Chapter Six:
"An agent is a vampire with a tele-
phone!"
—ANY EDITOR
REMEMBER how I said that if you've seen one town,
you've seen 'em all? Well, forget it. Even though I've
visited a lot of dimensions and seen a lot of towns, I had
to admit that Blut looked a little strange.
Everything seemed to be done to death in basic black.
(Perhaps "done to death" is an unfortunate turn of a
phrase. Whatever.) Mind you, when I say everything, I
mean everything. Cobblestones, walls, roof tiles, every-
thing had the same uninspired color scheme. Maybe by
itself the black overtones wouldn't have seemed too
ominous, if it weren't for the architectural decorations
that seemed to abound everywhere you looked. Stone
dragons and snakes adorned every roof peak and ledge,
along with the inescapable gargoyles and, of course,
bats. I don't mean "bats" here, I mean "BATS"!!! Big
bats, little bats, bats with their wings half open and
others with their wings spread wide... BATS!!! The
only thing they all seemed to have in common (besides
49
Robert Asprin
50 MYTH-ING PERSONS 51
being black) was mouths full of needle-sharp teeth...
an image which did nothing to further the confidence of
my already nervous party. I myself felt the tension in-
creasing as we strode down the street under the noses of
those fierce adornments. One almost expected the stone
figures to come to life and swoop down on us for a pint
or two of dinner.
"Cheerful sort of place, isn't it?" Massha asked, eye-
ing the rooftops,
"I don't like to complain, Boss," Guido put in, lyings
blatantly, "but I've been in friendlier-looking grave-;
yards." |
"Will you both keep your mouths shut!" I snarled,
speaking as best I could through tightly pressed lips.
"Remember our disguises." J
I had indeed turned on my disguise spell as we entered
town, but in an effort to conserve magical energy, I had
only turned our eyes red. If any of the others on the
street, and there were lots of them, happened to spot
our non-vampirish teeth, the balloon would go up once
and for all. Then again, maybe not. We still hadn't;
figured out why the couple we met on the road had been
so afraid of me, but I wasn't about to bank the success
of our mission on anything as flimsy as a hope that the |
whole town would run at the sight of our undisguised
features.
Fortunately, I didn't have to do any magical tinkering'
with our wardrobe. If anything, we were a little drab
compared to most of the vampires on the street. Though
most of them appeared rather young, barely older than
me, they came in all shapes and sizes, and were decked
out in some of the most colorful and outrageous garb it
has ever been my misfortune to encounter as they;
shouted to each other or wove their way in and out of
taverns along the street.
It was night now, the clouds having cleared enough to
show a star-studded night sky, and true to their billing,
vampires seemed to love the night life.
"If everybody here is vampires," Guido said, ignor-
ing my warning, "how do they find anybody to bite for
blood?"
"As far as I can tell," Massha answered, also choos-
ing to overlook the gag order, "they buy it by the bot-
tle."
She pointed to a small group of vampires sitting on a
low wall merrily passing a bottle of red liquid back and
forth among themselves. Despite our knowledge of the
area, I had subconsciously assumed they were drinking
wine. Confronted by the inescapable logic that the stuff
they were drinking was typed, not aged, my stomach did
a fast roll and dip to the right.
"If you two are through sightseeing," I hissed, "let's
try to find this Dispatcher character before someone in-
vites us to join them for a drink."
With that, I led off my slightly subdued assistants,
nodding and waving at the merrymaking vampires as we
went. Actually, the goings on looked like a lot of fun,
and I might have been tempted to join in, if it weren't
for the urgency of our quest....nd, of course, the fact
that they were vampires.
Following the instructions I had gleaned from the
couple on the road before their panicky flight, we found
the Dispatcher's place with no problem. Leaving Guido
outside as a lookout, Massha and I braved the stairs and
entered the Dispatcher's office.
As strange as Blut had appeared, it hadn't prepared
me for the room we stepped into.
There were hundreds of glass pictures lining the walls,
pictures which depicted moving, living things much like
looking into a rack of fishbowls. What was more, the
52 Robert Asprin
images being displayed were of incredible violence and
unspeakable acts being performed on seemingly helpless
victims. The overall effect was neither relaxing nor
pleasant... definitely not something I'd want on the
wall at home.
I was so entranced by the pictures, I almost missed the
Dispatcher himself until he rose from his desk. Perhaps
"rose" is the wrong description. What he actually did
was hop down to the floor from his chair which was
high to begin with, but made higher by the addition of a
pillow to the seat.
He strode forward, beaming widely, with his hand ex-
tended for a handshake.
"Hi there Vilhelm's the name Your problem is my
problem Don't sit down Standing problems I solve for
free Sitting problems I charge for Reasonable rates Just
a minor percentage off the top What can I do for you?"
That was sort of all one sentence in that he didn't
pause for breath. He did, however, seize my hand,
pump it twice, then repeated the same procedure with
Massha, then grabbed my hand again ... all before he
stopped talking.
All in all, it was a little overpowering. I had a flash
impression of a short, stocky character with plump rosy
cheeks and a bad case of the fidgets. I had deliberately
tried not to speculate on what the Dispatcher would
look like, but a cherub vampire still caught me a little
off-guard.
"I... ummm... how did you know I have a prob-
lem?"
That earned me an extra squeeze of the hand and a
wink.
"Nobody comes in here unless they've got a prob-
lem," he said, finally slowing down his speech a bit. "I
mean, I could always use a bit of help, but does anyone
MYTH-ING PERSONS 5B
leap forward to lend a hand? Fat chance. Seems like the
only time I see another face in the flesh is when it means
more work for me. Prove me wrong... please! Tell me
you came in here to take over for an hour or so to let me
duck out for a bite to drink."
"Well, actually, we've got a problem and we were
told....,"
"See! What did I tell you? All right. What have you
got? A standing or a sitting problem? Standing prob-
lems I handle for...."
He was off again. In a desperate effort to keep our
visit short, I interrupted his pitch.
"We're looking for a friend who...."
"Say no more! A friend! Just a second!"
With that he vaulted back into his chair, grabbed the
top off a strange-looking appliance on his desk, diddled
with it briefly, then started talking into it.
"Yea Darwin? Vilhelm. I need ... sure...."
Leaning back in his chair, he tucked the gadget under
one side of his head and grabbed another.
"This is Vilhelm, Is Kay around? ... Well, put her on
when she's done...."
The second gadget slid in under the same ear as the
first and he reached for yet another.
"I know I shouldn't ask this," I murmured to
Massha, "but what's he doing?"
"Those are telephones," she whispered back as a
fourth instrument came into play. "You talk into one
end of it and whoever's at the other end can hear you
and talk back. It beats running all over town to find an
answer."
By this time, the little vampire had so many instru-
ments hung from his shoulders and arms he looked like
he was being attacked by a nest of snakes. He seemed to
be handling it well, though, talking first into one, then
54 Robert Asprin
another, apparently keeping multiple conversations
going at once like a juggler handles a basket full of
balls.
"Gee, that's kind of neat!" I exclaimed. "Do you
think we could get some of these for our place at the
Bazaar?"
"Believe me, they're more trouble than they're
worth," Massha said. "In nothing flat you find you're
spending all your time on the phone talking to people
and not accomplishing anything. Besides, ever since
they broke up the corporation...."
"I think I've got it!" Vilhelm announced, jumping
down to floor-level again. "I've got one friend for you
definite, but to be honest with you he's only so-so. I've
got call-backs coming on two others, so let's see what
they're like before you commit on the definite. Okay?"
"Ummm ... I think there's some kind of mistake
here," I said desperately, trying to stop the madness
before it progressed any further. "I'm not trying to find
a new friend. I'm trying to locate a friend I already have
who may be here in town.''
He blinked several times as this news sank in. He
started to turn back to his phones in an involuntary mo-
tion, then waved a hand at them in disgusted dismissal.
"Heck with it," he said with a sigh. "If they can
come up with anything, I can always fob 'em off on
someone else for a profit. Now then, let's try this again.
You're looking for someone specific. Are they a townie
or a transient? It would help if you gave me a little
something to go on, you know."
He seemed a little annoyed, and I would have liked to
do or say something to cheer him up. Before I could
think of anything, however, my apprentice decided to
join the conversation.
"This is quite a layout you've got, Fast Worker.
MYTH-ING PERSONS 55
Mind if I ask exactly what it is you do?"
As always, Massha's "people sense" proved to be
better than mine. The little vampire brightened notice-
ably at the compliment, and his chest puffed out as he
launched into his narration.
"Well, the job was originally billed as Dispatcher...
you know, as in Dispatcher of Nightmares. But anyway,
like any job, it turned out to involve a lot of things that
aren't on the job description. Now it's sort of a com-
bination of dispatcher, travel agent, lost and found, and
missing persons bureau."
"Nightmares?" I questioned, unable to contain my-
self.
"Sure. Anything that comes out of Limbo, be it
dreams or the real thing, comes through here. Where're
you from that you didn't know that?"
Obviously, I wasn't wild about continuing on the sub-
ject of our place of origin.
"Ahhh, can you really help us find our friend? He's
new in town, like us."
"That's right. You're looking for someone. Sorry. I
get a little carried away sometimes when I talk about my
work. New in town, hmmm? Shouldn't be that hard to
locate. We don't get that many visitors."
"He might be in jail," Massha blurted out before I
realized what she was going to say.
"In jail?" The vampire frowned. "The only outsider
in jail right now is. ... Say! Now I recognize you! The
eyes threw me for a minute. You're Skeeve, aren't
you?"
"Screen 97B!" he declared proudly, gesturing
vaguely over his shoulder. "There's someone a dozen
dimensions over from here, runs a hot dog stand, who
features you in his most frequent nightmares. You, a
dragon, and a Pervert. Am I correct in assuming that
56 Robert Asprin
the current resident in our fair jail is none other than
your sidekick Aahz?"
"To be correct, that's Pervect, not Pervert... but ex-
cept for that you're right. That's my partner you've got
locked up there, and we aim to get him out."
I was probably talking too much, but being recog-
nized in a dimension I'd never heard of had thrown me
off balance. Then again, the Dispatcher didn't seem all
that hostile at the discovery. More curious than any-
thing else.
"Well, well. Skeeve himself. I never expected to meet
you in person. Sometime you must tell me what you did
to that poor fellow to rate the number-one slot on his hit
parade of nightmares."
"What about Aahz?'' I said impatiently.
"You know he's up for murder, don't you?"
"Heard it. Don't believe it. He's a lot of things, but a
murderer isn't one of them."
"There's a fair amount of evidence." Vilhelm
shrugged. "But tell me. What's with the vampire get-
up. You're no more a vampire than I'm a Klahd."
"It's a long story. Let's just say it seemed to be the
local uniform."
"Let's not," the dispatcher grinned. "Pull up a chair
... free of charge, of course. I've got time and lots of
questions about the other dimensions. Maybe we can
trade a little information while you're here."