Maintain

everyone's normal appearance except for paler skin,

42

MYTH-ING PERSONS 43

Robert Asprin

longer canines, and a little artful reddening of the eyes,

and the job was done.

"Okay," I said, opening my eyes again. "What's

next?"

"I don't like to quote you back at yourself. Hot

Stuff," Massha drawled, "but didn't you say something

about disguises being the first thing before we went any

further?"

"Of course. That's why I just. .. wait a minute. Are

you trying to say we still have the same appearance as

before I cast the spell?"

One of the problems with casting a disguise spell is

that as the caster, I can never see the effects. That is, I

see people as they really are whether the spell is on or

not. I had gotten so used to relying on the effects of this

particular spell that it had never occurred to me that it

might not work.

Massha and Guido were looking at each other with no

small degree of concern.

"ymmm ... maybe you forgot."

"Try again."

"That's right! This time remember to...."

"Hold it, you two," I ordered in my most com-

manding tone. "From your reactions, I perceive that the

answer to my questions is 'yes.' That is, that the spell

didn't work. Now just ease up a second and let me

think. Okay?"

For a change they listened to me and lapsed into a

respectful silence. I might have taken a moment to savor

the triumph if I wasn't so worried about the problem.

The disguise spell was one of the first spells I had

learned, and until now was one of my best and most

reliable tools. If it wasn't working, something was

seriously wrong. Now I knew that stepping through the

door hadn't lessened my knowledge of that particular

spell, so that meant that if something was haywire, it

would have to be in the....

"Hey, Hot Stuff! Check the force lines!"

Apparently my apprentice and I had reached the con-

clusion simultaneously. A quick magical scan of the sky

overhead and the surrounding terrain confirmed my

worst fears. At first I thought there were no force lines

at all. Then I realized that they were there, but so faint

that it took nearly all of my reserve power just to detect

them.

"What's all this about force lines?" Guido de-

manded.

Massha heaved an impatient sigh.

"If you're going to run with this crowd. Dark and

Deadly, you'd best start learning a little about the magic

biz ... or at least the vocabulary. Force lines are invis-

ible streams of energy that flow through the ground and

the air. They're the source of power we tap into when

we do our bibbity-bobbity-boo schtick. That means that

in a land like this one, where the force lines are either

non-existent or very weak...."

". .. you can't do squat," the bodyguard finished for

her. "Hey, Boss! If what she says is true, how come

those two you just met could still do that bat-trick?"

"By being very, very good in the magic department.

To do so much with so little means they don't miss a

trick... pardon the pun ... in tapping and using force

lines. In short, they're a lot better than either Massha or

me at the magic game."

"That makes sense." Massha nodded. "In any di-

mension I've been in that had vampires, they were some

of the strongest magic-slingers around. If this is what

they have to train on, I can see why they run hog-wild

when they hit a dimension where the force lines are both

plentiful and powerful."

44 Robert Asprin

I rubbed my forehead, trying desperately to think and

to forestall the headache I felt coming on. Right on

schedule, things were getting worse!

"I don't suppose you have anything in your jewelry

collection that can handle disguises, do you?"

Despite our predicament, Massha gave a low laugh.

"Think about it. High Roller. If I had anything that

could do disguises, would I walk around looking like

this?"

"So we get to take on a world of hot-shot magic types

with our own cover fire on low ammo," Guido sum-

marized.

"Okay. So it'll be a little tougher than I thought at

first. Just remember my partner has been getting along

pretty well these last few years without any powers at

all."

"Your partner is currently sitting in the hoosegow for

murder," Guido said pointedly. "That's why we're here

in the first place. Remember?"

"Besides," I continued, ignoring his comment (that's

another skill I've learned from Aahz), "it's never been

our intention 'to take on the whole world.' All we want

to do is perform a quick hit and run. Grab Aahz and get

back out with as little contact with the natives as pos-

sible. All this means is that we've got to be a little more

careful. That's all."

"What about running down the trio we started out to

retrieve?"

I thought briefly about the blonde who had warned us

of Aahz's predicament.

"That's part of being more careful," I announced

solemnly. "If ... I mean, when we get Aahz out of jail,

we'll head for home and count ourselves as lucky. So we

... pay off the Deveels. It's a ... cheap price to ... pay

for...."

MYTH-ING PERSONS 45

I realized the staff was looking at me a little askance.

I also realized that my words had been gradually slow-

ing to a painful broken delivery as I reached the part

about paying off the Deveels.

I cleared my throat and tried again.

"Ummm, let's just say we'll reappraise the situation

once we've reached Aahz. Okay?"

The troops still looked a little dubious, so I thought it

would be best if I pushed on to the next subject.

"As to the opposition, let's pool our knowledge of

vampires so we have an idea of what we're up against.

Now, we know they can shapechange into bats or

dogs...."

"... or just into a cloud of mist," Massha supplied.

"They drink blood,'' Guido said grimly.

"They don't like bright light, or crosses...."

"... and they can be killed by a stake through their

heart or...."

"They drink blood."

"Enough with the drinking blood! Okay, Guido?"

I was starting to get more than a little annoyed with

my bodyguard's endless pessimism. I mean, none of us

was particularly pleased by the way things were going,

but there was nothing to be gained by dwelling on the

negatives.

"Sorry, Boss. I guess looking on the dark side of

things gets to be a habit in my business."

"Garlic!" Massha exclaimed suddenly.

"What's that?"

"I said 'garlic'," she repeated. "Vampires don't like

garlic!"

"That's right! How about it, Guido? Do you have

any garlic along?"

The bodyguard actually looked embarrassed.

"Can't stand the stuff," he admitted "The other

46 Robert Asprin

boys in the Mob used to razz me about it, but it makes

me break out in a rash."

Terrific. We probably had the only Mob member in

existence who was allergic to garlic. Another brilliant

idea shot to hell.

"Well," I said, heaving a sigh, "now we know what

we're up against."

"Ummm... say. Hot Stuff?" Massha said softly.

"All kidding aside. Aren't we a little overmatched on

this one? I mean, Dark and Deadly here can hold up his

end on the physical protection side, but I'm not sure my

jewelry collection is going to be enough to cover us mag-

ically."

"I appreciate the vote of confidence," Guido smiled

sadly, "but I'm not sure my hardware is going to do us a

lick of good against vampires. With the Boss out of ac-

tion on the magic side...."

"Don't count me out so fast. My magic may not be at

full power, but I can still pull off a trick or two if things

really get rough."

Massha frowned. "But the force lines...."

"There's one little item I've omitted from your

lessons so far, apprentice," I said with a smug little

grin. "It hasn't really been necessary what with the

energy so plentiful on Deva ... as a matter of fact, I've

kind of gotten out of the habit myself. Anyway, what it

boils down to is that you don't always tap into a force

line to work magic. You can store the energy internally

like a battery so that it's there when you need it. While

we've been talking, I've been charging up, so I can pro-

vide a bit of magical cover as needed. Now, I won't be

able to do anything prolonged like a constant disguise

spell, and what I've got I'll want to use carefully

because it'll take a while to recharge after each use, but

we won't be relying on your jewelry completely."

MYTH-ING PERSONS 47

I had expected a certain amount of excitement from

the staff when they found out I wasn't totally helpless.

Instead, they looked uncomfortable. They exchanged

glances, then looked at the sky, then at the ground.

"Ummm... does this mean we're going on?" Guido

said at last.

"That's right," I said, lips tight. "In fact, I probably

would have gone on even if my powers were completely

gone. Somewhere out there my partner's in trouble, and

I'm not going to back away from at least trying to help

him. I'd do the same if it was one of you, but we're talk-

ing about Aahz here. He's saved my skin more times

than I care to remember. I can't just...."

I caught myself and brought my voice back under

control.

"Look," I said, starting again. "I'll admit we never

expected this vampire thing when we started out, and

the limited magic handicap is enough to give anyone

pause. If either or both of you want to head back, you

can do it without hard feelings or guilt trips. Really. The

only reason I'm pushing on is that I know me. Whatever

is up ahead, it can't be any worse than what I would put

myself through if I left Aahz alone to die without trying

my best to bail him out. But that's me. If you want out,

go ahead."

"Don't get your back up. Hot Stuff," Massha chided

gently. "I'm still not sure how much help I'm going to

be, but I'll tag along. I'd probably have the same prob-

lem if anything happened to you and I wasn't there, that

you'd have if anything happened to Aahz. I am your ap-

prentice, you know."

"Bodyguarding ain't much, but it's all I know,"

Guido said glumly. "I'm supposed to be guardin' that

body of yours, so where it goes, I go. I'm just not wild

about the odds, know what I mean?"

48 Robert Asprin

"Then it's settled," I said firmly. "All right. As I see

it, our next stop is Blut."

"Blut," Massha echoed carefully.

"That's right. I want to look up this Dispatcher

character and see what he has to say. I mean, a town is a

town, and we've all visited strange towns before. What

we really need now is information, and the nearest

source seems to be Blut."

"The Dispatcher," Massha said without enthusi-

asm."

"Blut," Guido repeated with even less joyful an-

ticipation.

It occurred to me that while my assistants were bound

and determined to stay with me on this caper, if I

wanted wholehearted support, I'd better look for it

from the natives... a prospect I didn't put much hope

in at all.

Chapter Six:

"An agent is a vampire with a tele-

phone!"

—ANY EDITOR

REMEMBER how I said that if you've seen one town,

you've seen 'em all? Well, forget it. Even though I've

visited a lot of dimensions and seen a lot of towns, I had

to admit that Blut looked a little strange.

Everything seemed to be done to death in basic black.

(Perhaps "done to death" is an unfortunate turn of a

phrase. Whatever.) Mind you, when I say everything, I

mean everything. Cobblestones, walls, roof tiles, every-

thing had the same uninspired color scheme. Maybe by

itself the black overtones wouldn't have seemed too

ominous, if it weren't for the architectural decorations

that seemed to abound everywhere you looked. Stone

dragons and snakes adorned every roof peak and ledge,

along with the inescapable gargoyles and, of course,

bats. I don't mean "bats" here, I mean "BATS"!!! Big

bats, little bats, bats with their wings half open and

others with their wings spread wide... BATS!!! The

only thing they all seemed to have in common (besides

49

Robert Asprin

50 MYTH-ING PERSONS 51

being black) was mouths full of needle-sharp teeth...

an image which did nothing to further the confidence of

my already nervous party. I myself felt the tension in-

creasing as we strode down the street under the noses of

those fierce adornments. One almost expected the stone

figures to come to life and swoop down on us for a pint

or two of dinner.

"Cheerful sort of place, isn't it?" Massha asked, eye-

ing the rooftops,

"I don't like to complain, Boss," Guido put in, lyings

blatantly, "but I've been in friendlier-looking grave-;

yards." |

"Will you both keep your mouths shut!" I snarled,

speaking as best I could through tightly pressed lips.

"Remember our disguises." J

I had indeed turned on my disguise spell as we entered

town, but in an effort to conserve magical energy, I had

only turned our eyes red. If any of the others on the

street, and there were lots of them, happened to spot

our non-vampirish teeth, the balloon would go up once

and for all. Then again, maybe not. We still hadn't;

figured out why the couple we met on the road had been

so afraid of me, but I wasn't about to bank the success

of our mission on anything as flimsy as a hope that the |

whole town would run at the sight of our undisguised

features.

Fortunately, I didn't have to do any magical tinkering'

with our wardrobe. If anything, we were a little drab

compared to most of the vampires on the street. Though

most of them appeared rather young, barely older than

me, they came in all shapes and sizes, and were decked

out in some of the most colorful and outrageous garb it

has ever been my misfortune to encounter as they;

shouted to each other or wove their way in and out of

taverns along the street.

It was night now, the clouds having cleared enough to

show a star-studded night sky, and true to their billing,

vampires seemed to love the night life.

"If everybody here is vampires," Guido said, ignor-

ing my warning, "how do they find anybody to bite for

blood?"

"As far as I can tell," Massha answered, also choos-

ing to overlook the gag order, "they buy it by the bot-

tle."

She pointed to a small group of vampires sitting on a

low wall merrily passing a bottle of red liquid back and

forth among themselves. Despite our knowledge of the

area, I had subconsciously assumed they were drinking

wine. Confronted by the inescapable logic that the stuff

they were drinking was typed, not aged, my stomach did

a fast roll and dip to the right.

"If you two are through sightseeing," I hissed, "let's

try to find this Dispatcher character before someone in-

vites us to join them for a drink."

With that, I led off my slightly subdued assistants,

nodding and waving at the merrymaking vampires as we

went. Actually, the goings on looked like a lot of fun,

and I might have been tempted to join in, if it weren't

for the urgency of our quest....nd, of course, the fact

that they were vampires.

Following the instructions I had gleaned from the

couple on the road before their panicky flight, we found

the Dispatcher's place with no problem. Leaving Guido

outside as a lookout, Massha and I braved the stairs and

entered the Dispatcher's office.

As strange as Blut had appeared, it hadn't prepared

me for the room we stepped into.

There were hundreds of glass pictures lining the walls,

pictures which depicted moving, living things much like

looking into a rack of fishbowls. What was more, the

52 Robert Asprin

images being displayed were of incredible violence and

unspeakable acts being performed on seemingly helpless

victims. The overall effect was neither relaxing nor

pleasant... definitely not something I'd want on the

wall at home.

I was so entranced by the pictures, I almost missed the

Dispatcher himself until he rose from his desk. Perhaps

"rose" is the wrong description. What he actually did

was hop down to the floor from his chair which was

high to begin with, but made higher by the addition of a

pillow to the seat.

He strode forward, beaming widely, with his hand ex-

tended for a handshake.

"Hi there Vilhelm's the name Your problem is my

problem Don't sit down Standing problems I solve for

free Sitting problems I charge for Reasonable rates Just

a minor percentage off the top What can I do for you?"

That was sort of all one sentence in that he didn't

pause for breath. He did, however, seize my hand,

pump it twice, then repeated the same procedure with

Massha, then grabbed my hand again ... all before he

stopped talking.

All in all, it was a little overpowering. I had a flash

impression of a short, stocky character with plump rosy

cheeks and a bad case of the fidgets. I had deliberately

tried not to speculate on what the Dispatcher would

look like, but a cherub vampire still caught me a little

off-guard.

"I... ummm... how did you know I have a prob-

lem?"

That earned me an extra squeeze of the hand and a

wink.

"Nobody comes in here unless they've got a prob-

lem," he said, finally slowing down his speech a bit. "I

mean, I could always use a bit of help, but does anyone

MYTH-ING PERSONS 5B

leap forward to lend a hand? Fat chance. Seems like the

only time I see another face in the flesh is when it means

more work for me. Prove me wrong... please! Tell me

you came in here to take over for an hour or so to let me

duck out for a bite to drink."

"Well, actually, we've got a problem and we were

told....,"

"See! What did I tell you? All right. What have you

got? A standing or a sitting problem? Standing prob-

lems I handle for...."

He was off again. In a desperate effort to keep our

visit short, I interrupted his pitch.

"We're looking for a friend who...."

"Say no more! A friend! Just a second!"

With that he vaulted back into his chair, grabbed the

top off a strange-looking appliance on his desk, diddled

with it briefly, then started talking into it.

"Yea Darwin? Vilhelm. I need ... sure...."

Leaning back in his chair, he tucked the gadget under

one side of his head and grabbed another.

"This is Vilhelm, Is Kay around? ... Well, put her on

when she's done...."

The second gadget slid in under the same ear as the

first and he reached for yet another.

"I know I shouldn't ask this," I murmured to

Massha, "but what's he doing?"

"Those are telephones," she whispered back as a

fourth instrument came into play. "You talk into one

end of it and whoever's at the other end can hear you

and talk back. It beats running all over town to find an

answer."

By this time, the little vampire had so many instru-

ments hung from his shoulders and arms he looked like

he was being attacked by a nest of snakes. He seemed to

be handling it well, though, talking first into one, then

54 Robert Asprin

another, apparently keeping multiple conversations

going at once like a juggler handles a basket full of

balls.

"Gee, that's kind of neat!" I exclaimed. "Do you

think we could get some of these for our place at the

Bazaar?"

"Believe me, they're more trouble than they're

worth," Massha said. "In nothing flat you find you're

spending all your time on the phone talking to people

and not accomplishing anything. Besides, ever since

they broke up the corporation...."

"I think I've got it!" Vilhelm announced, jumping

down to floor-level again. "I've got one friend for you

definite, but to be honest with you he's only so-so. I've

got call-backs coming on two others, so let's see what

they're like before you commit on the definite. Okay?"

"Ummm ... I think there's some kind of mistake

here," I said desperately, trying to stop the madness

before it progressed any further. "I'm not trying to find

a new friend. I'm trying to locate a friend I already have

who may be here in town.''

He blinked several times as this news sank in. He

started to turn back to his phones in an involuntary mo-

tion, then waved a hand at them in disgusted dismissal.

"Heck with it," he said with a sigh. "If they can

come up with anything, I can always fob 'em off on

someone else for a profit. Now then, let's try this again.

You're looking for someone specific. Are they a townie

or a transient? It would help if you gave me a little

something to go on, you know."

He seemed a little annoyed, and I would have liked to

do or say something to cheer him up. Before I could

think of anything, however, my apprentice decided to

join the conversation.

"This is quite a layout you've got, Fast Worker.

MYTH-ING PERSONS 55

Mind if I ask exactly what it is you do?"

As always, Massha's "people sense" proved to be

better than mine. The little vampire brightened notice-

ably at the compliment, and his chest puffed out as he

launched into his narration.

"Well, the job was originally billed as Dispatcher...

you know, as in Dispatcher of Nightmares. But anyway,

like any job, it turned out to involve a lot of things that

aren't on the job description. Now it's sort of a com-

bination of dispatcher, travel agent, lost and found, and

missing persons bureau."

"Nightmares?" I questioned, unable to contain my-

self.

"Sure. Anything that comes out of Limbo, be it

dreams or the real thing, comes through here. Where're

you from that you didn't know that?"

Obviously, I wasn't wild about continuing on the sub-

ject of our place of origin.

"Ahhh, can you really help us find our friend? He's

new in town, like us."

"That's right. You're looking for someone. Sorry. I

get a little carried away sometimes when I talk about my

work. New in town, hmmm? Shouldn't be that hard to

locate. We don't get that many visitors."

"He might be in jail," Massha blurted out before I

realized what she was going to say.

"In jail?" The vampire frowned. "The only outsider

in jail right now is. ... Say! Now I recognize you! The

eyes threw me for a minute. You're Skeeve, aren't

you?"

"Screen 97B!" he declared proudly, gesturing

vaguely over his shoulder. "There's someone a dozen

dimensions over from here, runs a hot dog stand, who

features you in his most frequent nightmares. You, a

dragon, and a Pervert. Am I correct in assuming that

56 Robert Asprin

the current resident in our fair jail is none other than

your sidekick Aahz?"

"To be correct, that's Pervect, not Pervert... but ex-

cept for that you're right. That's my partner you've got

locked up there, and we aim to get him out."

I was probably talking too much, but being recog-

nized in a dimension I'd never heard of had thrown me

off balance. Then again, the Dispatcher didn't seem all

that hostile at the discovery. More curious than any-

thing else.

"Well, well. Skeeve himself. I never expected to meet

you in person. Sometime you must tell me what you did

to that poor fellow to rate the number-one slot on his hit

parade of nightmares."

"What about Aahz?'' I said impatiently.

"You know he's up for murder, don't you?"

"Heard it. Don't believe it. He's a lot of things, but a

murderer isn't one of them."

"There's a fair amount of evidence." Vilhelm

shrugged. "But tell me. What's with the vampire get-

up. You're no more a vampire than I'm a Klahd."

"It's a long story. Let's just say it seemed to be the

local uniform."

"Let's not," the dispatcher grinned. "Pull up a chair

... free of charge, of course. I've got time and lots of

questions about the other dimensions. Maybe we can

trade a little information while you're here."

Chapter Seven:

"I don't see anything thrilling about it!""

—M. JACKSON

"I really don't see how you can drink that stuff," I de-

clared, eyeing Vilhelm's goblet of blood.

"Funny," he smiled in return, "I was about to say

the same thing. I mean, you know what W. C. Fields

said about water!"

"No. What?"

"Now let me get this straight," Guido interrupted

before I could get any answer. "You're sayin' you vam-

pire guys don't really drink blood from people?"

"Oh, a few do," the Dispatcher said with a shrug.

"But it's an acquired taste, like steak tartare. Some say

it's a gourmet dish, but I could never stand the stuff

myself. I'll stick with the inexpensive domestic varieties

any night."

We were all sprawled around the Dispatcher's office

at this point, sipping our respective drinks and getting

into a pretty good rap session. We had pulled Guido in

off door watch and I had dropped our disguises so my

57

58 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 59

energy reserve wasn't being drained.

The Dispatcher had played with his phones, calling

from one to the other. Then he put them all down and

announced that he had them on "hold," a curious ex-

pression since it was the first time in half an hour he

hadn't been holding one.

Vilhelm himself was turning out to be a priceless

source of information, and, as promised, had a seem-

ingly insatiable curiosity about otherworldly things.

"Then how do you account for all the vampire leg-

ends around the other dimensions," Massha said skepti-

cally.

The Dispatcher made a face.

"First of all, you've got to realize who you're dealing

with. Most of the ones who do extensive touring outside

of Limbo are 'old money' types. We're talking about

the idle rich ... and that usually equates to bored thrill-

seekers. Working stiffs like me can't afford to take that

kind of time away from our jobs. Heck, I can hardly

manage to get my two weeks each year. Anyway, there

are a lot more of us around the dimensions than you

might realize. It's just that the level-headed ones are

content to maintain a low profile and blend with the

natives. They content themselves with the blood of do-

mestic livestock, much the way we do here at home. It's

the others that cause the problems. Like any group of

tourists, there's always a few who feel that just because

they're in another world or city, the rules don't apply

... and that includes common manners and good taste.

They're the ones who stir up trouble by getting the lo-

cals up in arms about 'bloodsucking monsters.' If it

makes you feel any better, you human types have a

pretty bad rep yourselves here in Limbo."

That caught my attention.

"Could you elaborate on that last point, Vilhelm?

What problem could the locals have with us?"

The Dispatcher laughed.

"The same one you humans have with us vampires.

While humans aren't the leading cause of death in vam-

pires any more than vampires are a leading cause of

death in humans, it's certainly one of the more publi-

cized and sensational ways to go."

"Is that why the first locals we met took off like bats

out of hell... if you'll pardon the expression?" Massha

asked.

"You've got it. I think you'll find that the citizens of

Blut will react the same way to you that you would if

you ran into a vampire in your home dimension."

"I don't notice you bein' particularly scared of us,"

Guido said suspiciously.

"One of the few advantages of this job. After a few

years of. monitoring the other dimensions, you get pretty

blase about demons. As far as I can tell, most of 'em are

no worse than some of the folks we've got around

here."

This was all very interesting, but I was getting a little

fidgety about our mission.

"Since you know we aren't all evil or on a permanent

vampire hunt, what can you tell us about the mess Aahz

is in? Can you give us any help there?"

"I dunno," the Dispatcher said, rubbing his jaw

thoughtfully. "Until I found out who he was, I was

ready to believe he was guilty as sin. There's an awful

lot of evidence against him."

"Such as?" I pressed.

"Well, he was caught with a stake and mallet in his

hand, and there are two eyewitnesses who say they saw

him kill one of our citizens and scatter his dust to the

winds."

"Wait a minute. You mean you ain't got no corpus

60

MYTH-ING PERSONS 61

Robert Asprin

delecti?" Guido said, straightening in his chair. "Sorry

to interrupt. Boss, but you're playin* in my alley now.

This is somethin' I know a little about. You can't go on

trial for murder without a corpse, know what I mean?"

"Maybe where you come from," Vilhelm corrected,

"but things get a little different when you're dealing

with vampires. If we had a body, or even just the pile of

dust, we could revive him in no time flat. As it is, the

problem is when there's no body... when a vampire's

been reduced to dust and the dust scattered. That's

when it's impossible to pull 'em back into a functional

mode."

"But if there isn't a body, how do you know the vic-

tim is dead at all? " I asked.

"There's the rub," Vilhelm agreed. "But in this case,

there's a matter of two eyewitnesses."

"Two of 'em, eh?" Massha murmured thoughtfully.

"Would you happen to have descriptions of these two

peepers?"

"Saw 'em myself. They were both off-worlders like

yourselves. One was a young girl, the blonde and inno-

cent type. The other was a pretty sleazy-looking guy. It

was her who sold us on the story, really. I don't think

anyone would have believed him if he said that were-

wolves were furry."

My heart sank. I had wanted very badly to believe the

girl who had warned us of Aahz's danger was somehow

an innocent bystander in the proceedings. Now it looked

as if....

"Do the descriptions sound familiar, Hot Stuff? Still

think Guido and I were being paranoid when we said

this might be a set-up? Sounds like they framed your

partner, then came back after you to complete the set."

I avoided her eyes, staring hard at the wall monitors.

"There might be another explanation, you know."

My apprentice gave out a bark of laughter.

"If there is, I'm dying to hear it. Face it, High Roller,

any way you look at it the situation stinks. If they

cooked up a frame that tight on Green and Scaly on

such short notice, I'm dying to see what kind of a trap

they've got waiting for you now that they've had time to

get ready before inviting you to step in."

It occurred to me that I had never been that mouthy

when I was an apprentice. It also occurred to me that

now I understood why Aahz had gotten so angry on the

rare occasions when I had voiced an opinion ... and the

rarer times when I was right.

"I think I missed a lap in this conversation some-

where." Vilhelm frowned. "I take it you know the wit-

nesses?"

Massha proceeded to bring the Dispatcher up to date,

with Guido growling counterpoint to the theme. For

once I was glad to let them do the talking. It gave me a

chance to collect my scattered thoughts and try to for-

mulate a plan. When they finished, I still had a long way

to go on both counts.

"I must admit, viewed from the light of this new in-

formation, the whole thing does sound a little suspi-

cious," the vampire said thoughtfully.

"A little suspicious!" Massha snorted. "It's phonier

than a smiling Deveel!"

"Tell ya what," Guido began, "just give us a few

minutes alone with these witnesses of yours and we'll

shake the truth out of'em."

"I'm afraid that will be a little difficult," the Dis-

patcher said, eyeing the ceiling. "You see, they haven't

been around for a while. Disappeared right after the

trial."

62 Robert Asprin

"The trial!?" I snapped, abandoning my efforts to

collect my wits. "You mean the trial's already been

held?"

The vampire nodded.

"That's right. Needless to say, your friend was found

guilty."

"Why do I get the feeling he didn't get a suspended

sentence for a first offense?" Guido growled under his

breath.

"As a matter of fact, he's been slated for execution at

the end of the week," Vilhelm admitted.

That got me out of my seat and pacing.

"We've got to do something," I said needlessly.

"How about it, Vilhelm? Can you help us out at all?

Any chance of getting the verdict reversed or at least a

stay of execution?"

"I'm afraid not. Character witnesses alone wouldn't

change anything, and as for new evidence, it would only

be your word against the existing witnesses... and

you've already admitted the defendant is a friend of

yours. Mind you, / believe you, but there are those who

would suspect you'd say anything or fabricate any kind

of tale tosave your partner."

"But can you personally give us a hand?"

"No, I can't," the vampire said, turning away. "You

all seem like real nice folks, and your friend is probably

the salt of the earth, but I have to live here and deal with

these people for a long time. If I sided with outsiders

against the town legal system, my whole career would

go down the drain whether I was right or not. It's not

pretty and I don't like it, but that's the way things are."

"We could fix it so you like it a lot less!" Guido said

darkly, reaching into his coat.

"Stop it, Guido," I ordered. "Let's not forget the

help Vilhelm's already given us. It's a lot more than we

MYTH-ING PERSONS 63

expected to get when we first came into this dimension,

so don't go making enemies out of the only friend we*ve

got locally. Okay?"

The bodyguard sank back into his chair, muttering

something I was just as glad I didn't hear, but his hand

came out of his coat empty and stayed in sight.

"So what do we do now. Hot Stuff?" Massha sighed.

"The only thing I can think of is to try to locate those

witnesses before the execution date," I said. "What I

can't figure is how to go about looking without getting

half the town down on our necks."

"What we really need is a bloodhound," Guido

grumbled.

"Say, that's not a bad idea!" Vilhelm exclaimed,

coming to life. "Maybe I can help you after all!"

"You got a bloodhound?" the bodyguard said, rais-

ing his eyebrows.

"Even better," the vampire declared. "I don't know

why I didn't think of it before. The ones you need to get

in touch with are the Woof Writers."

I studied him-carefully to see if this were some kind of

joke.

"The Woof Writers?" I repeated at last.

"Well, that's what we in Blut call them behind their

backs. Actually, they're a husband-wife team of were-

wolves who are on a big crusade to raise sympathy for

humans."

"Werewolves," I said carefully.

"Sure. We got all kinds here in Limbo. Anyway, if

anyone in this dimension will be willing to stick their

necks out for you, they're the ones. They do their own

thing and don't really give a hang what any of the other

locals think about it. Besides, werewolves are second to

none when it comes to sniffing out a trail."

"Werewolves."

64 Robert Asprin

Vilhelmcocked his head at me curiously.

"Am I imagining things, Skeeve, or didn't you just

say that?"

"What's more," Massha smiled sweetly, "he'll prob-

ably say it again. It bears repeating."

"Werewolves," I said again, just to support my ap-

prentice.

"Boss," Guido began, "I don't want to say this, but

nobody said anything about werewolves when we...."

"Good," I interrupted brusquely. "You don't want

to say it, and I don't want to hear it. Now that we're in

agreement, let's just pass on it and...."

"But Boss! We can't team up with werewolves."

"Guido, we just went over this. We're in a tight spot

and in a strange dimension. We can't afford to be

choosy about our allies."

"You don't understand. Boss. I'm allergic to 'em!"

I sank down into a chair and hid my face in my hands.

"I thought you were allergic to garlic," I said through

my fingers.

"That. too," the bodyguard said. "But mostly I'm

allergic to furry things like kitties or fur coats or...."

"... or werewolves," Massha finished for him.

"Frankly, Dark and Deadly, one starts to wonder how

you've been able to function effectively all these years."

"Hey, it doesn't come up all that often, know what I

mean?" Guido argued defensively. "How many times

have .you been attacked by somethin' furry?"

"Not as often as I'd like!" Massha leered.

"Enough, you two," I ordered, raising my head.

"Guido, have you ever actually been near a werewolf?"

"Well, no. But...."

"Then until we know for sure, we'll assume you're

not allergic to them. Okay? Vilhelm, exactly where do

we find these Woof Writers of yours?"

Chapter Eight:

"First, let's decide who's leading and

who's following."

—F. ASTAIRE

"BOSS, just where the hell is Pahkipsee?"

I found myself wondering if all bodyguards spent

most of their time complaining, or if I had just gotten

lucky.

"Look, Guido. You were there and heard the same

instructions I did. If Vilhelm was right, it should be just

up the road here a couple more miles."

"... 'a rather dead bedroom community, fit only for

those not up to the fast-lane life-style of the big city,' "

Massha quoted in a close imitation of the vampire's

voice.

Guido snickered rudely.

"Why do I get the feeling you didn't particularly

warm to Vilhelm, Massha?" I suppressed a grin of my

own.

"Maybe it's because he's the only guy we've met she

hasn't made a pass at?" Guido suggested.

Massha favored him with an extended tongue and

65

66 Robert Asprin

crossed eyes before answering.

"Oh, Vilhelm's okay," she said. "Kinda cute, too

... at least the top of his head was. And he did admit

that in general vampires were more partial to cities and

parties while werewolves preferred the back-to-nature

atmosphere of rural living. I just didn't like the crack,

that's all. I grew up on a farm, you know. Country

breakfasts have a lot to do with my current panoramic

physique. Besides, something inside says you shouldn't

trust a smiling vampire. ... or at least you shouldn't

trust him too far."

I had been about to mention the fact that I had grown

up on a farm, too, but withheld the information. Obvi-

ously, farm food hadn't particularly affected my phy-

sique, and I didn't want to rob my apprentice of her

excuse.

"If he had wanted to do us harm, all he would have

had to do was blow the whistle on us while we were still

in town," I pointed out. "Let's just take things at face

value and assume he was really being as nice as he

seemed ... for all our peace of minds."

I wished I was as confident as I sounded. We were a

long way out in the boondocks, and if Vilhelm had

wanted to send us off on a wild goose chase, he couldn't

have picked a better direction to start us off in.

"Yeah, well I'd feel a lot better if we weren't being

followed," Guido grumbled.

I stopped in my tracks. So did Massha ... in her

tracks, that is. The bodyguard managed to stumble into

us before bringing his own forward progress to a halt.

"What is it, Boss? Something wrong?"

"For a minute there, I thought I heard you say that

we were being followed."

"Yeah. Since we left the Dispatcher's. Why does. ..

you mean you didn't know?"

MYTH-ING PERSONS 67

I resisted an impulse to throttle him.

"No, Guido. I didn't know. You see, my bodyguard

didn't tell me. He was too busy complaining about the

road conditions to have time to mention anything as

trivial as someone following us."

Guido took a few shaky steps backward.

"Hey! C'mon, Boss. Don't be like that. I thought

you knew! Honest. Whoever's back there isn't doin'

such a hot job of hiding the fact that they're dogging

our trail. Any idiot could've spotted ... I mean...."

"Keep going, Dark and Deadly," Massha urged.

"You're digging yourself in further with every word, in

case you hadn't noticed."

With great effort I brought myself back under con-

trol.

"Whatever," I said. "I don't suppose you have any

idea who it is?"

"Naw. There's only one of 'em. Unless...."

His voice trailed off into silence and he looked sud-

denly worried.

"Out with it, Guido. Unless what?"

"Well, sometimes when you're getting really tricky

about tailing someone, you put one real clumsy punk

out front so's they can be spotted while you keep your

real ace-hitter hidden. I hadn't stopped to think of that

before. This turkey behind us could be a decoy, know

what I mean?"

"I thought you used decoys for ducks, not turkeys,"

Massha scowled.

"Well, if that's what's happening, then we're sitting

ducks, if it makes you feel any better."

"Could both of you just be quiet for a few minutes

and let me think?" I said, suddenly impatient with their

banter.

"Well, maybe it isn't so bad," Guido said in a doubt-

68

MYTH-ING PERSONS 69

Robert Asprin

ful voice. "I'm pretty sure I would have spotted the

back-up team if there was one."

"Oh sure," Massha sneered. "Coming out of a town

full of vampires that can change themselves into mist

whenever they want. Of course you'd spot them."

"Hey. The Boss here can chew on me if he wants, but

I don't have to take that from you. You didn't even spot

the turkey, remember?"

"The only turkey I can see is... ."

"Enough!" I ordered, having arrived at a decision

despite their lack of cooperation. "We have to find out

for sure who's behind us and what they want. This is as

good a place as any, so I suggest we all retire into the

bushes and wait for our shadow to catch up with us. ...

No, Massha. I'll be over here with Guido. You take the

other side of the road."

That portion of my plan had less to do with military

strategy than with an effort on my part to preserve what

little was left of my nerves. I figured the only way to

shut the two of them up was to separate them.

"I'm sorry, Boss," Guido whispered as we crouched

side by side in the brush. "I keep forgettin' that you

aren't as into crime as the boys I usually run with."

Well, I had been half right. Massha on the other side

of the road was being quiet, but as long as he had some-

one to talk to, Guido was going to keep on expressing

his thoughts and opinions. I was starting to understand

why Don Bruce insisted on doing all the talking when

the bodyguards were around. Encouraging employees to

speak up as equals definitely had its drawbacks.

"Will you keep your voice down?" I tried once more.

"This is supposed to be an ambush."

"Don't worry about that. Boss. It'll be a while be-

fore they catch up, and when they do, I'll hear 'em be-

fore. ..."

"Isthatyou.Skeeve?"

The voice came from the darkness just up the road.

I gave Guido my darkest glare, and he rewarded it

with an apologetic shrug that didn't look particularly

sincere to me.

Then it dawned on me where I had heard that voice

before.

"Right here," I said, rising from my crouch and step-

ping onto the road. "We've been waiting for you. I

think it's about time we had a little chat."

Aside from covering my embarrassment over having

been discovered, that had to be my best understatement

in quite a while. The last time I had seen this particular

person, she was warning me about Aahz's imprison-

ment.

"Good." She stepped forward to meet me. "That's

why I've been following you. I was hoping we

could...."

Her words stopped abruptly as Guido and Massha

rose from the bushes and moved to join us.

"Well, look who's here," Massha said, flashing one

of her less pleasant smiles.

"If it isn't the little bird who sang to the vampires,"

Guido leered, matching my apprentice's threatening

tone.

The girl favored them with a withering glance, then

faced me again.

"I was hoping we could talk alone. I've got a lot to

say and not much time to say it. It would go faster if we

weren't interrupted."

"Not a chance, Sweetheart," Guido snarled. "I'm

not goin' to let the Boss out of my sight with you

around."

"... besides which, I've got a few things to tell you

myself," Massha added, "like what I think of folks who

70

Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 71

think frames look better on people than on paintings."

The girl's eyes never left mine. For all her bravado, I

thought I could detect in their depths an appeal for help.

"Please," she said softly.

I fought a brief skirmish in my mind, and, as usual,

common sense lost.

"All right."

"WHAT! C'mon, Boss. You can't let her get you

alone! If her pals are around...."

"Hot Stuff, if I have to sit on you. you aren't going

to...."

"Look!" I said, wrenching my eyes away from the

girl to confront my mutinous staff. "We'll only go a

few steps down the road there, in plain sight. If any-

thing happens you'll be able to pitch in before it gets

serious."

"But...."

"... and you certainly can't think she's going to

jump me. I mean, it's a cinch she isn't carrying any con-

cealed weapons."

That was a fact. She had changed outfits since the last

time I saw her, probably to fit in more with the exotic

garb favored by the party-loving vampires. She was

wearing what I've heard referred to as a "tank top"

which left her midsection and navel delightfully ex-

posed, and the open-sided skirt (if you can call two flaps

of cloth that) showed her legs up past her hips. If she

had a weapon with her, she had swallowed it. Either

that, or....

I dragged my thoughts back to the argument.

"The fact of the matter is that she isn't going to talk

in front of a crowd. Now, am I going to get a chance to

hear another viewpoint about what's going on, or are

we going to keep groping around for information with

Aahz's life hanging in the balance?"

My staff fell silent and exchanged glances, each wait-

ing for the other to risk the next blast.

"Well, okay," Massha agreed at last. "But watch

yourself, Hot Stuff. Remember, poison can come in

pretty bottles."

So, under the ever-watchful glares of my assistants, I

retired a few steps down the road for my first words

alone with....

"Say, what is your name, anyway?"

"Hmmm? Oh. I'm Luanna. Say, thanks for backing

me up. That's a pretty mean-looking crew you hang

around with. I had heard you had a following, but I

hadn't realized how nasty they were."

"Oh, they're okay once you get to know them. If you

worked with them on a day-to-day basis, you'd find out

that they... heck, none of us are really as dangerous or

effective as the publicity hype cuts us out to be."

I was suddenly aware of her eyes on me. Her expres-

sion was strange ... sort of a bitter half-smile.

"I've always heard that really powerful people tended

to understate what they can do, that they don't have to

brag. I never really believed it until now."

I really didn't know what to say to that. I mean, my

reputation had gotten big enough that I was starting to

get used to being recognized and talked about at the

Bazaar, but what she was displaying was neither fear

nor envy. Among my own set of friends, admiration or

praise was always carefully hidden within our own

brand of rough humor or teasing. Faced with the undi-

luted form of the same thing, I was at a loss as to how to

respond.

"Ummm, what was it you wanted to talk to me

about?"

Her expression fell and she dropped her eyes.

"This is so embarrassing. Please be patient with me,

72 Robert Asprin

MYTH-ING PERSONS

73

Skeeve ... is it all right if I call you Skeeve? I haven't

had much experience with saying 'I'm sorry'... heck, I

haven't had much experience with people at all. Just

partners and pigeons. Now that I'm here, I really don't

know what to say."

"Why don't we start at the beginning?" I wanted to

ease her discomfort. "Did you really swindle the

Deveels back at the Bazaar?"

Luanna nodded slowly without raising her eyes.

"That's what we do. Matt and me. That and running,

even though I think sometimes we're better at running

than working scams. Maybe if we were better at conning

people, we wouldn't get so much practice at running."

Her words thudded at me like a padded hammer. I

had wanted very badly to hear that she was innocent and

that it had all been a mistake. I mean, she was so pretty,

so sweet, I would have bet my life that she was innocent,

yet here she was openly admitting her guilt to me.

"But why?" I managed at last. "I mean, how did you

get involved in swindling people to begin with?"

Her soft shoulders rose and fell in a helpless shrug.

"I don't know. It seemed like a good idea when Matt

first explained it to me. I was dying to get away from the

farm, but I didn't know how to do anything but farm-

work for a living... until Matt explained to me how

easy it was to get money away from people by playing

on their greed. 'Promise them something for nothing,'

he said, 'or for so little that they think they're swindling

you.' When he put it that way, it didn't seem so bad. It

was more a matter of being smart enough to trick people

who thought they were taking advantage of you."

"... by selling them magical items that weren't." I

finished for her. "Tell me, why didn't you just go into

the magic trade for real?"

Her head came up, and I caught a quick flash of fire

in her sad blue eyes.

"We didn't know any magic, so we had to fake it.

You probably can't understand that, since you're the

real McCoy. I knew that the first time I saw you at Pos-

sletum. We were going to try to fake our way into the

Court Magician spot until you showed up and flashed a

bit of real magic at the crown. Even Matt had to admit

that we were outclassed, and we kind of faded back be-

fore anyone asked us to show what we could do. I think

it was then that I...."

She broke off, giving me a startled, guilty look as if

she had been about to say something she shouldn't.

"Go on," I urged, my curiosity piqued.

"It's nothing, really," she said hastily. "Now it's

your turn. Since I've told you my story, maybe you

won't mind me asking how you got started as a magi-

cian."

That set me back a bit. Like her, I had been raised on

a farm. I had run away, though, planning to seek my

fortune as a master thief, and it was only my chance

meeting with my old teacher Garkin and eventually

Aahz that had diverted my career goals toward magic.

In hindsight, my motives were not discernibly better

than hers, but I didn't want to admit it just now. I kind

of liked the way she looked at me while laboring under

the illusion that I was someone noble and special.

"That's too long a tale to go into just now," I said

brusquely. "There are still a few more answers I'd like

from you. How come you used our place as a getaway

route f rom Deva?"

"Oh, that was Vic's idea. We teamed up with him just

before we started working our con at the Bazaar. When

it looked like the scam was starting to turn sour, he said

74 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 75

he knew a way-off dimension that no one would be

watching. Matt and I didn't even know it was your place

until your doorman asked if we were there to see you.

Matt was so scared about having to tangle with you that

he wanted to forget the whole thing and find another

way out, but Vic showed us the door and it looked so

easy we just went along with him."

"Of course, it never occurred to you that we'd get

stuck with the job of trying to bring you back."

"You better believe it occurred to us. I mean, we

didn't think you'd have to do it. We expected you'd be

mad at us for getting you involved and come after us

yourself. Vic kept saying that we shouldn't worry, that

if you found us here in Limbo he could fix it so you

wouldn't be able to take us back. I didn't know he was

thinking about setting up a frame until he sprang it on

your partner."

I tried to let this console me, but it didn't work.

"I notice that once you found out that Aahz was

being framed, you still went along with it."

"Well... I didn't want to, but Vic kept saying that if

you two were as good as everyone said, that your

partner could get out of jail by himself. We figured that

he'd escape before the execution, but with the whole

dimension hunting him as a fugitive that he'd be too

busy running for home to bother about catching us."

I was starting to get real anxious to meet this guy Vic.

It also occurred to me that of all the potential problems

our growing reputation could bring down on us, this

was one we had never expected.

"And you believed him?"

Luanna made a face, then shrugged.

"Well... you're supposed to be able to do some

pretty incredible things, and I don't want you to think I

don't believe in your abilities, but I was worried enough

that I sneaked back to let you know what was going on

.. .just in case."

It was almost funny that she was apologizing for giv-

ing us the warning. Almost, but not quite. My mind

kept running over what might have happened if she had

believed in me completely.

"I guess my only other question is who is this citizen

that Aahz is supposed to have killed?"

"Didn't anybody tell you?" she blinked. "It's Vic.

He's from this dimension... you know, a vampire.

Anyway, he's hiding out until the whole thing's resolved

one way or another. I don't think even Matt knows

where he is. Vampires are normally suspicious, and

after I sneaked out the first time, he's even gotten cagey

around us. He just drops in from time to time to see

how we're doing."

Now I knew I wanted to meet friend Vic. If I was

lucky, I'd meet him before Aahz did.

"Well, I do appreciate you filling me in on the prob-

lem. Now, if you'll just come back to Blut with us and

explain things to the authorities, my gratitude will be

complete."

Luanna started as if I had stuck her with a pin.

"Hold on a minute! Who said anything about going

to the authorities? I can't do that! That would be dou-

blecrossing my partners. I don't want to see you or your

friends get hurt, but I can't sacrifice my own to save

them."

An honest crook is both incongruous and infuriating.

Aahz had often pointed this out to me when some point

in my ethic kept me from going along with one of his

schemes, and now I was starting to understand what he

was talking about.

"But then why are you here?"

"I wanted to warn you. Vic has been thinking that

76 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 77

you might come into Limbo after your partner, and he's

setting up some kind of trap if you did. If he was right,

I thought you should know that you're walking into

trouble. I figured that if you came, you'd look up the

Dispatcher, so I waited there and followed you when

you showed up. I just wanted to warn you is all. That

and...."

She dropped her eyes again and lowered her voice

until I could hardly hear her.

"... I wanted to see you again. I know it's silly,

but...."

As flattering as it was, this time I was unimpressed.

"Yeah, sure." I interrupted. "You're so interested in

me you're willing to let my partner sit on a murder rap

just so you can watch me go through my paces."

"I already explained about that," she said fiercely,

stepping forward to lay a hand on my arm.

I stared at it pointedly until she removed it.

"Well," she said in a small voice. "I can see that

there's nothing more I can say. But, Skeeve? Promise

me that you won't follow me when I leave? You or your

friends? I took a big risk finding you. Please don't make

me regret it."

I stared at her for a long moment, then looked away

and nodded.

"I know you're disappointed in me, Skeeve," came

her voice, "but I can't go against my partners. Haven't

"you ever had to do something you didn't want to do to

support your partner?"

That hit home ... painfully.

"Yes, I have," I said, drawing a ragged breath. "I'm

sorry, Luanna. I'm just Worried about Aahz, that's all.

Tell you what. Just to show there're no hard feelings,

can I have a token or something? Something to remem-

ber you by until I see you again?"

She hesitated, then pulled a gossamer-thin scarf from

somewhere inside her outfit. Stepping close, she tucked

it into my tunic, then rose on her tiptoes and kissed me

softly.

"It's nice of you to ask," she said. "Even if I don't

mean anything to you at all, it's nice of you to ask."

With that, she turned and sprinted off down the road

into the darkness.

I stared after her.

"You're letting her go!?"

Suddenly Massha was at my side, flanked by Guido.

"C'mon, Boss. We gotta catch her. She's your

partner's ticket off death row. Where's she goin'?"

"To meet up with her partners in crime," I said.

"Including a surprisingly lively guy named Vic ...

surprising since he's the one that Aahz is supposed to

have killed."

"So we can catch 'em all together. Nice work, Hot

Stuff. Okay, let's follow her and...."

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Because I promised her."

There was a deathly silence as my assistants digested

this information.

"So she walks and Green and Scaly dies, is that it?"

"You're sellin' out your partner for a skirt? That

musta been some kiss."

I slowly turned to face them, and, mad as they were,

they fell silent.

"Now listen close," I said quietly, "because I'm not

going to go over it again. If we tried to follow her back

to their hideout, and she spotted us, she'd lead us on a

wild goose chase and we'd never catch up with them ...

and we need that so-called corpse. I don't think her

testimony alone will swing the verdict."

Robert Asprin

78

"But Boss, if we let her get away...."

"We'll find them," I said. "Without us dogging her

footsteps, she'll head right back to her partners."

"But how will we...."

In answer, I pulled Luanna's scarf from my tunic.

"Fortunately, she was kind enough to provide us with

a means to track her, once we recruit the necessary were-

wolf."

Guido gave my back a slap that almost staggered me.

"Way to go, Boss," he crowed. "You really had me

goin' for a minute. I thought that chickie had really

snowed you."

I looked up to find Massha eyeing me suspiciously.

"That was quite a kiss. Hot Stuff," she said. "If I

didn't know better, I'd think that young lady is more

than a little stuck on you... and you just took

advantage of it."

I averted my eyes, and found myself staring down the

road again.

"As a wise woman once told me," I said, "sometimes

you have to do things you don't like to support your

partner. ... Now, let's go find these Woof Writers."

Chapter Nine:

"My colleagues and I feel that independ-

ents like ElfQuest are nothing but sheep in

wolves' clothing!"

-S.LEE

THE Woof Writers turned out to be much more pleas-

ant than I had dared hope, which was fortunate as my

werewolf disguises were some of the shakiest I'd ever

done. Guido was indeed allergic to werewolves as feared

(he started sneezing a hundred yards from their house)

and was waiting outside, but even trying to maintain

two disguises was proving to be a strain on my powers in

this magic-poor dimension. I attempted to lessen the

drain by keeping the changes minimal, but only suc-

ceeded in making them incredibly unconvincing even

though my assistants assured me they were fine. No

matter what anyone tells you, believe, me, pointy ears

alone do not wolf make.

You might wonder why I bothered with diguises at

all? Well, frankly, we were getting a little nervous.

Everyone we had talked to or been referred to in this

dimension was so nice\ We kept waiting for the other

shoe to drop. All of our talks and discussions of pos-

80 Robert Asprin

sible traps had made us so skittish that we were now

convinced that there was going to be a double-cross

somewhere along the way. The only question in our

minds was when and by whom.

With that in mind, we decided it would be best to try

to pass ourselves off as werewolves until we knew for

sure the Woof Writers were as well-disposed toward

humans as Vilhelm said they were. The theory was that

if they weren't, the disguises might give us a chance to

get out again before our true nature was exposed. The

only difficulty with that plan was that I had never seen a

werewolf in my life, so not only was I working with a

shortage-of energy, I was unsure as to what the final

result should look like. As it turned out, despite their

knowledgeable advice, my staff didn't know either.

While we're answering questions from the audience,

you might ask, if neither I nor my assistants knew what

a werewolf looked like, how I knew the disguises were

inadequate? Simple. I deduced the fact after one look at

real werewolves. That and the Woof Writers told me so.

Didn't I tell you they were great folks? Of course, they

let us sweat for a while before admitting that they knew

we were poorly disguised humans all along, but I myself

tend to credit that to their dubious sense of humor. It's

Massha who insists it was blatant sadism. Of course, she

was the one who had to eat a bone before they acknowl-

edged the joke.

Anyway, I was talking about the Woof Writers. It

was interesting in that I had never had much opportu-

nity to watch a husband-wife team in action before (my

parents don't count). The closest thing to the phenom-

enon I had witnessed was the brother-sister team of

Tananda and Chumley, but they spent most of their

conversational time trying to "one-down" each other.

MYTH-ING PERSONS 81

The Woof Writers, in contrast, seemed to take turns

playing "crazy partner-sane partner." They never asked

my opinion, but I felt that she was much better at play-

ing the crazy than he. He was so good at playing the

straight that when he did slip into crazy mode. it always

came as a surprise.

"Really, dear," Idnew was saying to Massha,

"wouldn't you like to slip out of that ridiculous disguise

into something more comfortable? A werewolf with

only two breasts looks so silly."

"Idnew," her husband said sternly, "you're making

our guests uncomfortable. Not everyone feels as easy

about discussing their bodies as you do."

"It's the artist in me," she returned, "And besides,

Drahcir, who was it that set her up to eat a bone?—and

an old one at that. If you were a little more conscien-

tious when you did the shopping instead of stocking up

on junk food...."

"Oh, don't worry about me. Hairy and Handsome,"

Massha interceded smoothly, dropping into her vamp

role. "I've got no problems discussing my body, as long

as we get equal time to talk about yours. I've always

liked my men with a lot of facial hair, if you get my

drift."

I noticed Idnew's ears flatten for a moment before

returning to their normal upright position. While it may

have been nothing more than a nervous twitch, it oc-

curred to me that if we were going to solicit help from

these two, it might not be wise to fan any embers of

jealousy that might be lying about.

"Tell me," I said hastily, eager to get the subject

away from Massha's obvious admiration of Drahcir,

"What got you started campaigning for better relation-

ships between humans and werewolves?"

82 Robert Asprin

"Well, there were many factors involved," Drahcir

explained, dropping into the lecturer mode I had grown

to know so well in such a short time. "I think the most

important thing to keep in mind is that the bad reputa-

tion humans have is vastly overrated. There is actually

very little documented evidence to support the legends

of human misconduct. For the most part, werewolves

tend to forget that, under the proper conditions, we turn

into humans. Most of them are afraid or embarrassed

and hide themselves away until it passes, but Idnew and

I don't. If anything we generally seize the opportunity

to go out and about and get the public used to seeing

harmless humans in their midst. Just between us,

though, I think Idnew here likes to do it because it

scares the hell out of folks to be suddenly confronted by

a human when they aren't expecting it. In case you

haven't noticed, there's a strong exhibitionist streak in

my wife. For myself, it's simply a worthy cause that's

been neglected for far too long."

"The other factor, which my husband has neglected

to mention," Idnew put in impishly, "is that there's a

lot of money in it."

"There is? "I asked.

My work with Aahz had trained me to spot profit op-

portunities where others saw none, but this time the

specific angle had eluded me.

"There... umm ... are certain revenues to be

gleaned from our campaign," Drahcir said uneasily,

shooting a dark glance at his wife. "T-shirts, bumper

stickers, lead miniatures, fan club dues, greeting cards,

and calendars, just to name a few. It's a dirty job, but

somebody's got to do it. Lest my wife leave you with the

wrong impression of me, however, let me point out that

I'm supporting this particular cause because I really

believe in it. There are lots of ways to make money."

MYTH-ING PERSONS 83

"... and he knows them all, don't you dear?" Idnew

said with a smile.

"Really?" I interrupted eagerly. "Would you mind

running over a few? Could I take notes?"

"Before you get carried away, High Roller," Massha

warned, "remember why we came here originally."

"Oh! Right! Thanks, Massha. For a minute there I

... Right!"

It took me a few seconds to rechannel my thoughts.

While Aahz's training has gotten me out of a lot of tight

spots and generally improved my standard of living,

there are some unfortunate side effects.

Once I got my mind back on the right track, I quickly

filled the werewolves in on our current problem. I kept

the details sketchy, both because I was getting tired of

going back and forth over the same beginning, and to

keep from having to elaborate on Luanna's part in caus-

ing our dilemma. Still, the Woof Writers seemed quite

enthralled by the tale, and listened attentively until I was

done.

"Gee, you're really in a spot," Idnew said when I

finally ground to a halt. "If there's anything we can do

to help...."

"We can't," Drahcir told us firmly. "You're behind

on your deadlines, Idnew, and I've got three more ap-

pearances this month... not to mention answering the

mail that's piled up the last two weekends I've been

gone."

"Drahcir...." Idnew said, drawing out his name.

"Don't look at me like that, dear," her husband

argued before she had even started her case, "and don't

cock your head, either. Someone's liable to shove a

gramophone under it. Remember, you're the one who

keeps pointing out that we have to put more time into

our work."

84

Robert Asprin

"I was talking about cutting back on your personal

appearances," Idnew argued. "Besides, this is impor-

tant."

"So's meeting our deadlines. I'm as sympathetic to

their problem as you are, but we can't let the plight of

one small group of humans interfere with our work on

the big picture."

"But you're the one who insists that deadlines aren't

as important as...."

She broke off suddenly and semaphored her ears

toward her husband.

"Wait a minute. Any time you start talking about

'big pictures' and 'grand crusades'... is our bank ac-

count low again?"

Drahcir averted his eyes and shifted his feet uncom-

fortably.

"Well, I was going to tell you, but I was afraid it

might distract you while you were trying to work. ..."

"All right. Let's have it," his wife growled, her

hackles rising slightly. "What is it you've invested our

money in this time?''

I was suddenly very uncomfortable. Our little discus-

sion seemed to be dissolving into a family fight I felt I

had no business being present for. Apparently Massha

felt the same thing.

"Well, if you can't help us, that's that," she said, get-

ting to her feet. "No problem. A favor's not a favor if

you have to be argued into it. C'mon, Hot Stuff. We're

wasting our time and theirs."

Though in part I agreed with her, desperation

prompted me to make one last try.

"Not so fast, Massha. Drahcir is right. Time's

money. Maybe we could work out some kind of a fee to

compensate them for their time in helping us. Then it's

not a favor, it's a business deal. Face it, we really need

MYTH-ING PERSONS 85

their help in this. The odds of us finding this Vic char-

acter on our own are pretty slim."

Aahz would have fainted dead away if he had heard

me admitting how much we needed help before the fee

was set, but that reaction was nothing compared to how

the Woof Writers took my offer.

"What did you say?" Drahcir demanded, rising to all

fours with his ears back.

"I said that maybe you'd help us if we offered to pay

you," I repeated, backing away slightly. "I didn't mean

to insult you...."

"You can't insult Drahcir with money," his wife

snapped. "He meant what did you say about Vic?"

"Didn't I mention him before?" I frowned. "He's

the vampire that Aahz is supposed to have...."

There was a sudden loud flapping sound in the rafters

above our heads, like someone noisily shaking a news-

paper to scare a cat off a table. It worked . .. not on the

cat (I don't think the werewolves owned one) but on

Massha and me. My apprentice hit the floor, covering

her head with her hands, while I, more used to sudden

danger and being more svelte and agile, dove beneath

the coffee table.

By the time we recovered from our panicky ... excuse

me, our shrewd defensive maneuvers, there was nothing

to see except the vague shape of someone with huge

wings disappearing out the front door.

"This one's all yours, dear," Drahcir said firmly, his

posture erect and unmoved despite the sudden activity.

"Come on, honey," his wife pleaded. "You're so

much better at explaining things. You're supposed to

help me out when it comes to talking to people."

"It's a skill I polished at those personal appearances

you're so critical of," he retorted stiffly.

"Would somebody tell me what's going on?" I said

86 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 87

in tones much louder than I usually use when I'm a

guest in someone's home.

Before I could get an answer, the door burst open

again utterly destroying what little was left of my nerv-

ous system.

"Hey, Boss! Did you s—se—Wha—wa...."

"Outside, Guido!" I ordered, glad to have someone I

could shout at without feeling guilty. "Blow your nose

... and I'm fine, thanks! Nice of you to ask!"

By the time my bodyguard had staggered back out-

side, his face half buried in a handkerchief, I had man-

aged to regain most of my composure.

"Sorry for the interruption," I said as nonchalantly

as I could, "but my colleague does raise an interesting !

question .What was that?''

"Scary?" Massha suggested.

Apparently she had recovered her composure a little

better than I had. I closed my eyes and reflected again

on the relative value of cheeky apprentices.

"That," Drahcir said loftily, barely in time to keep

me from my assistant's throat, "was Vic... one of my

wife's weird artist friends who dropped in unannounced

for a prolonged stay and, unless I miss my guess, the

criminal you're looking for who framed your partner."

"He wasn't really a friend of mine," Idnew put in in

a small voice. "Just a friend of a friend, really. Weird

artist types tend to stick together and pass around the

locations of crash spaces. He was just another charity

case down on his luck who...."

"... who is currently winging his way back to his ac-

complice with the news that we're on their trail," I

finished with a grimace.

"Isn't that 'accomplices' as in plural?" Massha asked

softly.

I ignored her.

"Oh, Drahcir," Idnew said, "now we have to help

them. It's the only way we can make up for having pro-

vided a hideout for the very person they were trying to

find."

"If I might point out," her husband replied, "we've

barely met these people. We don't really owe them an

explanation, much less any help. Besides, you still have

a deadline to meet and...."

"Drahcir!" Idnew interrupted. "It could get real

lonely sleeping in the old kennel while I work day and

night on a deadline, if you catch my meaning."

"Now, dear," Drahcir said, sidling up to his wife,

"before you go getting into a snit, hear me out. I've

been thinking it over and I think there's a way we can

provide assistance without biting into our own sched-

ules. I mean, we do have a friend... one who lives a

little north of here... who's temporarily between as-

signments and could use the work. I'm sure he'd be will-

ing to do a little tracking for them at a fraction of the

fee that we'd charge for the same service."

He was obviously talking in the veiled references part-

ners use to communicate or check ideas in front of

strangers, as his words went completely over my head,

but drew an immediate reaction from Idnew.

"Oh, Drahcir!" she exclaimed excitedly, all trace of

her earlier anger gone. "That's perfect! And he'll just

love Massha."

"There's still the question of whether or not we can

get him here in time," her husband cautioned. "And of

course I'll want a percentage off the top as a finder's

fee...."

"WHAT! "I exclaimed.

"I agree," Idnew said firmly. "A finder's fee is to-

tally. ..."

"No! Before that," I urged. "What did you say

88 Robert Asprin

about there not being enough time? I thought the execu-

tion wasn't scheduled until the end of the week!"

"That's right," Drahcir said. "But the end of the

week is tomorrow. Your friend is slated to be executed

at high midnight."

"C'mon, Massha," I ordered, heading for the door.

"We're heading back to Blut."

"What for?" she demanded. "What can we do with-

out a tracker?"

"We've tried being nice about this, and it isn't work-

ing," I responded grimly. "Now we do it the other way.

You wanted action, apprentice? How do you feel about

giving me a hand with a little jailbreak?"

Chapter Ten:

"What's wrong with a little harmless crime

once in a while?"

—M. BLAISE

"BUT I'm telling you, Boss, jailbreak is a bad rap. With

you operating at only half power in the magic depart-

ment, there's no tellin' what can go wrong, and

then...."

"Before we get all worked up about what can go

wrong, Guido," I said, trying to salvage something con-

structive out of the conversation, "could you give me a

little information on exactly how hard it is to break

someone out of jail? Or haven't you been involved in

any jailbreaks, either?"

"Of course I've been along on some jailbreaks," the

bodyguard declared, drawing himself up proudly. "I've

been an accomplice on three jailbreaks. What kind of

Mob member do you take me for, anyway?"

With a heroic effort I resisted the temptation to an-

swer that particular rhetorical question.

"Okay. So how about a few pointers? This is my first

jailbreak, and I want it to go right."

89

90 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 91

I was all set to settle in for a fairly lengthy lecture, but

instead of launching into the subject, Guido looked a bit

uncomfortable.

"Umm... actually, Boss, I don't think you'd want

to use any of the plans I followed. You see, all three of

'em were busts. None of 'em worked, and in two of the

capers, the guy we were tryin' to save got killed. That's

how I know about what a bad rap a jailbreak is, know

what I mean?"

"Oh, swell! Just swell! Tell me. Mister bodyguard,

with your allergies and zero-for-three record at jail-

break, did you ever do anything for the Mob that

worked?"

A gentle hand fell on my shoulder from behind.

"Hey! Ease up a little. High Roller," Massha said

softly. "I know you're worried about your partner, but

don't take it out on Guido ... or me, either, for that

matter. We may not be much, but we're here and trying

to help as best we can when we'd both just as soon be

bac.k at the Bazaar. You're in a bad enough spot with-

out starting a two-front war by turning on your allies."

I started to snap at her, but caught myself in time.

Instead, I drew a long ragged breath and blew it out

slowly. She was right. My nerves were stretched to the

breaking point....hich served me right for not follow-

ing my own advice.

We were currently holed up at the Dispatcher's, the

only place I could think of for an in-town base of

operations, and as soon as we had arrived, I had insisted

that both Massha and Guido grab a bit of sleep. We had

been going nonstop ever since stepping through the door

into Limbo, and I figured that the troops would need all

the rest they could get before we tried to spring Aahz.

Of course, once I had convinced them of the necessity of

racking out, I promptly ignored my own wisdom and

stayed up thinking for the duration.

The rationalization I used for this insane action was

that I wanted some extra time uninterrupted to recharge

my internal batteries, so whatever minimal magic I had

at my disposal would be ready for our efforts. In ac-

tuality, what I did was worry. While I had indeed taken

part in several criminal activities since teaming up with

Aahz, they had all been planned by either Aahz or Tan-

anda. This was my first time to get involved in master-

minding a caper, and the stakes were high. Not only

Aahz's but Massha's and Guide's futures were riding on

my successful debut, and my confidence level was at an

all-time low. After much pondering, I had decided to

swallow my pride and lean heavily on Guide's expertise,

which was why it hit me so hard when I discovered that

he knew even less about successful jailbreaks than I.

"Sorry, Guido," I said, trying to restructure my

thinking. "I guess I'm more tired than I realized. Didn't

mean to snap at you."

"Don't worry. Boss," the bodyguard grinned. "I've

been expectin' it. All the big operators I've worked with

get a little crabby when the heat's on. If anything, your

temper gettin' short is the best thing I've seen since we

started this caper. That's why I've been so jumpy my-

self. I wasn't sure if you weren't taking the job seri-

ously, or if you were just too dumb to know the kind of

odds we were up against. Now that you're acting normal

for the situation, I feel a lot better about how it's goin'

to come out in the end."

Terrific! Now that I was at the end of my rope, our

eternal pessimist thought things were going great.

"Okay," I said, rubbing my forehead with one fin-

ger, "we haven't got much information to go on, and

what we do know is bad. According to Vilhelm, Aahz is

being held in the most escape-proof cell they have,

92 Robert Asprin

which is the top floor of the highest tower in town. If we

try to take him from the inside, we're going to have to

fool or fight every guard on the way up and down. To

me, that means our best bet is to spring him from the

outside."

My assistants nodded vigorously, their faces as en-

thusiastic as if I had just said something startlingly

original and clever.

"Now, with my powers at low ebb. I don't think I can

levitate that far and spring the cell. Massha, do you

have anything in your jewelry collection that would

work for rope and climbing hooks?''

"N—no," she said hesitantly, which surprised me.

She usually had a complete inventory of her nasty

pretties on the tip of her tongue.

"I saw a coil of rope hangin' just inside the door,"

Guido supplied.

"I noticed it, too," I acknowledged, "but it isn't

nearly long enough. We'll just have to use up my power

getting up to the cell and figure some other way of

opening the window."

"Ummm... you don't have to do that. High

Roller," Massha said with a sigh. "I've got something

we can use."

"What's that?"

"The belt I'm wearing with all my gear hung on it.

It's a levitation belt. The controls aren't horribly reli-

able, but it should do to get us to the top of the tower."

I cocked an eyebrow at my apprentice.

"Wait a minute, Massha. Why didn't you mention

this when I asked?"

She looked away quickly.

"You didn't ask about a belt. Only about rope and

climbing hooks."

MYTH-ING PERSONS 93

"Since when do I have to ask you specific questions

... or any questions, for that matter, to get your in-

put?"

"All right," she sighed. "If you really want to know,

I was hoping we could find a way to do this without

using the belt."

"Why?"

"It embarrasses me."

"It what?"

"It embarrasses me. I look silly floating around in the

air. It's okay for skinny guys like you and Guido, but

when I try it, I look like a blimp. All I'd need is Good-

year tattooed on my side to make the picture complete."

I closed my eyes and tried to remember that I was

tired and that I shouldn't take it out on my friends. The

fact that Massha was worried about appearances while I

was trying to figure out a way to get us all out of this

alive wasn't really infuriating. It was... flattering!

That was it! She was so confident of my abilities to get

us through this crisis that she had time to think about

appearances! Of course, the possibility of betraying that

confidence set me off in another round of worrying.

Wonderful.

"You okay. Boss?"

"Hmmm? Yeah. Sure, Guido. Okay. Now Massha

floats up to the window, which leaves you and me free

to...."

"Hold it, Hot Stuff," Massha said, holding up a

hand. "I think I'd better explain a little more about this

belt. I bought it in an 'as-is' rummage sale, and the con-

trols are not all they should be."

"How so?"

"Well, the 'up' control works okay, but the 'altitude'

is shaky so you're never sure how much you can lift or

94

MYTH-ING PERSONS 95

Robert Asprin

how high it will go. The real problem, though, is the

'down' control. There's no tapering-off effect, so it's

either on or off."

I was never particularly good at technical jargon, but

flying was something I knew so I could almost follow

her.

"Let me see if I've got this right," I said. "When you

go up, you aren't sure how much power you'll have, and

when you land. ..."

"...it ain't gentle," she finished for me. "Basically,

you fall from whatever height you're at to the ground."

"I don't know much about this magic stuff," Guido

commented dryly, "but that doesn't sound so good.

Why would you use a rig like that, anyway?"

"I don't ... at least not for flying," Massha said.

"Remember, I told you I think it makes me look silly?

All I use it for is a utility belt... you know, like Bat-

man? I mean, it's kind of pretty, and it isn't easy to find

belts in my size."

"Whatever," I said, breaking into their fashion dis-

cussion. "We're going to use it tonight to get up to the

cell even if it means rigging some kind of ballast system.

Now all we need to figure out is how to open the cell

window and a getaway plan. Guido, it occurs to me that

we might pick up a few lessons on jailbreaks from your

experiences even if they were unsuccessful. I mean,

negative examples can be as instructive as positive ex-

amples. So tell me, in your opinion what went wrong in

the plans you followed in the past?"

The bodyguard's brow furrowed as it took on the

unaccustomed exercise of thought.

"I dunno, Boss. It seems that however much planning

was done, something always came up that we hadn't

figured on. If I had to hang our failures on any one

thing, I'd say it was just that... overplanning. I mean,

after weeks of lectures and practice sessions, you get a

little overconfident, so when something goes wrong

you're caught flatfooted, know what I mean?"

Nervous as we were, that got a laugh from both

Massha and me.

"Well, that's one problem we won't have to worry

about," I said. "Our planning time is always minimal,

and for this caper we're going to have to put it together

in a matter of hours."

"If you take hours, you'll never pull it off," Vilhelm

said, entering our planning room just in time to hear my

last comment.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Massha growled.

"Say, are you sure you guys are on the level?" the

vampire said, ignoring my apprentice. "It occurs to me

that I've only got your word on all this... that Vic is

still alive and all. If you're taking advantage of my good

nature to get me involved in something crooked...."

"He's alive," I assured him. "I've seen him myself

since we were here last... but you didn't answer the

question. What was that you were saying about what

would happen if we took hours to plan the jailbreak?"

The Dispatcher shrugged.

"I suppose you guys know what you're doing and I

should keep my mouth shut, but I was getting a little

worried. I mean, it's sundown already, and if you're

going to make your move before the execution, it had

better be soon."

"How do you figure that?" I frowned. "The action

isn't slated until high midnight. I had figured on waiting

a while until it was dark and things quieted down

around town a little."

"Are you kidding?" the vampire said with a start, his

eyebrows going up to his hairline. "That's when ... oh,

I get it. You're still thinking in terms of your off-

96 Robert Asprin

dimension timetables. You've got to ... umm, you

might want to be sitting down for this, Skeeve."

"Lay it on me," I said, rubbing my forehead again.

"What have I overlooked now? Even without the blind-

fold and the cigarette I'd just as soon take the bad news

standing up."

"Well, you've got to remember that you're dealing

with a city of vampires here. Sundown is the equivalent

of dawn to us. That's when things start happening, not

when they start winding down! That means...."

"... that high midnight is a major traffic time and

the longer we wait, the more people there will be on the

street," I said, trying to suppress a groan.

Once the basic oversight had been pointed out, I

could do my own extrapolations... with all their hor-

rible consequences. Trying to fight back my own panic,

I turned to my assistants.

"Okay, troops. We're on. Guido, grab that rope you

saw. We may need it before this is over."

The bodyguard's eyes widened with astonishment.

"You mean we're going to start the caper right now?

But Boss! We haven't planned... ."

"Hey, Guido," I said, flashing a grin that was almost

sane. "You were the one who said that overplanning

was a problem. Well, if you're right, this should be the

most successful jailbreak ever!"

Chapter Eleven:

"Nice jail. Looks strong.'

—H. HOUDINI

VILHELM was right about one thing. The streets were

nowhere nearly as crowded as they had been the times

we navigated their length well after sundown. Only a

few stray beings wandered here and there, mostly mak-

ing deliveries or sweeping down the sidewalks in front of

their shops prior to opening. Except for the lack of

light, the streets looked just like any town preparing for

a day's business....hat and the red eyes of the citizens.

We hugged the light as we picked our way across

town....

That's right. I said "hugged the light." I try to only

make the same mistake a dozen times. In other dimen-

sions, we would have "hugged the dark" to avoid being

noticed or recognized. Here, we "hugged the light."

Don't laugh. It worked.

Anyway, as we picked our way through the streets of

Blut, most of my attention was taken up with the task of

trying to map a good getaway route. Getting Aahz out

97

98 Robert Asprin

of jail I would deal with once we got there. Right now I

was worried about what we would do once we had him

out... a major assumption, I know, but I had so little

optimism that I clung to what there was with all fours.

The three of us looked enough like vampires in ap-

pearance to pass casual inspection. There was no way,

however, that we could pass off my scaly green partner

as a native without a disguise spell, and I wasn't about

to bet on having any magical energy left after springing

Aahz. As such, I was constantly craning my neck to peer

down sidestreets and alleys, hoping to find a little-

traveled route by which we could spirit our fugitive col-

league out of town without bringing the entire populace

down on our necks. By the time we reached our destina-

tion, I was pretty sure I could get us back to the Dis-

patcher's by the route we were following, and positively

sure that if I tried to take us there by the back routes, I

would get us totally and helplessly lost.

"Well, Boss. This is it. Think we can crack it?"

I don't think Guido really expected an answer. He

was just talking to break the silence that had fallen over

us as we stood looking at our target.

The Municipal Building was an imposing structure,

with thick stone walls and a corner tower that stretched

up almost out of sight into the darkness. It didn't look

like we could put a dent in it with a cannon ... if we had

a cannon, which we didn't. I was used to the tents of the

Bazaar or the rather ramshackle building style of Klah.

While I had been gradually getting over being overawed

by the construction prevalent here in Blut, this place in-

timidated me. I'd seen shakier looking mountains!

"Well, one thing's for certain," I began, almost

under my breath.

"What's that?"

"Staring at it isn't going to make it any weaker."

MYTH-ING PERSONS 99

Neither of my assistants laughed at my joke, but then

again, neither did I.

Shaking off a feeling of foreboding, I turned to my

staff.

"All right, Guido. You stay down here and keep

watch. Massha? Do you think that belt of yours can lift

two? It's time I went topside and took a good look at

this impregnable cell."

My apprentice licked her lips nervously and shrugged.

"I don't know, Hot Stuff. I warned you that the con-

trols on this thing don't work right. It could lift us right

into orbit for all I know."

I patted her shoulder in what I hoped was a reassuring

way.

"Well, give it a try and we'll find out."

She nodded, wrapped one arm around my chest, and

used her other hand to play with the jewels on her belt

buckle.

There was a sparkle of light, but beyond that nothing.

"Not enough juice," she mumbled to herself.

"So turn it up already," I urged.

- Even if the vampires tended to avoid light, we were lit

up like a Christmas tree and bound to attract attention

if we stayed at ground level much longer.

"Cross your fingers," she said grimly and touched

the jewels again.

The light intensified and we started up fast ... too

fast.

"Careful, Boss!" Guido shouted and grabbed my

legs as they went past him.

That brought our progress to a halt... well, almost.

Instead of rocketing up into the night, we were rising

slowly, almost imperceptibly.

"That's got it, High Roller!" Massha exclaimed,

shifting her grip to hang onto me with both arms. "A

100 Robert Asprin

little more ballast than I had planned on, though."

I considered briefly telling Guido to let go, but re-

jected the thought. If the bodyguard released his grip,

we'd doubtless resume our previous speed... and while

a lot of folks at the Bazaar talked about my meteoric

rise, I'd just as soon keep the phrase figurative. There

was also the minor detail that we were already at a

height where it would be dangerous for Guido to try

dropping back to the street. There was that, and his

death-grip on my legs.

"Don't tell me, let me guess," I called down to him.

"You're acrophobic, too?"

The view of Blut that was unfolding beneath us was

truly breathtaking. Truly! My life these days was so

cluttered with crisis and dangers that a little thing like

looking down on buildings didn't bother me much, but

even I was finding it hard to breathe when confronted

up close with sheer walls adorned with stone creatures.

Still, until I felt his fingernails biting into my calves, it

had never occurred to me that such things might upset a

rough-and-tumble guy like Guido.

"Naw. I got nothin' against spiders," he replied nerv-

ously. "It's heights that scare me."

I let that one go. I was busy studying the tower which

could be viewed much more clearly from this altitude. If

anything, it looked stronger than the portion of the

building that was below us. One feature captured my at-

tention, though. The top portion of the tower, the part I

assumed was Aahz's cell, was shaped like a large

dragon's head. The window I had been expecting was

actually the creature's mouth, with its teeth serving as

bars.

I should have anticipated something like that, realiz-

ing the abundance of stone animals on every other

building in town. Still, it came as a bit of a surprise...

MYTH-ING PERSONS 101

but a pleasant surprise. I had been trying to figure a way

to get through iron bars, but stone teeth might be a bit

easier. Maybe with Aahz working from the inside and us

working from the outside, we could loosen the mortar

and....

I suddenly realized that in a few moments we would

be level with the cell... and that a few moments after

that we'd be past it! Unless something was done, and

done fast, to halt our upward progress, we'd only have

time for a few quick words with Aahz before parting

company permanently. With time running out fast, I

cast about for a solution.

The wall was too far away to grab onto, and there was

no way to increase our weight, unless....

When Aahz first taught me to fly, he explained the

process as "levitation in reverse." That is, instead of

using the mind to lift objects, you push against the

ground and lift yourself. Focusing my reservoir of magi-

cal energy, I used a small portion to try flying in reverse.

Instead of pushing up, I pushed down!

Okay. So I was desperate. In a crisis, I'll try anything,

however stupid. Fortunately, this stupid idea worked!

Our upward progress slowed to a halt with me hang-

ing at eye-level with the cell's dragon mouth.

Trying not to show my relief, I raised my voice.

"Hey, Aahz! When are visiting hours?"

For a moment there was no response, and I had a sud-

den fear that we were hanging a hundred feet in the air

outside an empty cell. Then my partner's unmistakable

countenance appeared in the window.

"Skeeve?" he said in a skeptical voice. "Skeeve!

What are you doing out there?"

"Oh, we were just in the neighborhood and thought

we'd drop in," I replied in my best nonchalant voice.

"Heard you were in a bit of trouble and thought we'd

102

MYTH-ING PERSONS 103

Robert Asprin

better get you out before it got serious."

"Who's we?" my partner demanded, then he focused

on my assistants. "Oh no! Those two? Where are Tan-

anda and Chumley? C'mon, Skeeve. I need a rescue

team and you bring me a circus act!"

"It's the best I could do on short notice," I shot

back, slightly annoyed. "Tananda and Chumley aren't

back from their own work yet, but I left a message for

them to catch up with us if they could. Of course, I'm

not sure how much help they'll be. In case you're

wondering why I'm being carried by my apprentice in-

stead of flying free, this particular dimension is excep-

tionally low on force lines to tap in to. If anything, I

think I'm pretty lucky that I brought 'these two' along

instead of ending up with a whole team of for-real magi-

cians who are too proud to use gimmicks. It's thanks to

'these two' that I made it this far at all. Now, dtf you

want our help, or do you want to wait for the next team

to float past? I mean, you're in no rush, are you?"

"Now don't get your back up, partner," Aahz said

soothingly. "You caught me a little off-guard is all. So

tell me, just how do you figure to get me out of here?"

That brought me back to earth ... or as close to it as 1

could get while suspended in mid-air.

"Umm... actually, Aahz, I was kinda hoping you

might have a few ideas on the subject. You're usually

pretty good at coming up with plans to get us out of

tight spots."

"What I want to know," Guido snarled, turning

slightly in the wind, "is how come your partner hasn't

figured a way out of there all by himself, if he's so all-

fired smart?"

I started to rebuke my bodyguard, but slowly his

words sank in. That was a good question! Aahz was

strong ... I mean STRONG! By rights he should have

been able to rip the stone teeth out of the window all by

himself. What was keeping him here?

"Oh, I'm having so much fun in here I just couldn't

bear to leave," Aahz barked back. "I'm in here because

I can't get out, that's why. What's more, if any of you

have any ideas about how to get me out, I think now's a

real good time to share them with the rest of us."

"Wait a minute, Aahz," I said. "Why can't you get

out... and how did they catch you in the first place?"

"I was framed," my partner retorted, but I noticed

his voice was a bit more subdued.

"We already know that." Impressed. "What I want to

know is why you didn't just bust a few heads and sprint

for home? You've never been particularly respectful of

local authority before."

To my surprise, Aahz actually looked embarrassed.

"I was drugged," he said in a disgusted tone. "They

put something in my drink, and the next thing I knew I

had a stake and mallet in my hands and a room full of

officials. Whatever it was they used, it kept me groggy

all the way through the trial... I mean I couldn't walk

straight, much less defend myself coherently, and after

that I was in/we!"

"The old Mickey Finn trick!" Massha snorted, rock-

ing our entire formation. "I'm surprised someone as

off-worldly as you could get caught by such a corny

stunt."

"Yeah. It surprised me, too!" Aahz admitted. "I

mean, that gag is so old, who would really expect any-

one to try it at all?"

"Only if you figured the mark was louder than he was

smart," Guido sneered.

"Is that so!" my partner snapped, ready to renew

their old rivalry. "Well, when I get out of here, you and

me can...."

104 Robert Asprin

"Stop it, you two," I ordered. "Right now the

problem is to get us all out of here before the balloon

goes up ... no offense, Massha. Now spill, Aahz.

What's so special about this cell that's keeping you bot-

tled up?"

My partner heaved a great sigh.

"Take another look at it, Skeeve. A close look."

I did. It still looked the same to me: a tower room in

the shape of a dragon's head.

"Yeah. Okay. So?"

"So remember where we are. This thing was built to

hold vampire criminals. You know, beings with super-

human strength that can change into mist?"

My gaze flew back to the dragon's head.

"I don't get it," I admitted. "How can any stone cell

hold beings like that?"

"That's the point." Aahz winced. "A stone cell

can't\ This thing is made of living stone. If whoever's

inside tries to bust out, it swallows them. If they try to

turn into mist, it inhales them."

"You mean...."

"Now you're getting the picture."

He flashed his toothy grin at me despite his obvious

depression.

"The cell is alive!"

Startled by this revelation, I looked at the tower top

cell again. As if it had been waiting for the right cue, the

dragon's head opened its eyes and looked at me.

Chapter Twelve:

"For the right person, the impossible is

easy!"

—DUMBO

To everyone's surprise, particularly my own, I didn't

find the revelation about the true nature of Aahz's con-

finement at all discouraging. If anything, I was doubly

pleased. Not only did I have an immediate idea for how

to beat the problem, I had arrived at it before my

knowledgeable partner... well before, as a matter of

fact, as he had been pondering his dilemma for days

whereas I had only just received the information. Of

course, he was probably not in a position to see the easy

solution that I could.

"What are you grinning at?" he demanded. "If

there's anything funny about this, it eludes me com-

pletely."

Unlike my own amiable self, Aahz tends to show his

worry by getting mad. Come to think of it, he tends to

express almost any emotion by getting mad. Well, at

least he's consistent.

"Tell me," I said, eyeing the dragon's head, "you say

this thing's alive. How alive is it?"

105

106

Robert Asprin

MYTH-ING PERSONS

107

"What do you mean, 'how alive is it'?" Aahz

scowled. "It's alive enough to swallow me if it gets it

into it's head. That's alive enough for me.

"I mean, can it hear and see?"

"Who cares?" my partner said, in a dazzling display

of charm and curiosity that makes him so lovable. "I

hadn't planned on asking it out for a date."

I stared thoughtfully at the beast.

"I was just wondering if it could hear me ... say, if I

said that I thought it was the ugliest building decoration

I've seen here in town?"

The dragon's head rewarded me by narrowing its eyes

into an evil glare.

"I think it can hear you, Boss," Guido said, shifting

his grip nervously. "It doesn't look like it liked that last

comment."

"Oh, swell!" Aahz grumbled. "Tell you what, part-

ner. Why don't you come in here and sit on this thing's

tongue instead of me before you start getting it all riled

Up?"

"I was just checking." I smiled. "To tell the truth, I

think it's the most incredible thing I've seen since I

started traveling the dimensions. I just said that other to

test its reactions."

The dragon stopped glaring, but it still looked a little

bit suspicous and wary.

"Well, find some other reaction to test, okay?" my

partner snapped. "For some obscure reason, I'm a little

nervous these days, and every time this thing moves its

tongue I age a few centuries."

I ignored his grumbling and shook one of my legs.

"Hey, Guido! Are you still paying attention down

there?"

His grip tightened fiercely.

"Of course I'm paying attention, you little ... I

mean, yeah, Boss. There's not much else to do while

we're hangin'. here, know what I mean? And quit jerk-

ing your leg around... please?"

I found his verbal slip rather interesting, but now

wasn't the time to investigate further.

"Well, listen up," I said. "Here's what I want you to

do. I want you to let go with one hand and pass the rope

up to me. ..."

"No way, Boss! Have you seen how far down it is?

I'm not lettin' go no matter what you. ..."

"... because if you don't," I continued as if he

hadn't interrupted, "I'm going to start squirming

around until either you lose your grip with both hands

or Massha loses her grip on me. Whichever way it goes,

you'll fall. Get my drift? Now for once could you just

follow orders without a lot of back-talk? We don't have

much time to pull this off."

There was a stricken silence below as Guido absorbed

my ultimatum and weighed the possibilities.

"Pull what off?" Aahz demanded. "Why doesn't

anybody tell me anything? If this master plan of yours is

riding on that sorry excuse for a bodyguard, you might

as well give up right now. I've told you all along that he

was too lily-livered to be any good at. ..."

"Who's lily-livered?!" Guido shouted. "Look, Big

Mouth, as soon as we get you out of there, you and me

are going to settle this once and. ..."

"First, we've got to get him out, Guido," I inter-

rupted. "The rope."

"Right, Boss. One rope coming up. We'll see who's

lily-livered. The last person who called me that was my

mom, and by the time I got done with her...."

Our whole formation began to rock dangerously as he

fumbled through his coat one-handed in search of the

rope. For a minute, I was afraid he was mad enough to

Robert Asprin

108

let go with both hands to speed his search.

"Easy there, Guido," I cautioned. "We can.... ."

"Here it is, Boss!" he said, flipping the rope up so

violently that it almost whacked me in the face. "I hope

you can use it to hang the son of a...."

"Hanging isn't enough!" Aahz taunted. "It takes

more than a piece of rope to do me in."

"Yeah. It takes a little girl with blue eyes and a spiked

drink," my bodyguard sneered back. "If you think I'm

going to let you live that one down...."

I forced myself to ignore them. While it was tempting

to rally to Luanna's defense, there were other more

pressing matters to attend to.

Moving as carefully as I could, I looped one end of

the rope up and around Massha's waist. It took a couple

of tries and a lot more rope than I would have liked, but

finally I managed to catch the dangling end and tie it off

securely.

"What's with the rope, Hot Stuff?" Massha said

calmly, the only one of our group who had managed to

keep her cool through the entire proceedings.

"Well, with any luck, in a little while we're going to

be heading down... with Aahz," I explained. "Even

though I know you're strong, I don't think your hands

are strong enough to keep a grip on all three of us while

we make the trip. This is to be sure we don't lose anyone

after we spring the cell."

"Speaking of that," Aahz called, "I'm still waiting to

hear how you're going to get me out of this thing. You

might even say I'm dying to find out."

He wasn't the only one. The dragon's head was

watching my every movement through slitted eyes. I'm

not sure how much pride it took in its job, but it was ob-

vious the beast wasn't getting ready to overwhelm us

with its cooperation.

MYTH-ING PERSONS 109

Everything was as ready as I could make it, so I de-

cided it was time to play my trump card.

"There's nothing to it, really," I told my partner with

a smile. "Talk to me."

It isn't often I catch my old mentor totally by surprise

... I get him upset on a fairly regular basis, but total

surprise was a real rarity. This was one of those golden

times.

"Say WHAT?" Aahz exclaimed loudly.

"Trust me, Aahz," I insisted. "I know what I'm

doing. Just talk to me. Tell me a story. How did you

first meet Garkin?"

"Oh, that," he said, rolling his eyes expressively.

"Well, we were at the same boring cocktail party, see

... you know, one of those dreary affairs where the

crowd has you pinned against the wall and you get stuck

talking to whatever the tide washes up against you?

Anyway, he was trying to impress some little bit of fluff

with his magic, which really wasn't all that hot in those

days ... let me tell you, partner, anytime you start get-

ting depressed with your lack of progress in the magic

business, remind me to tell you what your old teacher

Garkin was like when we first met. But, as I was saying,

out of respect for the craft, I just had to wander over

and show them what the real stuff looked like... not

that I had any interest in her myself, mind you...."

I felt Guido tugging on my pantleg.

"Say, Boss," he complained. "What is this? I

thought we were in a hurry."

"This is what we needed the time for," I whispered

back.

"For thisV he grumbled. "But Boss, if we don't get

started. ..."

"We're started," I answered. "Now pay attention to

what he's saying."

110

Robert Asprin

I was afraid our side comments might have distracted

Aahz, but I needn't have worried. As per normal, once

my partner got on a verbal roll, he wasn't that easy to

stop.

"...so there we were, just the three of us, mind you,

and remember, our clothes were five floors away at this

point...."

"What's going on, Hot Stuff?" Massha hissed from

her position above me. "I know you've heard this story

before. Heck, I've heard it four times myself."

"Keep your eye on the dragon," I advised her. "And

be ready to act fast."

I was going through the motions of reacting to Aahz's

story and fielding the impatient questions of my assis-

tants as best I could, but my real attention was focused

on the dragon's head. My strategy was already working.

Aahz's droning account of past glories was starting to

take effect.

The dragon's eyes were definitely starting to glaze.

"...of course, after all that, I just had to take her

home with me. It was the least I could do for the poor

thing under the circumstances."

Aahz was winding up his story already! I had to keep

him going just a little bit longer.

"Was that the party where you met Tananda?" I

said, deliberately feeding him another cue.

"Tananda? No. That's another story completely. I

met her when I was sitting in on a cut-throat game of

dragon poker over at the Geek's. We had a real pigeon

on the line, the kind of idiot who would bet a busted

Corp's a' Corp's into a Unicorn Flush showing,

you know? Well, I was a little low on funds just then,

Guido was getting restless again.

"Boss, how much longer are we gonna...."

MYTH-ING PERSONS 111

"Not much longer," I interrupted. "Get hold of the

rope. We're about to move."

"... now I was holding Ogres back-to-back ... or

was it Elves? No, it was Ogres. I remember because

Tananda had Elves wrapped up. Of course, we didn't

know that until the end of the hand. Anyway, as soon as

the Geek opened, I bumped him back limit, and Tan-

anda ..."

That did it. I should have known a hand-by-hand,

bet-by-bet description of dragon poker would do the

trick.

Without any warning at all, the dragon yawned...

long and wide.

Aahz broke off his narration, a momentous event in

itself, and blinked his surprise.

"Quick, Aahz! Jump for it!"

Bewildered as he was, there was nothing wrong with

my partner's reflexes. He was out of the dragon's

mouth in a flash, diving through the air to catch the

rope below Guido.

As soon as his hands closed on our lifeline, several

things happened at the same time.

With the extra weight on Massha's levitation belt, our

whole formation started to sink at an alarming rate...

my apprentice lost her grip on me, giving me minor rope

burns as I clutched madly for the rope, almost too late

to follow the advice I had been so freely giving to every-

one else ... and the dragon closed his mouth.

I caught one last glimpse of the beast before we sank

from sight, and I honestly don't think he even knew we

were gone. His eyelids were at half-mast, and the eyes

themselves were out of focus from boredom. Aahz's

stories tended to have that effect on even vaguely-intelli-

gent beings. I had simply found a practical application

for the phenomenon.

Robert Asprin

112

"I've gotta change the controls, Hot Stuff!" Massha

called, alerting me once more to our current situation.

The ground was rushing up to meet us with frighten-

ing speed.

I remembered the faulty controls that held all of us at

their mercy.

"No! Wait, Massha! Let me try...."

Exerting my last ounce of reserve power, I worked at

levitating our whole crew. Under normal circumstances,

I could lift three people easily and four or five in a

pinch. Here in Limbo, using everything I had with

Massha's belt assisting me, I barely managed to slow

our descent to a moderate crawl.

"What happened there, partner?" Aahz called.

"How did you know that thing was going to yawn?"

"Call it a lucky guess," I grunted, still concentrating

on keeping us from crashing. "I'll explain later."

"Check the landing zone," Guido warned.

I sneaked a peak.

We had been at our task longer than I thought. The

sidewalk below was crowded with vampires strolling

here and there as Blut's legendary nightlife fired up.

"I don't think we can bluff our way through this

one," Aahz said calmly. "Any chance you can steer us

around the corner into the alley? There doesn't seem to

be as much of a crowd there."

Before I could answer, something flashed past us

from above with a flutter of leather wings.

"JAILBREAK!" it screamed, banking around the

corner. "Murderer on the loose! JAILBREAK!"

Chapter Thirteen:

"I've never seen so damn many Indians."

—G. A. CUSTER

THE words of alarm had an interesting effect on the

crowd below. After a brief glance to see us descending

into their midst, to a man they turned and ran. In a

twinkling, the street was empty.

"What's going on?" I called to Aahz, unable to

believe our good fortune.

"Beats me!" my partner shouted back. "I guess none

of the normal citizenry want to tangle with an escaped

murderer. Better get us down fast before they figure out

how badly outnumbered we are."

I didn't have to be told twice. Our escape had just

gotten an unexpected blessing, but I wasn't about to

make book on how long it would last. I cut my magical

support, and we dropped swiftly toward the pavement.

"What was that that blew the whistle on us?" Massha

said, peering up into the darkness where our mysterious

saboteur had disappeared.

"I think it was that Vic character," Guido answered

from below me. "I got a pretty good look at him when

113

114 Robert Asprin

he bolted past me back at the Woof Writers."

"Really?" I asked, half to myself, twisting around to

look after the departed villain. "That's one more we

owe him."

"Later," Aahz commanded, touching down at last.

"Right now we've got to get out of here."

Guido was beside him in a second. I had to drop a

ways, as with the extra weight removed from the rope,

we had ceased to sink.

"C'mon, Massha!" I called. "Cut the power in that

thing. It's not that far to fall."

"I'm trying!" she snapped back, fiddling with the

belt buckle once more. "The flaming thing's malfunc-

tioning again!"

The belt setting had changed. Holding the rope, I

could feel that there was no longer an upward pull.

Unfortunately, Massha wasn't sinking, either. Instead,

she hovered in mid-air about fifteen feet up.

"Hey, Boss! We got company!"

I followed my bodyguard's gaze. There was a mob

forming down the street to our left, and it didn't look

happy. Of course, it was hard to tell for sure, but I had

the definite impression that their eyes were glowing red-

der than normal, which I was unable to convince myself

was a good sign.

"Maasshhhha!" I nagged, my voice rising uncon-

trollably as I tugged on the rope.

"It's jammed!" she whimpered. "Go on, take off,

Hot Stuff. No sense in all of us getting caught."

"We can't just leave you here," I argued.

"We don't have time for a debate," Aahz snarled.

"Guido! Get up there ahead of us and keep the street

open. We can't afford to get cut off. Okay, let's go!"

With that, he snatched the rope out of my hand and

took off running down the street away from the crowd

with Guido out front in point position and Massha

MYTH-ING PERSONS 115

floating over his head like a gaudy balloon. For once, I

didn't object to him giving orders to my bodyguard. I

was too busy sprinting to keep up with the rest of my

group.

If the watching mob was having any trouble deciding

what to do, the sight of us fleeing settled it. With a

howl, they swarmed down the street in pursuit.

When I say "with a howl," I'm not speaking figura-

tively. As they ran, some of the vampires transformed

into large, fierce-looking dogs, others into bats, pre-

sumably to gain more speed in the chase. While Aahz

and I had been chased by mobs before, this was the first

pack of pursuers who literally bayed at our heels. I must

say I didn't care much for the experience.

"Where are we going, Aahz?" I panted.

"Away from them!" he called back.

"I mean, eventually," I pressed. "We're heading the

wrong way to get back to our hideout."

"We can't hole up until we've shaken our fan club,"

my partner insisted. "Now shut up and run."

I had certain doubts about our ability to elude our

pursuers while towing Massha overhead to mark our

position, but I followed Aahz's instructions and

pumped the pavement for all I was worth. For one

thing, if I pointed out this obvious fact to my partner,

he might simply let go of the rope and leave my appren-

tice to fend for herself. Then again, the option to run-

ning was to stand firm and face the mob. All in all,

running seemed like a real good idea.

Guido was surprisingly good at clearing a path for us.

I had never really seen my bodyguard in action, but with

his constant carping and allergy problems throughout

this venture, I was tending to discount his usefulness.

Not so. The vampires we encountered in our flight had

not heard the alarm and were unprepared for the whirl-

wind that burst into their midst. Guido never seemed to

116 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 117

break stride as he barreled into victim after victim, but

whatever he did to them was effective. None of the

fallen bodies which marked his progress attempted to

interfere with Aahz or I ... heck, they didn't even

move.

"River ahead. Boss!" he called over his shoulder.

"What's that?" I puffed, realizing for the first time

how out of shape I had grown during my prosperous

stay at the Bazaar.

"A river!" he repeated. "The street we're on is going

to dead-end into a river in a few blocks. I can see it'from

here. We're going to have to change direction or we'll

get pinned against the water."

I wondered whether it wouldn't be a good idea for us

to just plunge into the river and put some moving water

between us and the vampires, as I seemed to recall a

legend that that was one of the things that could stop

them. Then it occurred to me that my bodyguard prob-

ably couldn't swim.

"Head right!" Aahz shouted. "There! Up that

alley."

Guido darted off on the indicated course with my

partner and I pounding along about fifteen paces

behind him. We had built up a bit of a lead on our pur-

suers, though we could still hear their cries and yelps a

block or so back, and for the first time I started to have

the hope that we might actually elude them. Now that

we were out of their line of sight....

"Lookout. ..."

There was a sudden cry from above, and Massha

came crashing to the ground, gaming the dubious

distinction of being the first person I've ever witnessed

doing a belly-flop on dry land. I'm sure the ground

didn't actually shake, but the impact was enough to

leave that impression. I experienced a quick flash of

guilt, realizing that my first thought was not for the

well-being of my apprentice, but rather unbridled relief

that she hadn't landed on one of us.

"I think the controls just came unstuck," Aahz said,

rather unnecessarily to my thinking.

"Are you all right, Massha?" I said, crouching over

her.

"Wha—ha ..." came the forced reply.

"Of course, she's not all right," Aahz snapped,

assuming translator duties. "At the very least she's got

the wind knocked out of her."

Whatever the exact extent of the damages suffered

from her fall, my apprentice wasn't even trying to rise. I

would have liked to give her a few minutes recovery

time, but already the sounds of our pursuers were draw-

ing closer.

"Can you carry her, Aahz?"

"Not on my best day," my partner admitted, eyeing

Massha's sizable bulk. "How about you? Have you got

enough juice left to levitate her?"

I shook my head violently.

"Used it all supervising our aerial maneuvers back at

the jail."

"Hey. Boss!" Guido hissed, emerging from the

shadows behind us. "The alley's blocked. This is the

only way out!"

And that was that. Even if we got Massha up and

moving, all it meant was that we'd have to retrace our

steps right back into the teeth of the mob. We had run

our race... and were about to lose it rather spectacu-

larly.

The others knew it, too.

"Well, it's been nice working with you, Guido,"

Aahz said with a sigh. "I know I've gotten on your case

a couple of times, but you're a good man to have

around in a pinch. You did some really nice crowd work

getting us this far. Sorry about that last turn call."

118 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 119

"No hard feelings," my bodyguard shrugged. "You

gave it your best shot. This alley would have been my

choice, too, if I'd been workin' alone. Boss, I warned

you I was a jinx when it came to jailbreaks. I gotta ad-

mit, though, for a while there I really thought we were

goin' to pull this one off."

"It was a long shot at best." I grinned. "At least you

can't say that this one suffered from over-planning."

Aahz clapped a hand on my shoulder.

"Well, partner?" he said. "Any thoughts on how to

play this one? Do we try to surrender peacefully, or go

down swinging?"

I wasn't sure the crowd would give us a choice. They

were almost at our alley, and they didn't sound like they

cared much for talking.

"NOT THIS WAY! THEY'RE DOUBLING BACK

TOWARD THE JAIL!"

This unexpected cry came from the street near the

mouth of our alley.

I.couldn't believe it, but apparently the mob did.

There were curses and shouted orders, but from their

fast-fading manner it was plain that the crowd had

turned and was now heading back the way they had

come.

"What was that?" Massha managed, her voice re-

turning at last.

I motioned her to be silent and cocked an eyebrow at

Aahz, silently asking the same question.

He answered with an equally silent shake of the head.

Neither of us knew for sure what was going on, but

we both sensed that the timely intervention was neither

accidental nor a mistake. Someone had deliberately

pulled the crowd off our backs. Before we celebrated

our good fortune, we wanted to know who and why.

A pair of figures appeared at the mouth of the alley.

"You can come out now," one of them called.

"Sorry to interfere, but it looked like so much fun we

just had to play, too."

I'd know that voice anywhere, even if I didn't

recognize the figure as well as the unmistakable form of

her brother.

"Tananda! Chumley!" I shouted, waving to pinpoint

our position. "I was wondering when you'd show up."

The sister-brother team of Trollop and Troll hastened

to join us. For all their lighthearted banter, I can think

of few beings I'd rather have on or at my side when

things get tight.

"Are you all right?" Tananda asked, stopping to help

Massha to her feet.

"Really never had much dignity," my apprentice

responded, "and what little I did have is shot to hell.

Except for that I'm fine. I'm starting to see why you Big

Leaguers are so down on mechanical magic."

Chumley seized my hand and pumped it vigorously.

"Now don't be too rough on your little gimmicks,

ducks," he advised. "That little ring you left us was just

the ticket we needed to get here in time for the latest in

our unbroken string of last-minute rescues. Except for

the typical hash you've made of your end-game, it looks

like you've done rather well without us. We've got all

present and accounted for, including Aahz, who seems

remarkably unscathed after yet one more near-brush

with disaster. Seems like all that's left is a hasty retreat

and a slow celebration ... eh, what?"

"That's about the size of it," I agreed. "It's great

having the two of you along to ride shotgun on our exit,

though. Speaking of which, can you find the castle from

here? I've gotten a little turned around...."

"Hold it right there!" Aahz broke in. "Before we get

too wrapped up in congratulating each other, aren't

there a few minor details being overlooked?"

The group looked at each other.

120

Robert Asprin

"Like what?" Tananda said at last.

"Like the fact that I'm still wanted for murder, for

one," my partner glared. "Then again, there's the three

fugitives we're supposed to be bringing back to Deva

with us."

"Oh, come on, Aahz," the Trollop chided, poking

him playfully in the ribs. "With the reputation you

already have, what's a little thing like a murder war-

rant?"

"I didn't do it," Aahz insisted. "Not only didn't I

kill this Vic character, nobody did. He's still around

somewhere laughing down his sleeve at all of us. Now

while I'll admit my reputation isn't exactly spotless, it

doesn't include standing still for a bum rap ... or let-

ting someone get away with making a fool of me!"

"Of course, saving the money for paying the

swindlers' debts plus the fines involved has nothing to

do with it, eh, Aahz?" Chumley said, winking his larger

eye.

"Well... that, too," my partner admitted. "Isn't it

nice that we can take care of both unpleasant tasks at

the same time?"

"Maybe we could settle for just catching Vic and let

the others go," I murmured.

"How's that again, partner?"

"Nothing, Aahz," I said with a sigh. "It's just that

... nothing. C'mon everybody. If we're going to go

hunting, it's going to require a bit of planning, and I

don't think we should do it out here in the open."

Chapter Fourteen:

"Relax, Julie. Everyone will understand."

—ROMEO

FORTUNATELY, Massha's elevated position during our

flight had given her an excellent view of our surround-

ings, and we were able to find our way back to the

Dispatcher's without being discovered by the aroused

populace. Now that our numbers had increased, how-

ever, Vilhelm's greeting was noticeably cooler.

"I'm starting to believe what everybody says," the

little vampire complained. "Let one demon in, and the

next thing you know the neighborhood's crawling with

them. When I decided to talk to you folks instead of

blowing the whistle on you, I didn't figure on turning

my office into a meeting place for off-worlders."

"C'mon, Vilhelm," I said, trying to edge my foot

into the doorway. "We don't have any place else to go

in town. There aren't that many of us."

"We could always just wait out on the street until the

authorities come by," Aahz suggested. "I don't imagine

it would take much to convince them that this guy has

been harboring fugitives."

121

122 Robert Asprin

"Can it. Green and Scaly," Massha ordered, puffing

herself up to twice her normal size. "Vilhelm's been nice

to us so far. and I won't listen to anyone threaten him,

even you. Just remember that you'd still be cooling your

heels in the slammer if it weren't for him. Either he

helps of his own free will, or we look elsewhere."

Aahz gave ground before her righteous indignation.

"Are you going to let your apprentice talk to me that

way? "he demanded.

"Only when she's right." I shrugged.

"I say, Aahz," Chumley intervened. "Could you

possibly curb your normally vile manners for a few mo-

ments? We don't really need one more enemy in this di-

mension, and I, for one, would appreciate the chance to

extend my thanks to this gentleman before he throws us

out."

When he's working, Chumley goes by the name of

Big Crunch and does a Neanderthal that's the envy of

half the barbarians at the Bazaar. On his own time,

however, his polished charm has solved a lot of prob-

lems for us ... almost as many as Aahz's bluster has

gotten us into.

"Oh, come on in," the Dispatcher grumbled. "Enter

freely and of your own accord and all that. I never could

turn my back on somebody in trouble. Guess that's why

I've never traveled the other dimensions myself. They'd

eat me alive out there."

"Thanks, Vilhelm," I said, slipping past him into the

office before he could change his mind. "You'll have

to forgive my partner. He really isn't always like this.

Being on death row hasn't done much for his sense of

humor."

"I guess I'm a little edgy myself," the vampire ad-

mitted. "Strange as it sounds, I've been worried about

you folks... and your motor-mouthed friend who's

been keeping me company hasn't helped things much."

MYTH-ING PERSONS 123

I did a quick nose count of our troop.

"Wait a minute," I frowned. "Who's been waiting

for us?"

Now it was Vilhelm's turn to look surprised.

"Didn't one of you send out for a werewolf? He said

he was with you."

"Aahh! But I am! My friends, they do not know me

yet, but I shall be their salvation, no?"

With that, I was overwhelmed by a shaggy rug. Well,

at least that's what I thought until it came off the floor

and threw itself into my arms with the enthusiasm of a

puppy ... a very large puppy.

"What's that?!." Aahz said, his eyes narrowing dan-

gerously. "Skeeve, can't I leave you alone for a few

days without you picking up every stray in any given di-

mension?"

"That," in this case, was one of the scroffiest-look-

ing werewolves I'd ever seen... realizing, of course,

that until this moment I'd only seen two. He had dark

bushy eyebrows (if you'll believe that on a werewolf)

and wore a white stocking cap with a maple leaf on the

side. His whiskers were carefully groomed into a han-

dlebar mustache, and what might have been a goatee

peered from beneath his chin. Actually, viewed piece-

meal, he was very well-groomed. It's just when taken in

its entirety that he looked scroffy. Maybe it was the

leer... .

"Honest, Aahz," I protested, trying to untangle

myself. "I've never seen him before in my life!"

"Oh, but forgive me," the beast said, releasing me so

suddenly I almost fell. "I am so stupeed, I forget to in-

troduce. So! I am an artist extraordinaire, but also, I am

ze finest track-air in ze land. My friends, the Woof

Writers, they have told me of your pro-blem and I have

flown like ze wind to aid you. No? I am Pepe Le Garou

A. and I am at your service."

124

MYTH-ING PERSONS 125

Robert Asprin

With that, he swept into a low bow with a flourish

that if I hadn't been so flabbergasted I would have ap-

plauded. It occurred to me that now I knew why the

Woof Writers had snickered when they told us they

knew of someone who could help.

"Boss," Guido said, his voice muffled by his hand,

which he was holding over his nose and mouth. "Shall I

wait outside?"

Tananda cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Allergy problems? Here, try some of this. No

dimension traveler should be without it."

She produced a small vial and tossed it to my

bodyguard. "Rub some onto your upper lip just below

your nose."

"Gee, thanks," Guido said, following her instruc-

tions. "What is it?"

"It's a counter-allergenic paste." She shrugged. "I

think it has a garlic base."

"WHAT?" my bodyguard exclaimed, dropping the

vial.

Tananda favored him with one of her impish grins.

"Just kidding. Nunzio was worried about you and

told us about your allergies ... all of them."

Her brother swatted her lightly on the rump.

"Shame on you, little sister," he said, smiling in spite

of himself. "After you get done apologizing to Guido, I

suggest you do the same for our host. I think you nearly

gave him a heart attack with that last little joke."

This was, of course, just what I needed while stranded

in a hostile dimension. A nervous vampire, a melo-

dramatic werewolf, and now my teammates decide it's

time to play practical jokes on each other.

"Ummm... tell me, Mr. A.," I said, ignoring my

other problems and turning to the werewolf. "Do you

think you can...."

"No, non," he interrupted. "Eet is simply Pepe, eh?"

"Pepe A.," I repeated dutifully.

"Zat's right," he beamed, apparently delighted with

my ability to learn a simple phrase. "Now, before we

... how you say, get down to ze business, would you do

me ze hon-air of introducing me to your colleagues?"

"Oh. Sorry. This is my partner, Aahz. He's...."

"But of course! Ze famous Aahz! I have so long

wished to meet you."

If there's anything that can coax Aahz out of a bad

mood, it's flattery... and Pepe seemed to be an expert

in that category.

"You've heard of me?" he blinked. "I mean...

what exactly have you heard? There have been so many

adventures over the years."

"Do you not remem-bair Piere? I was raised from a

pup on his tales of your fight with Isstvan."

"Piere? You know Piere?"

"Do I know him? He is my uncle!"

"No kidding. Hey, Tananda! Did you hear that?

Pepe here's Piere's nephew. Wait'11 we tell Gus."

I retired from the conversation, apparently forgotten

in the reunion.

"Say, Skeeve," Vilhelm said, appearing at my side.

"It looks like this could take a while. Should I break out

the wine?"

That got my attention.

"Wine? You've got wine?"

"Stocked up on it after your last visit," the vampire

admitted with a grin. "Figured it might come in handy

the next time you came through. I may gripe a bit, but

talking to you and your friends is a lot more fun than

watching the tubes."

"Well bring it out... but I get the first glass. Unless

you've got lots there won't be much left after my part-

ner there gets his claws on it."

I turned back to the proceedings just in time to see

126 Robert Asprin

Pepe kissing my apprentice's hand.

"Do not be afraid, my little flow-air," he was saying.

"Here is one who truly appreciates your beauty, as well

as ... how should I say it, its quantity?"

"You're kinda cute," Massha giggled. "But I never

did go in much for inter-species dating, if you get my

drift."

I caught Aahz's attention and drew him away from

the group.

"Could you take over for a while here, partner?" I

said. "I've been running nonstop since the start of this

thing and could use a little time by myself to recharge

my batteries before we fire up again."

"No problem," he nodded, laying a hand on my

shoulder. "I figure we won't be moving before sunup

... and Skeeve? I haven't had a chance to say it, but

thanks for the bail-out."

"Don't mention it," I grinned weakly. "Tell me you

wouldn't do the same for me."

"Don't know," he retorted. "You've never sucker-

punched me at the beginning of a caper."

"Now that I still owe you for."

Just then, Vilhelm appeared with the wine, and Aahz

hurried away to rejoin the group.

I managed to snag a goblet and retired to a secluded

corner while the party went into high gear. Pepe seemed

to be fitting in well with the rest of the team, if not fu -

tioning as a combination jester and spark plug, but

somehow I felt a bit distant. Sipping my wine, I stared

off into the distance at nothing in particular, letting my

thoughts wander.

"What's the trouble, handsome?"

"Hmmm? Oh. Hi, Tananda. Nothing in particular.

Just a little tired, that's all."

"Mind if I join you?" she said, dropping to the floor

beside me before I could stop her. "So. Are you going

MYTH-ING PERSONS 127

to tell me about it? Who is she?"

I turned my head slowly to look at her directly.

"I beg your pardon?"

She kept her eyes averted, idly running one finger

around the rim of her goblet.

"Look," she said, "if you don't want to talk about

it, just say so ... it's really none of my business. Just

don't try to kid me or yourself that there's nothing

bothering you. I've known you a long time now, and I

can usually tell when there's something eating you. My

best guess right now, if I'm any judge of the phenom-

enon, is that it's a girl."

Ever since I'd met Tananda, I'd had a crush on her.

With her words, though, I suddenly realized how badly

I wanted someone to talk to. I mean, to Guido and

Massha I was an authority figure, and I wasn't about to

open up to Aahz until I was sure he'd take the problem

seriously and not just laugh, and as for Chumley...

how do you talk about woman problems with a troll?

"Okay. You got me," I said, looking back into my

wine. "It's a girl."

"I thought so," Tananda smiled. "Where have you

been keeping her? Tell me, is she beautiful and sen-

sitive?"

"All that and more." I nodded, taking another drink

from my goblet. "She's also on the wrong side."

"Woops," Tananda said, straightening up. "You'd

better run that one past me again."

I filled her in on my encounters with Luanna. I tried

to keep it unbiased and informative, but even I could

tell that my tones were less controlled than I would have

liked.

Tananda sat in silence for a few moments after I'd

finished, hugging her legs and with her chin propped up

on her knees.

"Well," she said at last, "from what you say, she's

128

Robert Asprin

an accomplice at best. Maybe we can let her go after we

get them all rounded up."

"Sure."

My voice was flat. Both Tananda and I knew that

once Aahz got on his high horse there was no telling

how merciful or vicious he would be at any given point.

"Well, there's always a chance," she insisted. "Aahz

has always had a soft spot where you're concerned. If

you intercede for her, and if she's willing to abandon

her partners. ..."

"... and, if a table had wings, we could fly it back to

the Bazaar." I frowned. "No, Tananda. First of all, she

won't give up her partners just because they're in a

crunch. That much I know. Besides, if I put that kind of

pressure on her, to choose between me and them, I'd

never know for sure if she really wanted me or if she was

just trying to save her own skin."

Tananda got to her feet.

"Don't become so wise that you're stupid, Skeeve,"

she said softly before she left. "Remember, Luanna's

already chosen you twice over her partners. Both times

she's risked her life and their getaway to pass you a

warning. Maybe all she needs is what you haven't yet

' given her—an invitation for a chance at a new life with a

new partner. Don't be so proud or insecure that you'd

throw a genuine admirer to the wolves rather than run

the risk of making a mistake. If you did, I don't think

I'd like you much... and I don't think you would

either."

I pondered Tananda's advice after she'd gone. There

was one additional complication I hadn't had the nerve

to mention to her. Whatever Luanna's feelings for me

were, how would they change when she found out I'd

used her scarf... her token of affection, to guide a

pack of hunters to their target?

Chapter Fifteen:

"Everybody needs a career manager!"

—LADY MACBETH

"So where is he?" Aahz grumbled for the hundredth

time ... in the last five minutes.

The sun had been up for hours, or at least as up as it

seemed to get in this dimension. Since my arrival in

Limbo, I had never seen what I am accustomed to think-

ing of as full sunlight. Whether the constant heavy over-

cast condition which seemed to prevail during daylight

hours was the result of magic or some strange meteor-

ologic condition I was never sure, but it did nothing to

alleviate the air of gloom that clung to the town of Blut

like a shroud.

The whole team was impatient to get started, but

Aahz was the only one who indulged himself in express-

ing his feelings as often ... or as loudly. Of course, it

might have been simply that he was making so much of

a fuss that the others were willing to let him provide the

noise for all of them rather than letting their own efforts

get constantly upstaged.

"Just take it easy, partner," I said soothingly, strug-

129

130

Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS

131

gling to keep from snapping at him in my own nervous

impatience. "There aren't that many all-day stores in

this dimension."

"What do you expect, dealing with a bunch of vam-

pires," he snapped. "I still don't like this idea. Non-

magical disguises seem unnatural somehow."

I heaved a quiet sigh inside and leaned back to wait,

propping my feet up on a chair. This particular quarrel

was old before Vilhelm had left on his shopping trip,

and I was tired going over it again and again.

"Be reasonable, Aahz," Tananda said, taking up the

slack for me. "You know we can't wander around town

like this... especially you with half the city looking for

you. We need disguises, and without a decent power

source, Skeeve here can't handle disguises for all of us.

Besides, it's not like we're using mechanical magic. We

won't be using magic at all."

"That's what everybody keeps telling me," my part-

ner growled. "We're just going to alter our appearances

without using spells. That sounds like mechanical magic

to me. Do you know what's going to happen to our

reputations if word of this gets back to the Bazaar? Par-

ticularly with most of the competition looking for a

chance to splash a little mud on the Great Skeeve's

name? Remember, we're already getting complaints

that our prices are too high, and if this gets out...."

The light dawned. I could finally see what was eating

at Aahz. I should have known there was money at the

bottom of this.

"But Aahz," I chimed in, "our fees are overpriced.

I've been saying that for months. I mean, it's not like we

need the money...."

". .. and I've been telling you for months that it's the

only way to keep the riff-raff from draining away all

your practice time," he shot back angrily. "Remember,

your name's supposed to be the Great Skeeve, not the

Red Cross. You don't do charity."

Now we were on familiar ground. Unlike the disguise

thing, this was one argument I never tired of.

"I'm not talking about charity," I said. "I'm talking

about a fair fee for services rendered."

"Fair fee?" my partner laughed, rolling his eyes.

"You mean like that deal you cut with Watzisname?

Did he ever tell you about that one, Tananda? We catch

a silly bird for this Deveel, see, and my partner charges

him a flat fee. Not a percentage, mind you, a flat fee.

And how much of a flat fee? A hundred gold pieces? A

thousand. No. TEN. Ten lousy gold pieces. And half an

hour later the Deveel sells his 'poor little bird' for over a

hundred thousand. Nice to know we don't do charity,

isn't it?"

"C'mon, Aahz," I argued, writhing inside. "That

was only five minutes' work. How was I supposed to

know the silly bird was on the endangered species list?

Even .you thought it was a good deal until we heard what

the final sale was. Besides, if I had held out for a per-

centage and the Deveel had been legit and never sold the

thing, we wouldn't have even gotten ten gold pieces out

of it."

"I never heard the details from your side," Tananda

said, "but what I picked up on the streets was that

everybody at the Bazaar was really impressed. Most

folks think that it's a master-stroke of PR for the hot-

test magician at the Bazaar to help bring a rarity to the

public for a mere fraction of his normal fees. It shows

he's something other than a cold-hearted businessman

... that he really cares about people."

"So what's wrong with being a cold-hearted busi-

nessman?" Aahz snorted. "How about the other guy?

Everybody thinks he's a villain, and he's crying all the

way to the bank. He retired on the profit from that one

sale alone."

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Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 133

"Unless Nanny misled me horribly when she taught

me my numbers," Chumley interrupted, "I figure your

current bankroll could eat that fellow's profit and still

have room for lunch. Any reason you're so big on squir-

reling away so much gold, Aahz? Are you planning on

retiring?"

"No, I'm not planning on retiring," my partner

snapped. "And you're missing the point completely.

Money isn't the object."

"It isn't?"

I think everybody grabbed that line at the same time

... even Pepe, who hadn't known Aahz all that long.

"Of course not. You can always get more gold. What

can't be replaced is time. We all know Skeeve here has a

long way to go in the magic department. What the rest

of you keep forgetting is how short a life span he has to

play with... maybe a hundred years if he's lucky. All

I'm trying to do is get him the maximum learning time

possible... and that means keeping him from using up

mos,t of his time on nickel-and-dime adventures. Let the

smalltime operators do those. My partner shouldn't

have to budge away from his studies unless the assign-

ment is something really spectacular. Something that

will advance his reputation and his career."

There was a long silence while everybody digested

that one, especially me. Since Aahz had accepted me as

a full partner instead of an apprentice, I tended to for-

get his role as my teacher and career manager. Thinking

back now, I could see he had never really given up the

work, just gotten sneakier. I wouldn't have believed

that was possible.

"How about this particular nickel-and-dime adven-

ture?" Tananda said, breaking the silence. "You know,

pulling your tail out of a scrape? Isn't this a little low-

brow for the kind of legend you're trying to build?"

The sarcasm in her voice was unmistakable, but it

didn't phase Aahz in the least.

"If you'll ask around, you'll find out that I didn't

want him along on this jaunt at all. In fact, I knocked

him cold trying to keep him out. A top-flight magician

shouldn't have to stoop to bill collecting, especially

when the risk is disproportionately high."

"Well, it all sounds a little cold-blooded for my taste,

Aahz," Chumley put in. "If you extend your logic, our

young friend here is only going to work when the danger

is astronomically high, and conversely if the advance-

ment to his career is enough, no risk is too great. That

sounds to me like a sure-fire way to lose a partner and a

friend. Like the Geek says, if you keep bucking the

odds, sooner or later they're going to catch up with

you."

My partner spun to confront the troll nose-to-nose.

"Of course it's going to be dangerous," he snarled.

"The magic profession isn't for the faint of heart, and

to hit the top he's going to have to be hair-triggered and

mean. There's no avoiding that, but I can try to be sure

he's ready for it. Why do you think I've been so dead-

set against him having bodyguards? If he starts relying

on other people to watch out for him, he's going to lose

the edge himself. That's when he's in danger of walking

into a swinging door."

That brought Guido into the fray.

"Now let me see if I've got this right," my bodyguard

said. "You don't want me and my cousin Nunzio

around so that the Boss here can handle all the trouble

himself? That's crazy talk, know what I mean? Now

listen to me, 'cause this time I know what I'm sayin'.

The higher someone gets on the ladder, the more folks

come huntin' for his head. even if they don't do nothin'

they got people gunning for them, 'cause they got power

and respect and there's always somebody who thinks

they can steal it. Now I've seen some of the Big Guys

134

Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 135

who try to act just like you're sayin'... they're so

scared all the time they don't trust nothin' or nobody.

The only one they can count on is themselves, and

everybody else is suspect. That includes total strangers,

their own bodyguards, their friends, and their partners.

Think about that for a minute."

He leaned back and surveyed the room, addressing

his next comments to everyone.

"People like that don't last long. They don't trust

nobody, so they got nobody. Ya can't do everything

alone and sooner or later they're lookin' the wrong way

or asleep when they should be watchin' and it's all over.

Now I've done a lot of jobs as a bodyguard, and they

were just jobs, know what I mean? The Boss here is dif-

ferent, and I'm not just sayin' that. He's the best man

I've met in my whole life because he likes people and

ain't afraid to show it. More important, he ain't afraid

to risk his neck to help somebody even if it isn 't in his

best interest. I work double hard for him because I

don't want to see anything happen to him ... and if that

means comin' along on weird trips like this, then that's

the way it is. Anybody that wants to hurt him is gonna

have to come through me ... and that includes fightin'

any of you if you want to try to turn him into somethin'

he isn't and doesn't want to be."

Massha broke in with a loud clapping of her hands.

"Bravo, Guido," she said. "I think your problem,

Green and Scaly, is that your idea of success is out of

step with everyone else's. We all want to see good things

happen for Skeeve, here, but we also like him just the

way he is. We've got enough faith in his good sense to

back him in whatever move he makes in his develop-

ment... without trying to frog-march or trick him up a

specific path."

Aahz not only gave ground before this onslaught of

protest, he seemed to shrink in a little on himself.

"I like him too," he mumbled. "I've known him

longer than any of you, remember? He's doing fine, but

he could be so much more. How can he choose a path if

he can't see it? All I'm trying to do is set him up to be

bigger than I ... than we could ever think of being

ourselves. What's wrong with that?"

Despite my irritation at having my life discussed as if

I weren't in the room, I was quite touched, by my

friends' loyal defense of me, and most of all by Aahz.

"You know, partner," I said softly, "for a minute

there, you sounded just like my father. He wanted me to

be the best... or more specifically, to be better than he

was. My mom always tried to tell me that it was because

he loved me, but at that time it just sounded like he was

always being critical. Maybe she was right... I'm more

inclined to believe it today than I was then, but then

again, I'm older now. If nothing else, I've had to try to

tell people I love them when the words just won't come

. .. and gotten upset with myself when they couldn't see

it when I tried to show them.

"Aahz, I appreciate your concern and I want your

guidance. You're right, there are paths and options I

can't even comprehend yet. But I also have to choose

my own way. I want to be better eventually than I am

today, but not necessarily the best. I think Guide's

right, there's a big price tag attached to being at the top,

and I'd want to think long and hard if I wanted to pay it

... even if I was convinced I could, which I'm not. I do

know that if it means giving up the trust I have in you

and everybody else in this room, I'll settle for being a

nickel-and-dime operator. That price I'll never pay will-

ingly."

Silence started to descend again as each of us re-

treated into his or her own thoughts, then the werewolf

bounded into the middle of the assemblage.

"But what is this, eh?" he demanded. "Surely this

136

Robert Asprin

cannot be ze great team of Aahz and Skeeve, ze ones

who can laugh at any dan-gair? "

"You know, Pepe," Aahz said warningly, "you've

got a great future as a stuffed head."

"My head?" The werewolf blinked. "But she is not

... oohh. I see now. You make ze joke, eh? Good. Zat

is more like it."

"... and as far as laughing at danger goes," I joined

in, determined to hold up my end of the legend, "the

only danger I see here is dying of boredom. Where is

Vilhelm anyway?"

"I know you and Aahz are fond of each other,

Skeeve," Chumley yawned, "but you've got to spend

more time with other people. You're starting to sound

like him. Maybe you can tag along the next time I have

an assignment."

"Over my dead body," my partner said. "Besides,

what could he learn from a troll that I couldn't teach

him myself?"

"J could teach him not to catch birds for Deveels for

ten gold pieces," the troll grinned, winking at his sister.

"That seems to be a part of his education you've ne-

glected."

"Izzat so!" my partner bristled. "You're going to

teach him about price setting? How about the time you

set your own sister up to steal an elephant without

bothering to check...."

. And they were off again. As I listened, I found myself

reflecting on the fact that while it was nice to know the

depths of my friends' feelings about me, it was far more

comfortable when they managed to conceal it under a

cloak of banter. For the most part, open sincerity is

harder to take than friendly laughter.

Chapter Sixteen:

"Don't be fooled by appearances."

—MALLOY

THINGS were pretty much back to normal by the time

Vilhelm returned with our disguises... which was a

good thing as the process of masking-up proved to be a

test of everybody's sense of humor.

Until I had hooked up with Aahz, I had never had oc-

casion to pretend I was anyone but myself. As such, I

had no way of knowing how long it took to don a

physical disguise without resorting to magic. By the time

we were done, I had a new respect for the skills I had

learned, not to mention a real longing for a dimension

... any dimension with a strong force line to work with.

Tananda was a major help, her experiences with the

assassin's guild came into play and she took the lead in

trying to coach us into our new roles.

"Guido, straighten up!" she commanded, exaspera-

tion creeping into her voice. "You walk like a gang-

ster."

"I am a gangster!" my bodyguard snarled back.

137

138 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 139

"Besides, what's wrong with the way I walk? It got us to

the jail, didn't it?"

"Half the town wasn't looking for you then," Ta-

nanda argued. "Besides, then you could pick your own

route. We don't know where the opposition's holed up.

We're going to have to walk through crowds on this

hunt, and that walk just doesn't make it. Ninety percent

of costuming is learning to move like the character

you're trying to portray. Right now you move like

you're looking for a fight."

"Try walking like Don Bruce," I suggested. "He's a

gangster, too."

That earned me a black look, but my bodyguard tried

to follow my instructions, rising up on the balls of his

feet and mincing along.

"Better," Tananda said, leaving Guido prancing up

and down the room with a scowl on his face.

"How are we doing?"

"Lousy," she confided in me. "This is taking a lot

longer, than it should. I wish there were more mirrors in

this place... heck, any mirrors would be nice."

It hadn't been until we started gearing up that we real-

ized the Dispatcher had no mirrors at all. He claimed

they weren't popular or necessary among vampires.

This left us with the unenviable job of checking each

others' make-up and costumes, a chore which would

have been Homeric even if less sensitive egos were in-

volved.

"How're my teeth?" Massha demanded, sticking her

head in front of me and opening her mouth.

It was like staring into the depths of an underground

cave.

"Umm ... the left side is okay, but you're still miss-

ing a few on the right. Hang on a second and I'll give

you a hand."

Teeth were turning out to be a special problem. We

had hoped to find some of the rubber fangs so prevalent

in the Bazaar novelty stores to aid in our disguises. Un-

fortunately, none of the shops in Blut had them. The

closest thing they had in stock, according to Vilhelm,

were rubber sets of human teeth designed to fit over

fangs. The vampire assured us that locally they were

considered quite frightening. Faced by this unforeseen

shortage, we were resorting to using tooth-black to

blacken all our teeth except the canines for a close ap-

proximation of the vampires we were trying to imitate.

When we tried it out, it wasn't a bad effect, but the ac-

tual application was causing countless problems. When

one tried to apply the stuff on oneself without a mirror,

it was difficult to get the right teeth, and if one called on

one's friends for assistance, one rapidly found that said

friend was soon possessed by an overpowering impulse

to paint one's tongue black instead of the teeth.

"I don't like this cloak," Guido announced, grabbing

my arm. "I want to wear my trench coat."

"Vampires don't wear trench coats," I said firmly.

"Besides, the cloak really looks great on you. Makes

you look ... I don't know, debonair but menacing."

"Yeah?" he retorted skeptically, craning his neck to

try to see himself.

"You think you've got problems?" Massha burst in.

"Look at what I'm supposed to wear! I'll trade your

cloak for this rig any day."

As you might have noticed, the team was having more

than a little difficulty adapting to their disguises.

Massha in particular was rebelling against her costume.

After having been floated over our escape like a bal-

loon over a parade, we feared that she would be one of

the most immediately recognizable of our group. As

such, we not only dyed her garish orange hair, we in-

140

Robert Asprin

sisted that her new costume cover as much of her as pos-

sible. To this end, Vilhelm had found a dress he called a

"moo-moo," a name which did nothing toward endear-

ing the garment to my apprentice.

"I mean, really. High Roller," she said, backing me

toward a corner. "Isn't it bad enough that half the

town's seen me as a blimp? Tell me I don't have to be a

cow now."

"Honest, Massha," Vilhelm put in. "The style is

fairly popular here in Blut. A lot of the ladies wear it

who are ... that is, are a bit...."

"Fat!?"

She loomed over the little vampire.

"Is that the word you're groping for, Short and

About To Become Extinct?"

"Let's face it, dear," Tananda said, coming to the

rescue. "You are carrying a little extra weight there.

Believe me, if there's one time you can't kid yourself

about your body, it's when you're donning costumes. If

anything, that outfit makes you look a little slimmer."

"Don't try to kid a kidder, sweetie," Massha sighed.

"But you're right about the costuming thing. This thing

is so drab, though. First I'm a blimp, and now I'm an

army tent."

"Now that I'll agree with," Tananda nodded. "Trust

a man to find a drab mu-mu. Tell you what. There's a

scarf I was going to use for a belt, but maybe you could

wear it around your neck."

I was afraid that last crack would touch off another

explosion, but Massha took it as a helpful suggestion

and the two of them went off in search of other possible

adornments.

"Got a minute, partner?"

From the tone of Aahz's voice, I knew the moment I

had been dreading had arrived.

MYTH-ING PERSONS 141

Chumley didn't have to worry about a disguise at all,

as trolls were not uncommon in this dimension. Ta-

nanda also insisted that she looked enough like a vam-

pire to pass with only minimal modifications. I hadn't

seen any vampires withgreen hair, but she claimed that

she had, so, as always, I yielded to her greater ex-

perience in these matters. I was also on the "minimal

disguise" list, everyone agreeing that no one in Blut had

gotten enough of a look at me to fix the image in their

mind. While I wasn't wild about being so unmemorable,

I went along with it ... especially when I saw what

Guido and Massha were going through. The problems

with those two notables have already been mentioned:

troublesome, but not insurmountable. Then there was

Aahz....

"Is there something wrong?" I asked innocently.

"You bet your dragon there's something wrong!" my

partner snarled. "And don't try to play innocent with

me! It didn't work when you were my apprentice, and it

sure isn't going to work now."

Aahz's disguise had presented us with some knotty

problems. Not only was he the most wanted member of

our party, he was also easily the most distinctive. After

the trial and his time in jail, it was doubtful that there

was a single citizen of Blut who wouldn't recognize him

on sight. I mean, there just aren't that many scaly green

demons wandering around any dimension... except

possibly his home dimension of Perv. It was therefore

decided... almost unanimously... that not only

would we change my partner's color with make-up, but

that it would also be necessary to change his sex.

"Does this, perchance, have something to do with

your disguise?" I inquired, trying to keep a straight

face.

"Yes, it has something to do with my disguise," he

142

Robert Asprin

mimicked, "and, so help me, partner or no, if you let

that smile get away, I'll punch your lights out. Under-

stand?"

With a great effort I sucked my cheeks in and bit my

lower lip.

"Seriously, though," he said, almost pleading, "a

joke's a joke, but you don't really expect me to go out in

public looking like this, do you?"

In addition to the aforementioned make-up, Aahz's

disguise required a dress and a wig. Because of the size

of his head (a problem Vilhelm had wisely down-played

as much as possible) the selection of wigs available had

been understandably small. In fact, the only available in

his size was a number called "Lady Go-GoDiva," which

involved a high blonde beehive style offset by a long

ponytail that hung down to his knees. Actually, the

ponytail turned out to be a blessing in disguise, as the

dark blue dress Vilhelm had selected for my partner

turned out to have an exceptionally low neckline, and

the hair draped over his shoulder helped hide the prob-

lem we had had finding ample or suitable material to

stuff his bosom with.

"As my wise old mentor once told me when I was

faced with a similar dilemma," I said sagely, "what

does it matter what people think of you? They aren't

supposed to know it's you, anyway. That's the whole

idea of a disguise."

"But this get-up is humiliating!"

"My words precisely when someone else I could name

deemed it necessary for me to dress up as a girl, remem-

ber?"

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" Aahz glowered,

peering at me suspiciously.

"Well, there are a couple of other options," I ad-

mitted.

MYTH-ING PERSONS 143

"That's more like it!" he grinned, reaching for his

wig.

"You could stay behind. ..."

His hand stopped just short of its mission.

"... or we could forget the whole thing and pay the

fine ourselves."

The hand retreated as my partner's shoulders sagged

in defeat. I felt no joy at the victory. If anything, I had

been half hoping he would be embarrassed enough to

take me up on my suggestion of abandoning the project.

I should have known better. When there's money in-

volved, it takes more than embarrassment to throw

Aahz off the scent....hether the embarrassment is his

own or someone else's.

"All right, everybody,"- I called, hiding my disap-

pointment. "Are we ready to go?"

"Remember your sunglasses!" Tananda added.

That was the final touch to our disguises. To hide our

non-red eyes, each of us donned a pair of sunglasses.

Surveying the final result, I had to admit that aside from

Tananda and Chumley, we didn't look like us. Exactly

what we did look like I wouldn't venture to say, but we

sure didn't look like usi

"Okay," Aahz chimed in, his discomfort apparently

behind him. "Does everyone have their marching

orders? Vilhelm? Are you sure you can track us on that

thing?"

"No problem," the little vampire nodded. "When

things get slow around here I use this rig to do a little

window peeking right here in town. Covering the streets

is even easier."

"Remember," I told him, "watch for our signal.

When we catch up with this Vic character, we're going

to want you to get some responsible local witnesses there

chop-chop."

144

Robert Asprin

"Well now," Aahz grinned evilly, "you don't have to

be too quick about it. I wouldn't mind having a little

time alone with him before we turn him over to the

authorities."

My heart sank a little. Aahz sounded determined to

exact a bit of vengeance out of this hunt, and I wasn't at

all sure he would restrict himself to Vic when it came

time to express his ire.

I think Tananda noticed my concern.

"Ease up a little, Aahz," she said casually. "I don't

mind helping you out of a tight spot, but count me out

when it comes to excessive force for the sake of venge-

ance. It lacks class."

"Since when did you worry about excessive vio-

lence?" Aahz growled, then shrugged his acceptance.

"Okay. But maybe we'll get lucky. Maybe he'll resist ar-

rest."

I was still worried, but realized that that was about

the most restraint I would get out of my partner.

."Now that that's settled," I said, producing Lu-

anna's scarf, "Pepe, take a whiff of this."

"Enchanting," he smiled, nuzzling the piece of cloth.

"A young lady, no? Eef ze body is as good as ze aroma,

I will follow her to the end of ze world whether you ac-

company me or not."

I resisted an impulse to wrap the scarf around his

neck and pull.

"All right, everybody," I said, retrieving the scarf

and tucking it back into my tunic in what I hoped was a

casual manner. "Let's go catch us a renegade vampire."

Chapter Seventeen:

"The trail's got to be 'round here some-

where!"

—D. BOONE

IT was only a few hours short of sunset as we set out on

our quest, a nagging reminder of exactly how long our

efforts at physical disguise had taken. We had agreed to

avoid following Pepe as a group so as not to attract at-

tention. Instead, we moved singly or in groups of two,

using both sides of the street and deliberately walking at

different paces. The faster walkers averaged their prog-

ress with the slower by occasionally stopping to look

into shop windows, thereby keeping our group together

without actually appearing to. Tananda pointed out

that not only would this procedure lessen our chances of

being noticed, but also that it would maximize our

chances for at least some of the group's escape if one of

us should be discovered ... a truly comforting thought.

Even though Luanna had claimed to have been

watching for us at the Dispatcher's, it had been so long

ago I fully expected her scent would have long since

dissipated or at least been masked by the passage of

145

146

MYTH-ING PERSONS 147

Robert Asprin

numerous others. As such, I was moderately surprised

when the werewolf signaled almost immediately that he

had found the trail and headed off with a determined

air. Either her scent was stronger than I had thought, or

I bad grossly underestimated Pepe's tracking ability.

The trail wound up and down the cobblestoned

streets, and we followed as quickly as we could without

abandoning our pretense of being casual strollers who

did not know each other. For a while, our group made

up the majority of the beings visible, causing me to

doubt the effectiveness of our ruse, but soon the vam-

pires began to emerge to indulge their taste for the

nightlife and we became much less obvious.

I was paired up with Chumley, but the troll was

strangely quiet as we made our way along. At first I

thought he was simply concentrating on keeping the

werewolf in sight, but as time wore on, I found the

silence somehow unnerving. I had always respected

Chumley as being one of the saner, leveler heads among

our motley assemblage, and I was starting to have an

uneasy impression that he was not wholeheartedly be-

hind this venture.

"Is there something bothering you, Chumley?" I

asked at last.

"Hmmm? Oh. Not really, Skeeve. I was just think-

ing."

"About that?"

The troll let out a small sigh.

"I was just contemplating our adversary, this Vic

fellow. You know, from what's been said, he's quite

resourceful in a devious sort of way."

That took me a little aback. So far I had considered

our vampire foe to be everything from an annoyance to

a nemesis. The idea of studying his methods had never

entered my mind.

"What leads you to that conclusion?"

The troll pursed his lips as he organized his thoughts.

"Consider what he's accomplished so far. The entire

time we've known of him, he's been on the run... first

from the Deveels, and then from Aahz, who's no slouch

'Sti^wnn.ing people once he sets his mind to it. Now,

assuming for the moment that Vic is actually the brains

of the group, he was quick enough to take advantage of

being left alone in your waiting room to escape out the

back door. He couldn't have planned that in advance,

even knowing about the door. He probably had some

other plan in mind, and formulated this new course of

action on the spot."

We paused for a moment to let a small group of vam-

pires cross the intersection in front of us.

"Now, that would have sufficed for an escape in most

instances, but they happened to pick an exit route that

left you and Aahz responsible, which set your partner

on their trail," Chumley continued. "With nothing to

go on but your reputations. Vic not only correctly

deduced that he would be followed, but he also man-

aged to spot Aahz's weakness and exploit it to frame

him and make it stick... again, not the easiest task,

particularly realizing it involved convincing and coach-

ing his two accomplices in their roles."

All of this was doing nothing for my peace of mind. I

was having enough difficulty forcing myself to believe

that we were really hunting a vampire, the sort of crea-

ture 1 normally avoid at all costs, without having to deal

with the possibility that he was shrewd and resourceful

as well. Still, I had learned that ignoring unpleasant

elements of a caper was perhaps the worst way to pre-

pare for them.

"Keep going," I urged.

"Well," the troll sighed, "when you stumbled on his

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Robert Asprin

hiding place at the Woof Writers, he didn't panic. He

waited to hear as much of your plans as possible, all the

while taking advantage of the opportunity to assess you

first-hand, then timed his escape so as to catch you all

flat-footed."

I digested this distasteful addition to the rapidly

growing data file. "Do you really think he was sizing me

up?"

"There's no doubt in my mind. Not only was he

gauging your skills and determination, he was successful

enough at second-guessing you, based on the results of

his studies, to be waiting to sound the alarm when you

busted Aahz out of jail. ... a particularly bold move

when one realizes that he was running the risk of being

recognized, which would have blown his frame-up of

your partner."

"Bold or desperate," I said thoughtfully. "That's

probably why he waited until we had actually sprung

Aahz and were on the way down before he blew the

whistle. If we had gotten away unscathed, then the

frame would be useless, so at that point he really wasn't

risking anything."

"Have it your way," the troll shrugged. "The final

analysis remains that we have one tough nut to crack.

One can only wonder what he will do when we catch up

with him this time."

"If he's performing up to par, it could be rough on

us."

Chumley shot me a sidelong glance.

"Actually, I was thinking it could be rough on your

lady fair ... if he has managed to observe the feelings

you have for her."

I started to protest, then the impact of his theory hit

me and my embarrassment gave way to concern.

"Is it really that apparent? Do you think he could

MYTH-ING PERSONS 149

spot it? If so, he might already have done something to

Luanna for having contacted us."

"It stands out all over you to anyone who knows

you," Chumley said, shaking his head. "As for some-

one watching you for the first time ... I just don't

know. He'd be more likely to deduce it from the in-

formation you had... such as his name. That kind of

data had to come from somewhere, though there's an

outside chance that with your current reputation he'll

assume that you gleaned it by some magical source."

I barely heard him. My mind was focused on the

possibility that Luanna might be hurt, and that I might

indirectly have been the cause. A black well of guilt was

rising up to swallow me, when I felt a hand on my

shoulder.

"Don't tune out now, Skeeve," Chumley was saying,

shaking me slightly. "First of all, we're going to need

you shortly. Secondly, even if Vic's figured out that

you're in love with her, I don't think he'll have hurt her.

If anything, he'll save her for a trump card to use

against us."

I drew a deep ragged breath.

"... and he'll be just the bastard to do it, too," I

said. "I don't know what I'll be able to do, for us or for

her, but I'll be ready to try. Thanks, Chumley."

The troll was studying me closely.

"Actually, I wasn't thinking that he was such a

blighter," he said. "More like a clever, resourceful per-

son who's gotten in over his head and is trying his best

to ad-lib his way out. Frankly, Skeeve old boy, in many

ways he reminds me of you. You might think about that

when attempting to appraise his likely courses of action

and how to counter them."

I tried again to weigh what he was saying, but all I

could think about was what the consequences of this

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Robert Asprin

hunt could mean to Luanna. It was difficult enough for

me to accept that we would have to force Luanna and

her cohorts to answer to the authorities for their in-

discretions, but the thought of placing her in physical

danger was unbearable.

I looked around for Aahz, fully intending to put an

end to this hunt once and for all. To my surprise, the

rest of the group was assembled on the corner ahead,

and my partner was beckoning us to join them.

"What's going on?" I asked, almost to myself.

"Just off-hand," Chumley replied, "I'd say we've

reached our destination."

A cold wave of fear washed over me, and I hurried to

the rendezvous with Chumley close behind.

"We're in luck," Aahz announced as I arrived.

"Guido here says he saw Vic entering the building just

as we got here. It's my guess they're all inside right

now."

"Aahz, I—I want us to quit right now," I blurted,

painfully aware of how weak it sounded.

"Oh?" my partner said, cocking an eyebrow at me.

. "Any particular reason?"

I licked my lips, feeling the eyes of the whole group

on me.

"Only one. I'm in love with one of the fugitives...

the girl."

"Yeah. Now tell me something I didn't know," Aahz

smirked, winking at me.

"You knew?"

"All of us knew. In fact, we were just discussing it.

Remember, we all know you... and me probably best

of all. It's already been pretty much decided to let your

love-light go. Think of it as a present from us to you.

The other two are ours."

Five minutes ago, that would have made me deliri-

MYTH-ING PERSONS 151

ously happy. Now, it only seemed to complicate things.

"But Chumley was just saying that there's a chance

they might hurt her if they find out she helped us," I ex-

plained desperately. "Can't we just let them all go?"

"Not a chance, partner," Aahz said firmly. "In addi-

tion to our original reasons, you've just mentioned the

new one. Your girlfriend could be in trouble, and the

only way to be sure she's safe is to remove her partners

.. .Fast."

"Believe him, Skeeve," Tananda urged. "It may not

be nice, but it's the best way."

"Really, Boss," Guido said quietly. "Unless we fin-

ish this thing here and now, you're never goin' to know

if she's safe, know what I mean?"

That almost made sense, but I was still worried. "I

don't know, Aahz. ..."

"Well I do," my partner snapped. "And the longer

we stand down here, the more chance there is that

they'll either get away or set up a trap. If you're uncer-

tain, stay down here ... in fact, that's not a bad idea.

Massha, you stay down here with him in case they try to

bolt out this way. While you're waiting, watch for the

witnesses that Vilhelm's supposed to be sending along.

Tananda, you and Chumley and Guido come along with

me. This is a job for experienced hard-cases. Pepe, we

appreciate your help, but this isn't really your fight."

"But of course." The werewolf grinned. "Besides, I

am a lo-var, not a figh-tar. I will wait here to see the

finale, eh?"

"But Aahz.. .."

"Really, partner, you'll be more help down here. This

isn't your kind of fight, and we need someone to deal

with the witnesses. You're good at that kind of thing."

"I was going to ask if you had given the signal to

Vilhelm."

152 Robert Asprin

"S'ignal?" Aahz blinked. "How's this for a signal?!"

With that, he tore off his wig and threw it on the

ground, followed closely by his dress.

"Think he'll get the message? Besides, no way am I

going to try to fight in that get-up."

"Now you're talkin'!" Guido crowed.

In a flash he had discarded his cloak and was pulling

on his now-familiar trench coat.

"Where did that come from?" I demanded.

"Had it with me all the time," the bodyguard said

smugly. "It would have been like leaving an old friend

behind."

"Well, if you and your old friend are ready," Ta-

nanda murmured, "we'd better get started.

"Itching for action?" Aahz grinned.

"No. More like eager to get off the street," she said.

"Since you boys have shown your true colors, we're

starting to draw a crowd."

Sure enough, the vampires on the street had ceased

whatever they had been doing before and were gathering

in knots, whispering together and pointing at our group.

"Umm... we'd better finish this fast," Aahz said,

shooting a nervous glance around. "All right, gang.

Let's go for the gusto!"

"Go for the what?" I asked, but they were already on

their way into the building.

I noticed they were all moving faster than normal. I

also noticed that Massha, Pepe, and I were the only

ones left on the street... and now the crowd was point-

ing at us!

Chapter Eighteen:

"I didn't come all this way to sit out the

fight!"

—R. BALBOA

"WHAT'S going on?"

I looked around to find that one of the vampires had

detached himself from his group of friends and was ad-

dressing me directly.

"Beats me," Massha interceded. "A bunch of off-

worlder types just took off into that building with blood

in their eyes. I'm waiting to see what happens next."

"Far out," the vampire breathed, peering toward the

structure. "I haven't seen that many off-worlders in one

place except in the flickers. Wasn't one of them that

escaped murderer, Aahz?"

I really didn't want this character to join our little

group. While our disguises seemed to be holding up

under casual inspection, I was pretty sure that pro-

longed close scrutiny would reveal not only the non-

local nature of Massha and myself, but also the fact that

we were trying to hide it.

"You may be right," I said, playing a hunch. "If so,

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Robert Asprin

154

it's a good thing you happened along. We're going to

need all the help we can get."

"Help? Help for what?"

"Why to catch the murderer, of course. We can't let

him get away again. I figure it's our duty to stop him

ourselves or at least slow him up until the authorities ar-

rive."

"We? You mean the three of you? You're going to

try to stop a murderer all by yourselves?"

"Four of us now that you're here."

The vampire started backing away.

"Ummm... actually I've got to get back to my

friends. We're on our way to a party. Sorry I can't help,

but I'll spread the word that you're looking for vol-

unteers, okay?"

"Hey, thanks," I called as if I believed him. "We'll

be right here."

By the time I had finished speaking, he had disap-

peared into the crowd. Mission accomplished.

"Nicely done, my friend," Pepe murmured. "He

does not, how you say, want to get involved, no?"

"That's right," I said, my eyes "on the building again.

"And to tell you the truth, I'm not too wild about the

idea either. What do you think, Massha? It's awfully

quiet in there."

"I'll say," my apprentice agreed. "I'm just trying to

figure out if that's a good or a bad sign. Another ten

minutes and I'm heading in there to check it out my-

self."

I nodded my consent, even though I doubted she saw

it. We both had our eyes glued to the building, mem-

orizing its every detail.

It was a four-story structure ... or it would be if it

weren't for the curved peak that jutted out from the

roof fully half-again as high as the main building. It

MYTH-ING PERSONS 155

looked as if the builder had suddenly added the adorn-

ment in a last-minute attempt to have his work stand as

tall or taller than its neighbors. From the number of

windows in the main structure, I guessed it was an

apartment building or a hotel or something. In short, it

looked like it had a lot of little rooms. I found myself

wondering exactly how our strike force was supposed to

locate their target without kicking in every door in the

place ... a possibility I wouldn't put past Aahz.

I was about to express this fear to Massha when a

loud crash sounded from within.

"What was that?" I demanded of no one in par-

ticular.

"Sounded like a loud crash," my apprentice supplied

helpfully.

I forced myself to remember 'that no one out here

knew any more about what was going on inside than I

did.

After the crash, everything was quiet once more. I

tried to tell myself that the noise might have nothing at

all to do with the strike force, but I didn't believe it for a

minute. The crowd was talking excitedly to each other

and straining to see the various windows. They seemed

quite confident that something else would happen soon,

much more than I, but then again, maybe as city dwel-

lers they were more accustomed to such vigils than I.

Suddenly, Tananda appeared in the doorway.

"Did they come out this way?" she called.

"No one's been in or out since you went in," I re-

sponded.

She swore and started to re-enter the building.

"What happened?" I shouted desperately.

"We nailed one of them, but Vic got away. He's loose

in the building somewhere, and he's got the girl with

him."

156 Robert Asprin

MYTH-ING PERSONS

157

With that, she disappeared before I could make any

further inquiries.

Terrific.

"Exciting, eh?" Pepe said. "I tell you, I could watch

such a chase for hours."

"Well, I can't," I snapped. "I've had it with sitting

on the sidelines. Massha? I'm going in there. Want to

come?"

"I dunno. Hot Stuff. I'd like to, but somebody

should be here to plug this escape route."

"Fine. You wait here, and I'll...."

I turned to enter the building and bumped headlong

intoVilhelm.

"What are you doing here?" I demanded, not really

caring.

The Dispatcher shook his head slightly to clear it.

Being smaller, he had gotten the worse ofour collision.

"I'm here with the witnesses, remember? I was sup-

posed to bring them."

, "You were supposed to send them. Oh well, where

are they?"

"Right here," he said, gesturing to a sullen group of

vampires standing behind him. "This is Kirby, and

Paul, and Richard, and Adele, and Scott... some of

the most respected citizens in town. Convince them and

you're home free."

Looking at the group, I suddenly realized how Aahz

had ended up on death row. If the jury had been any-

thing like these specimens, they would have hung their

own mothers for jaywalking. While I didn't relish the

thought of trying to convince them of anything, I found

myself being very glad I didn't have to deal with them

on a regular basis.

"Okay. So we're here," the one identified as Kirby

growled. "Just what is it we're supposed to be wit-

nessing? If this is one of your cockamamie deals, Vil-

helm...."

I interrupted simply by taking my sunglasses off and

opening my eyes wide, displaying their whites. The bad

reputation of humans in this dimension was sufficient to

capture their undivided attention.

"Perhaps you recall a certain murder trial that took

place not too long ago?" I said, trying to work the

toothblack off with my tongue. "Well, the convicted

murderer who escaped is my partner, and right now he's

inside that building. He and a few of our friends are

about to show you one surprisingly lively corpse...

specifically the fellow that my partner is supposed to

have killed. I trust that will be sufficient to convince you

of his innocence?"

While the vampires were taken aback by my presence

in their midst, they recovered quickly. Like I said, they

were real hard cases and didn't stay impressed very

long.

"So how much time is this going to take?" Kirby said

impatiently. "I'm giving up my sleep for this, and I

don't get much of it."

That was a good question, so, not having an answer, I

stalled.

"You sleep nights? I thought...."

"I'm a day owl," the vampire waved. "It's easier to

get my work done when the phone isn't ringing every

five minutes... which usually means waiting until

everyone else is asleep. But we're getting off the subject.

The bottom line is that my time is valuable, and the

same holds true for my colleagues. If you think we're

going to just stand around here until...."

There was a sudden outcry from the crowd, and we all

looked to find them talking excitedly and pointing up at

the roof.

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Robert Asprin

A figure had emerged, fighting to pick his way across

the steeply sloped surface while dragging a struggling

girl by one arm.

Vic!

This was the first time I had gotten a clear look at my

foe, and I was moderately surprised. He was younger

than I had expected, barely older than myself, and in-

stead of a menacing cloak, he was sporting a white

turtleneck and sunglasses. It suddenly occurred to me

that if sunglasses enabled me to pass for a vampire, that

they would also let a vampire pass undetected among

humans.

The vampire suddenly stopped as his path was barred

by Tananda, who appeared as if by magic over the

edge of the roof. He turned to retrace his steps, only to

find that the trio of Aahz, Guido, and Chumley had

emerged behind him, cutting off his retreat.

"I believe, gentlemen and lady, that up there is the

elusive body that started this whole thing," I heard

myself saying. "If you can spare a few more moments, I

think my colleagues will have him in custody so that you

might interrogate him at your leisure."

"Don't be too sure of that. High Roller," Massha

cautioned. "Look!"

His chosen routes of escape cut off. Vic was now

scrabbling up the roof peak itself, Luanna hanging in

his grip. While I had to admire his strength, I was a. a

loss to understand what he was trying to accomplish

with the manuever. It was obvious that he had been ex-

posed, so why didn't he just give it up?

The answer became apparent in the next few mo-

ments. Reaching the apex of the roof, the vampire

underwent a chilling metamorphosis. Before the strike

force could reach him, he hunched forward and huge

MYTH-ING PERSONS

159

batwings began to grow and spread from his back. His

plans gone awry, he was getting ready to escape.

In immediate response to his efforts, Tananda and

Guido both produced projectile weapons and shouted

something to him. Though the distance was too great to

make out the words clearly, it was obvious to me that

they were threatening to shoot him down if he tried to

take to the air.

"We may have a murder case yet," Kirby murmured,

squinting to watch the rooftop drama unfold.

"Murder?" I exclaimed, turning on him. "How can

you call it murder if they're only trying to keep from

escaping your justice? "

"That wasn't what I meant," the vampire said, never

taking his eyes from the action. "Check it out."

I looked ... and my heart stood still.

Aahz had been trying to ease up the roof peak closer

to Vic and his hostage. Vic must have seen him, because

he was now holding Luanna out over the drop as he

pointed an angry finger at my partner. The threat was

unmistakable.

"You know, eet is people like zat who give ze vam-

pires a bad name, eh?" Pepe said, nudging me.

I ignored him, lost in my own anxiety and frustration

at the stalemated situation. A noticeably harder jab

from Massha broke my reverie, however.

"Hey, Hot Stuff. Do you see what I see?"

I tore my gaze away from the confrontation and shot

a glance her way. She was standing motionless, her

brow furrowed with concentration and her eyes closed.

It took me a few moments to realize what she was

doing, then I followed suit, scarcely daring to hope.

There it was! A force line! A big, strong, beautiful,

glorious force line.

160 Robert Asprin

I had gotten so used to not having any magical energy

at my disposal in this dimension that I hadn't even

bothered to check!

I opened myself to the energy, relished it for a fleet

moment, then rechanneled it.

"Excuse me," I said with a smile, handing my sun-

glasses to Kirby. "It's about time I took a hand in this

directly."

With that, I reached out with my mind, pushed off

against the ground, and soared upward, setting a course

for the cornered vampire on the roof.

Chapter Nineteen:

"All right, pilgrim. This is between you and

me!"

—A. HAMILTON

I had hoped to make my approach unobserved, but as I

flew upward, the crowd below let out a roar that drew

the attention of the combatants on the roof. Terrific!

When I wanted unobtrusive, I got notoriety.

Reaching a height level with that of the vampire, I

hovered at a discreet distance.

"Put away the nasties," I called to Tananda and

Guido. "He's not getting away by air."

They looked a bit rebellious, but followed the order.

"What's with the Peter Pan bit, partner?" Aahz

shouted. "Are you feeling your Cheerioats, or did you

finally find a force line?"

"Both." I waved back, then turned my attention to

Vic.

Though his eyes were obscured by his sunglasses, I

could feel his hateful glare burning into me to the bone.

"Why don't you just call it quits?" I said in what I

161

162 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 163

hoped was a calm, soothing tone. "It's over. We've got

you outflanked."

For a moment he seemed to waiver with indecision.

Then, without warning, he threw Luanna at Aahz.

"Why can't you all just leave me alone!" he

screamed, and dove off the roof.

Aahz somehow managed to snag the girl's hurtling

form, though in the process he lost his balance and

tumbled backward down the roof peak, cushioning the

impact with his own body.

I hesitated, torn between the impulse to check on

Luanna's welfare and the desire to pursue Vic.

"Go get him!" my partner called. "We're fine!"

That was all the encouragement I needed. Wheeling

to my right, I plunged after the fleeing vampire,

What followed was one of the more interesting ex-

periences of my limited magical career. As I mentioned

before, my form of flying magically isn't really flying

... it's controlled levitation of oneself. This made en-

thusiastic pursuit a real challenge to my abilities. To

counterbalance the problem, however, Vic couldn't

really fly either'... at least he never seemed to flap his

wings. Instead, he appeared content to soar and bank

and catch an occasional updraft. This forced him to

continually circle and double back through roughly the

same area time and time again. This suited me fine, as I

didn't want to wander too far away from my energizing

force line now that I had found it. The idea of running

out of power while suspended fifty feet in the air did not

appeal to me at all.

Anyway, our aerial duel rapidly became a curious

matching of styles with Vic's swooping and circling in

his efforts to escape and my vertical and horizontal

maneuverings to try to intercept him. Needless to say,

the conflict was not resolved quickly. As soon as I

would time a move that came close enough to an in-

terception to justify attempting it again. Vic would

realize his danger and alter his pattern, leaving me to try

to puzzle out his new course.

The crowd loved it.

They whooped and hollered, their words of en-

couragement alternately loud and faint as we changed

altitude. It was impossible to tell which of us they were

cheering for, though for a while I thought it was me,

considering the approval they had expressed when I first

took off to join the battle. Then I noticed that the crowd

was considerably larger than it had been when I entered

the fray, and I realized that many of them had not been

around to witness the beginning of the conflict. To

them, it probably appeared that a monster from another

dimension was chasing one of their fellow beings

through the sky.

That thought was disquieting enough that I spared

some of my attention to scan the surrounding rooftops

on the off-chance that a local sniper might be preparing

to help his fellow countryman. It turned out to be the

wisest decision I had made.

As I was looking over my shoulder, I plowed full

force into Vic, who had doubled back on his own path.

The feint would have probably worked if I had seen it,

but as it was we collided at maximum speed, the impact

momentarily stunning us both. I managed to grab a

double handful of the vampire's turtleneck as we fell

about ten feet before I adjusted my levitation strength

to support us both.

"What's the matter with you!" I demanded, trying to

shake him, which succeeded only in moving us both

back and forth in the air. "Running away won't help."

Then I realized he was crying.

Somehow, this struck me as immensely unfair. I

164 Robert Asprin

MYTH-ING PERSONS

165

mean, how are you supposed to stay mad at a villain

that cries? Okay. So I'm a soft tough. But the crying

really did make a difference.

"I can't fight you all!" he sobbed, tears streaming

down his cheeks. "Maybe if I knew some magic I could

take one of you with me ... but at least you're going to

have to work for your kill!"

With that he tore loose from my grasp and swooped

away.

His words stunned me so much I almost let him es-

cape. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to call out

to him.

"Hey, dummy! Nobody's trying to kill you!"

"Yeah, sure," he shouted back. "You're up here just

for the fun of it."

He was starting to bank toward the street, and I knew

I'd only have time for one more try.

"Look! Will you stop running if I quit chasing you? I

think there's a major misunderstanding here."

He glanced back over his shoulder and saw that I was

still where I was when we collided. Altering his course

slightly, he flared his wings and landed on a carved gar-

goyle ornament jutting out from the side of the build-

ing.

"Why should you want to talk?" he called, wiping his

face with one hand. "I thought nothing I could say

would change your mind."

"You'd be surprised," I shouted back. "Say, do you

mind if I land on that ledge near you? I feel pretty silly

just hanging here."

He glanced at the indicated ledge, and I could see his

wings flex nervously.

"C'mon," I urged. "I'll be further away from you

there than I was when we started this chase back on the

roof. You'll still have a clean shot at getting away if I try

anything."

He hesitated, then nodded his consent.

Moving slowly so as not to alarm him, I maneuvered

my way to my new perch. Truth to tell, I was glad to get

something solid under my feet again. Even using magic,

flying can take a lot out of you, and I was relieved to get

a chance to rest. Now that I was closer, I could see that

Vic was breathing heavily himself. Apparently his form

of flying was no picnic either.

"All right," I said in a much more conversational

tone. "Let's take this thing from the top. Who says

we're trying to kill you?"

"Matt does," the vampire responded. "He's the one

who filled me in on you and your pet demon. To be

honest with you, I had never even heard of you until

Matt explained whose home we had stumbled into."

"Matt?" I frowned.

Then I remembered. Of course. The third member of

the fugitive party. Luanna's old con artist partner who

nobody had been paying attention to at all. A germ of

an idea began to form in my head.

"And he says we're out to kill you?"

"That's right. According to him nobody crosses the

Great Skeeve or makes a fool of him and lives... and

using your house as an escape route definitely quali-

fies."

The reputation thing again. I was beginning to realize

why so many magicians preferred to lead the lives of

recluses.

"That's crazy, Vic." I said. "If I tried to kill every-

body who's made a fool of me, I'd be armpit-deep in

corpses."

"Oh yeah?" he shot back. "Well. if you aren't out to

166 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 167

kill me, why did you send your pet demon after us?"

Despite my resolve to settle this thing amicably, I was

starting to get annoyed.

"First of all, he's not my pet demon. He's my partner

and his name is Aahz. Secondly, I didn't send him. He

knocked me out cold and came himself. Third and final,

he was never out to kill you. He was trying to bring you

and your cohorts back to Deva so we wouldn't get stuck

paying off the people you swindled plus a hefty fine.

Are you getting all this, or am I going too fast for you?"

"But I didn't swindle anybody," the vampire pro-

tested. "Those two offered me a job helping them sell

magic charms. I didn't know they weren't genuine until

Matt said the customers were mad and we had to run. I

suggested we hide out here because it's the only place I

know besides the Bazaar."

"Uh-huh," I said, studying the sky. "Next you'll be

saying you didn't frame my partner or sound the alarm

on us when we tried to spring him."

, Vic's wings dropped as he hung his head.

"That much I can't deny... but I was scared! I

framed the demon because it was the .only way I could

think of to get him off our trail for a while. I really

thought he could get loose on his own, and when I saw

you at the Woof Writers', I knew he was going to get

away. I sounded the alarm hoping you would all get

caught and be detained long enough to give us a head

start. Looking back on it, they were pretty ratty things

to do, but what would you do if you had a pack of killer

demons on your trail?"

Now that I could identify with. Chumley's words

about Vic and I being alike echoed in my ears. I had had

to improvise in some pretty hairy situations myself.

"Wait a minute!" I growled. "Speaking of killer de-

mons, what was that bit with you dangling Luanna over

the edge of the building back there?"

"I was bluffing," the vampire shrugged. "Your

friends were threatening to shoot me if I tried to fly

away, and it was the only thing I could think of to try to

get them to back off. I wouldn't deliberately hurt any-

one... especially Luanna. She's sweet. That's why I

was trying to help her escape with me after they caught

Matt."

That brought me to the question that had been nag-

ging at my mind since I started this wild chase.

"If you don't mind me asking, why didn't you just

change into mist and drift away? We could never have

caught you then."

Vic gave a short, bitter laugh.

"Do you know how rough it is to turn into mist?

Well, you're a magician. Maybe you do know. Anyway,

you might as well know the truth. I'm not much in the

magic department... in fact, I'm pretty much a bust as

a vampire. I can't even change all the way into a bat!

These wings are the best I've been able to do. That's

why I was looking for a new life in the Bazaar. I'd

rather be a first-class anything than a third-rate vam-

pire. I mean, I don't even like blood!"

"You should meet my bodyguard." I grinned despite

myself. "He's a gangster who's allergic to garlic."

"Garlic? I love garlic."

I opened my mouth to offer him Guido's job, then

shut it rapidly. If this character was half as desperate as

he sounded, he'd probably take the offer seriously and

accept, and then where would I be? All we needed to

complete our menagerie was a magic-poor vampire.

"Well," I said instead, "I guess that answers all my

questions except one. Now that you know we aren't try-

ing to kill you, are you ready to quit running and face

the music?"

168 Robert Asprin

The vampire gnawed his lower lip as he thought.

"You're sure it will be all right?"

"I can't say for sure until I talk to my partner," I ad-

mitted, "but I'm pretty sure things will be amenable.

The main problem is to get the murder charges against

him dropped... which I think we've already accom-

plished. As for you, I think the only thing they could

have against you is false arrest, and there's no way Aahz

will press charges on that one."

"Why not?"

I gave him my best grin.

"Because if he did, we couldn't take you back to

Deva to deal with the swindling charge. Believe me, if

given a chance between revenge and saving money, you

can trust Aahz to be forgiving every time."

Vic thought about it for a few more moments, then

shrugged.

"Embarrassment I'm used to dealing with, and I

think I can beat the swindling rap. C'mon, Skeeve. Let's

get this thing over with."

Having finally reached a truce, however temporary,

we descended together to face the waiting crowd.

Chapter Twenty:

"There's no accounting for taste!"

—COLONEL SANDERS

"BUT Skeeve...."

BANG!

"...I told you before...."

BANG! BANG!

"... I could never abandon Matt...."

BANG!

"... he's my partner!"

BANG .'BANG!

"ButLu...."

BANG!

"... excuse me. HEY, PARTNER! COULD YOU

KNOCK OFF THE HAMMERING FOR A MINUTE?

I'M TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION

HERE!"

"Not a chance," Aahz growled around his mouthful

of nails. "I'm shutting this door permanently before

anything else happens. But tell you what, I'll try to ham-

mer quietly."

169

170 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS

171

If you deduce from all this that we were back at our

place on Deva, you're right. After some long, terse con-

versations with the citizens of Blut and fond farewells to

Vilhelm and Pepe, our whole crew, including our three

captives, had trooped back to the castle and through the

door without incident.

I had hoped to have a few moments alone with Lu-

anna, but, after several attempts, the best I had been

able to manage was this conversation in the reception

room under the watchful eyes of Aahz and Matt.

Matt, incidentally, turned out to be a thoroughly

unpleasant individual with a twisted needle-nose, acne,

a receding hairline, and the beginnings of a beer-belly.

For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what Luanna

saw in him.

"But that was when you thought he was in a jam," I

said, resuming the argument. "Aahz and I have already

promised to help defend him and Vic when they go

before the Merchants Association. There's no need to

stand by him yourself.''

"I don't understand you, Skeeve," Luanna declared,

shaking her head. "If I wouldn't leave Matt when he

was in trouble, why should I leave him when things look

like they're going to turn out okay? I know you don't

like him, but he's done all right by me so far ... and I

still owe him for getting me away from the farm."

"But we're making you a good offer," I tried again

desperately. "You can stay here and work for Aahz and

me, and if you're interested we could even teach you

some real magic so you don't have to...."

She stopped me by simply laying a hand on my arm.

"I know it's a good offer, Skeeve, and it's nice of you

to make it. But for the time being I'm content to stay

with Matt. Maybe sometime in the future, when I have

a little more to offer you in return, I'll take you up on it

... if the deal's still open."

"Well," I sighed, "if that's really what you

want...."

"Hey! Don't take it so hard, buddy," Matt laughed,

clapping his hand on my shoulder. "You win some, you

lose some. This time you lost. No hard feelings. Maybe

you'll have better luck with the next one. We're both

men of the world, and we know one broad's just like

any other."

"Matt, buddy" I said through clenched teeth, "get

that hand off my shoulder before it loses a body."

As I said, even on our short trip back from Limbo I

had been so underwhelmed by Matt that I no longer

even bothered trying to be polite or mask my dislike for

him. He could grate on my nerves faster than anyone I

had ever met. If he was a successful con artist, able to

inspire trust from total strangers, then I was the Queen

of May.

"Matt's just kidding," Luanna soothed, stepping

between us.

"Well I'm not," I snarled. "Just remember you're

welcome here any time you get fed up with this slug."

"Oh, I imagine we'll be together for quite some

time," Matt leered, patting Luanna lightly on her rump.

"With you big shots vouching for us we should be able

to beat this swindling rap... and even if we lose, so

what? All it means is I'll have to give them back their

crummy twenty gold pieces."

Aahz's hammering stopped abruptly ... or maybe it

was my heart.

I tried vainly to convince myself that I hadn't heard

him right.

"Twenty gold pieces?" I said slowly.

"Yeah. They caught on to us a lot quicker here at the

Bazaar than I thought they would. It wasn't much of a

172 Robert Asprin

haul even by my standards. I can't get over the fact that

you big shots went through so much trouble to drag us

back here over a measly twenty gold pieces. There must

be more to this principle thing than I realized."

"Ummm... could I have a word with you, part-

ner?" Aahz said, putting down his hammer.

"I was about to ask the same thing," I admitted,

stepping to the far side of the room.

Once we were alone, we stared at each other, neither

wanting to be the first to speak.

"You never did get around to asking Hay-ner how

much was at stake, did you?" Aahz sighed absently.

"That's the money side of negotiations and I thought

you covered it," I murmured. "Funny, we both stood

right there the whole time and heard every word that

was said, and neither of us caught that omission."

"Funny. Right. I'm dying." My partner grimaced.

"Not as much as you will if word of this gets out," I

warned. "I vote that we give them the money to pay it

off. I don't want to, but it's the only way I can think of

to keep this thing from becoming public knowledge."

"Done." Aahz nodded. "But let me handle it. If

Matt the Rat there gets wind of the fact that the whole

thing was a mistake on our part, he'd probably black-

mail us for our eyeteeth."

"Right, "I agreed.

With that, we, the two most sought-after, most

highly-paid magicians at the Bazaar, turned to deal with

our charges, reminded once more why humility lies at

the core of greatness.